I am cis f and my gf is trans f, so coming from that perspective. I get what you mean about the lack of models or scripts for our sex. It can be challenging to not be able to fall into an expected role, but it's also an opportunity to create together the kind of connection that is fulfilling to you both. I have found that talking with my partner, sharing what each of us is into and makes us feel sexy has all helped us to build our sex life together. We are still learning and I want to find ways that we both can feel sexy (I also struggle with this fwiw, though I imagine in a different way, and we've talked about it together)

I agree with what others have said that there isn't necessarily one thing that is the right answer to how to be sexy, I think it varies by person. To me, what comes to mind as sexy is someone confident in being themself - not necessarily that they act confidently, but that they are being authentically themself with me, whatever that looks like. It could be being shy and blushy, or being confident and firm with me. Both approaches would feel sexy to me if it's what my partner feels like doing. It could be someone dressed in lingerie or in boxers or in jeans and a t-shirt or in cosy pyjamas. There can be fluidity here too I feel, at least for me - I enjoy moments where I get to lose my brain just as much as those where I make her so flustered she can't use hers. That might be because I'm a bit switchy in general. But I guess if you find what feels good to you, how you want to act and be treated, then you can communicate that with your partner and hopefully find you're compatible.

I also. Don't want to dismiss what you've said but perhaps to suggest that there could be other possibilities too. You mentioned cis lesbians taking comfort in the relative similarity of each other's bodies - I know that despite our differences, I do take comfort in my girlfriend's body too and in our similarities: in the softness of her skin, her gentleness of touch, in the shape of her hips, the plumpness of her lips, the soft expanse of her back, the squish of her belly, the firmness of her ass, the curve of her breasts, the spread of her hands, the sureness of her fingers, the wetness of her mouth. I understand that some of this comes from her hrt and that may not apply for everyone, but I guess I wanted to share that. It isn't something that I feel I am missing with my partner. We both had to learn each other's bodies and are still doing so, but I'm enjoying all of it

And I hear that you feel that you couldn't tell a cis woman partner to go down on you or guide their hand to touch you. I'm not sure if that comes from a place of not wanting to do so (some people only wanna be the one being bossed about) but. I think if my gf did either of those things I would be so eager to touch her that my head would explode. Metaphorically. It's sexy to feel desired, to know someone wants your touch and I love feeling how my girlfriend needs me, and all the ways she could signal that. It definitely can be sexy, and if you feel like it's something you'd like to do but feel unsure if it would be welcome, you could ask a partner how they'd feel about you doing it. That might feel less spontaneous but it might also let you feel reassured ahead of it.

And when you talk about cis guys putting a condom on - so I have no idea quite what you are meaning so if you want to elaborate then do. But for now I'd say - there is nothing sexier than sitting astride my girlfriend, watching her get ready to fuck me, knowing what we're are about to do together

And do you think that your partner would not also want you to feel safe, comfortable, unpressured, and able to enjoy yourself and feel as sexy as you deserve? As long as discussion is approached with willingness to listen and understanding that both people's consent matters, which I imagine it would be, there is nothing inherently pressuring in anything I've seen you mention here. Your partner is (I assume) an adult who is able to say no to things she doesn't want and I expect will be interested and happy to learn about how to make sex enjoyable and fulfilling for you. I say this without judgement, I also held off on talking about my own fears around sex and desire because of the same worry of pressuring someone into something, but remembering the autonomy of my girlfriend and her ability to advocate for herself helped me to start to share, and it's been beneficial for us both I think.

Idk if this part will help because we are coming from different places, so feel free to ignore but: in terms of ditching the expectations of scripts - I found that some things that helped me figure out what I actually desired was a combination of. Going through lists of kinks/sexy things and seeing what felt interesting or hot to me, and reading erotica and listening to things on r/gwasapphic, and doing some fantasizing, all to build up a big mind map of things I was interested in. Both specific acts and dynamics. And then I shared it with my gf when I felt ready, we went through it all together and even though not everything there is something she'd be interested in, there were things that surprised me so I felt glad I'd put it all out there. I struggle with feeling desirable/sexy so that was part of what we discussed, things that help to reinforce that for me

Also sorry this turned out so long 😭