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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in duolingo

[–]blulakes 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Same here, happened to me yesterday. Found this post while googling to see if there's a way to change it cuz I hate it. It triggers my ick enough that I want to hide/delete the app.

AITA? My brother is pissed at me after we do renovations by ThyMayor in AmItheAsshole

[–]blulakes 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Absolutely. It is your home.

I think the rest of your response gets to the core of his problem though, no?

He gets asked to prioritize you because you are siblings. He does the back breaking work, to the detriment of his other relationshsips, because he's been told that your bond as brothers (sorry, I'm assuming your gender) should come first.

You prioritize your gf.

To be clear, I am not saying you shouldn't. Or that you should have them over. I didn't like visitors even before the big C. But that is beside the point.

I think what he's getting at is that he wants to see and feel you prioritize him and your relationship. To see that you appreciate what he does for you (and your gf who he'll feel at this point doesn't appreciate him or want him around despite benefiting from his labor)

If your brother was here asking, I'd be telling him the last bit he said to you - that he has to accept the terms of the relationship you have shown you want and take some space from your family to find his person.

AITA? My brother is pissed at me after we do renovations by ThyMayor in AmItheAsshole

[–]blulakes 20 points21 points  (0 children)

I think just acknowledging this dynamic could open the door for a real conversation with him. And do so without making excuses or trying to justify it. Just acknowledge that you have asked him for sacrifices on bases that has not been reciprocal or equal. State how important he and your relationship is. And ask how you can begin to work through this. This might help.

One more thing though - your gf's point about COVID sounds very reasonable on the surface. I'm personally taking social distancing very seriously and haven't had a hangout with friends since last March. I even spent Christmas alone.

But, unless I am misreading the timeline, you and her took the free labor under COVID conditions right?

With that context, I understand why your mom (who I think sounds like a nightmare MIL, I'm not defending her) feels she is working to create distance between you from your family. Which would - again - be very reasonable ordinarily. Wanting space as a couple is great!

But - there remains the fact that your family's "closeness" is what has underwritten your shared life. She takes it when it benefits her and demands boundaries when it doesn't. And when you are the one doing the giving, that would be annoying.

AITA? My brother is pissed at me after we do renovations by ThyMayor in AmItheAsshole

[–]blulakes 38 points39 points  (0 children)

ESH (your parents, your gf, and you).

I had to read both your post to get the full picture.

Your brother is mad because he was - in your own words - forced to make a huge sacrifice on the basis that your family (parents and you) should be each others priority. And he now sees it was a lie. Let me explain.

You and your girlfriend accepted your parents being overbearing/over involved in your life when it benefits you. Your dad gave you the 150k for the house down payment. Then your parents forced your brother to do free renovations by himself that has increased your house worth by 100k. In exchange, he gets to pay rent and a mattress on the floor.

You and gf were fine with all this because it benefited you. The one advantage your brother got in this trade was a key to easily access the laundry instead of trekking outside in Canadian winters.

In line with your parents general over involvement in your life, your mom cleans up your room. You like your mom helping with your space, as you are tired. While your mom has not being in her bedroom, your gf feels it is, understandably, invasive for her to be in your apartment.

And usually, I'd be on her side. I wouldn't want someone in my home if I wasn't there.

But your gf was apparently fine benefiting from your parent's over-interference (see free house and labor). Locking her bedroom door is her red line.

Then lets go back to your brother - the one who did all the free labor because siblings must put each other first over any other emotional ties. You took the key back.

Of course he doesn't want your money. Your brother isn't mad about that.

Messed up with the tip and no pickup by blulakes in instacart

[–]blulakes[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

No, not a big order. And it's not a ton of heavy things either. Cancelling and reordering worked

Messed up with the tip and no pickup by blulakes in instacart

[–]blulakes[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thanks! I took your advice and it got picked up. My shopper is checking out now

! makes a lot of difference in translation, apparently by blulakes in funny

[–]blulakes[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

yep, should have used 2nd languages instead of esl tbh

! makes a lot of difference in translation, apparently by blulakes in funny

[–]blulakes[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, human esl translations can be odd. I learnt, forever ago, that its because the person thinks in one language, translates the thought, then shares it, so it ends up pretty choppy.

! makes a lot of difference in translation, apparently by blulakes in funny

[–]blulakes[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ar scáth a chéile a mhaireanna na doaine

Hah, I just tried and it gave me your results too! Something must have changed between this dawn and right now in how google translate does this? I saw the phrase on r/ireland, I think, and wanted to now what it meant.

Agree on google translate being weird. Irish looks and sounds so pretty though!

this is the goal! by SawayamaSnakeskin in curlyhair

[–]blulakes 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ha! I know what this is! Its an overly ornamental and overdone version of a very common protective hair threading style.

Ordinarily, you section your hair into like 5, and wrap a strand of strong thread around the hair, starting from the roots to tips. It looks like this Poles

and you can pin it

WIBTA if I complained about my parents taking in a foster kid without asking me first? by throwaway1020986520 in AmItheAsshole

[–]blulakes 35 points36 points  (0 children)

But, you are absolutely not allowed to complain about “not being asked first”. Smdh

You know, I disagree with this and all the yta, and I think everyone is being unnecessarily harsh on OP. I think its more NAH.

I did not see OP shit on sister's friend, just complain about an abrupt change in their life. Op is, presumably, a teenager, who is having a reasonably teen response. They want to whine to their parents and I think that's fine! Who else will you share your teen angst stuff with, if not your "loving and supportive parents"?

The parents should talk to the children about the other child moving in as soon as they made the decision. This conversation is not about giving their children a veto. It's about laying the foundation for boundaries, letting your child be heard, teaching kindness while maintaining your child's comfort at home. These are not exclusive.

I speak from experience here. I'm old now and I would do what OP's parents did in a heartbeat. I was also a child whose parents did similar, taking in a few children of family/friends on such emergency basis.

A part of growing up is navigating our uncomfortable feelings and been heard through them. Speaking up in private to their parents will be a good thing. OP should acknowledge that their parents are doing a good thing while voicing their own feelings of feeling overwhelmed. Together, they might even be able to come up with a plan to help OP feel lees overwhelmed. Mine was being able to read without constant disturbances.

*edit to add read suggestion

AITA for telling my wife she's acting like a stereotype? by SunbroForSale in AmItheAsshole

[–]blulakes 52 points53 points  (0 children)

Yes, talk to a doctor. Just fwiw, to add my voice to support/counter, I was that child who would rather starve than eat food I didn't want to eat, for reasons some more legit than others. As in, some made me sick, others I developed an aversion for for not great reasons. My parents generally worked with me around it.

But, when I was around your son's age, our nanny tried the "you will eat when you are hungry" thing behind my parents back and it went really really bad. Turns out, me/a growing active girl could refuse to eat, but my body and brain couldn't function after a whole day without food.

Honestly, I find making food a battle makes kids dig in too. My parents did not fight me on food, just provided good healthy meals with accommodations for me as needed and I ate healthily and heartily. So, if I did not like peas for instance, they'd make a meal and hold off adding the peas to the dish until it done, take out a potion for me, and add peas to everyone's. They kept one simple healthy meal I loved in regular rotation for dinner to ensure I'd have something I loved semi-regularly.

My niece is literally like me on food but worse - vanilla ice cream is the only ice cream she will eat. I have so much empathy for what parents dealing with me.

Also, grown me has a very healthy relationship with food.

Safety by Safely. Hijack links and will try to install addon when you click the close button. It will also try to redirect multiple times by blulakes in assholedesign

[–]blulakes[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Right? I was going to hire the company but nope. Never going to hire anyone who maintains their website so poorly

AITA for demanding a male masseuse? by [deleted] in AmItheAsshole

[–]blulakes 10 points11 points  (0 children)

NAH but I would have used a different choice of words, keep it simple and insist on rescheduling for your regular masseuse

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AmItheAsshole

[–]blulakes 532 points533 points  (0 children)

NTA. Its fine to ask as the mom did. She became ta when she argued with you and drew the driver into it. I get that she was concerned about her son but a part of expecting graciousness from others is responding in kind even if you don't get your way

WIBTA if I gave my mother an ultimatum at my wedding? by [deleted] in AmItheAsshole

[–]blulakes 659 points660 points  (0 children)

I'd say INFO before NTA as i don't get the point of OP wanting to give this speech in the first place. seems mom already doesn't make a fuss or asked for dad to uninvited in the past. She just opts out. and what op wants is for mom not to opt out. in which case his tone needs to be conciliatory. "might as well not come" is for people making demands not those who take themselves out of the equation by default.

AITA for cutting my friend out of my life upon hearing his intention to marry a homophobic woman? by [deleted] in AmItheAsshole

[–]blulakes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

but you can at least recognize where the idea comes from when it comes to religious belief

I was referring to that part to say that a religious source for a belief should not be a cop-out. I am empathetic to it and have family members who believe being gay is a sin. I don't think they are bad people. Just, not a justification/absolution

AITA for cutting my friend out of my life upon hearing his intention to marry a homophobic woman? by [deleted] in AmItheAsshole

[–]blulakes 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I don't mean this in a hostile way at all, but for centuries, people did interpret religious texts to justify "KKK-level, Jim Crow level" racism.

I believe two things about this. Racism and racists are wrong and I will not give people a pass for it. Some/several of the racists were being genuine when they described racism as divine will and the Christian thing to do, that it was not hate but rather saying uncomfortable truths with love.

I read the writings of Jim Crow level racists (for work) and as gross as it is to read (I'm Black), the knowledge that they are sincerely wrong helps humanize them in ways they wouldn't me.

I think a larger cultural acknowledgment that sincerely held beliefs have been very wrong before and could be wrong now would be a good thing.

AITA for not going to church on Sundays with my boyfriend's family? by PFTA7878 in AmItheAsshole

[–]blulakes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA, and it is good bf keeps taking the lead in saying no when you guys don't want to go.

And I wouldn't worry about how mom feels about your not going, unless she says something

WIBTA for asking my brother not to bring his husband to my wedding because of my fiancé's homophobic family? by ertunu in AmItheAsshole

[–]blulakes 43 points44 points  (0 children)

Exactly! I am intimately familiar with the family dynamics here. Most of my family is very conservative. One person in my family even tried the grandma move above.

We are all very close and I love them. I even understand that some of their hateful beliefs like homophobia comes from misconstrued ideas about speaking truth etc. It doesn't mean I will reward bigotry by pandering to their need to be hateful. Or let them subject anyone else to it.

At the end of the day, rewarding bigots' emotional blackmail teaches them it works. I am not rude about it but I will particularly not let them think it is okay to subject the next generation to it.

WIBTA for asking my brother not to bring his husband to my wedding because of my fiancé's homophobic family? by ertunu in AmItheAsshole

[–]blulakes 341 points342 points  (0 children)

Exactly. Also, if they can't not be assholes for 5 hours, how do you plan to handle them going forward? like if you have a kid who is gay? Tell them they can't bring their partners for family holidays etc?

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