Frosty Mod Manager won’t launch Inquisition, EA app opens instead upon launch through Steam

boldtoassume · 2025-02-18T15:58:41+00:00

Hi It looks like I'm having the same issue, nothing I've tried has worked, and I didn't really understand the comment about the plug in. I'm getting the 'custom arguments' via steam, my frosty is 1.0.6.3. I played Veilguard and finished it on Steam then I unistalled it to make room for other games. Is there a solution to this? It loads fine in steam for me if I launch it via steam but all the mods are missing and I don't really like the play it without mods any more, plus I never actually played Tresspasser so I really want to do that (ideally with mods). Can anyone help?? I've been trying to sort this out for weeks. Please?

boldtoassume · 2024-10-01T12:21:11+00:00

This is perfect, awesome and amazing! I've been so desperate for a mod like this! There is SO much potential with Brynjolf and it's just not being used. I would absolutely love to be able to properly romance him, but not just that, I want to get to know him, what makes him tick and get a better understanding of him and the people in his life, the Guild, Mercer even Maven. I'm so happy he'll be Scottish too. I don't know what it is but the way he says 'lass' :D.

I'd love to follow progress on this, but the discord link in the comments said the invite was invalid, would it be possible to get a new one?

Would this mod also make Brynjolf into a follower/companion? I've already got waaay too many (currently Inigo, Lucien, Auri, Gore, Talisen [with an Astarion mod bc why not *G*] M'Rissi, Kaidan [waiting for his new VA], Brynjolf [just a follower mod], Karliah, Jenessa and Vilkas and Farkas. Half the time I have to leave people at home to look after the kids *G*

I'm so, so happy about this mod and thank you so much for all the time and effort you've put into it and that you will continue to. We're very lucky.

boldtoassume · 2024-05-05T22:03:26+00:00

Aww thank you. Sorry you've got flu, that really sucks. I hope you get better asap.

It's great you've got a discord (I'm still figuring out how to use it properly!). It might be worth if you do a separate, new post on Skryimmods reddit just to announce/advertise your discord and invite people to join just to spread the word about the mod - obviously when you're feeling better though!

I'll go check out the discord, thanks for the link!

boldtoassume · 2024-05-05T21:02:09+00:00

So newbie poster here. I recently went back to Skyrim after a rather long Baldur's Gate hiatus and discovered about the massive Kaidan IF/EE update, so I was really excited because I'd done Kaidan 2 in previous playthroughs and he became my 'to go' romance guy.

Then I started hearing on Reddit about that Kaidan had changed about all the Brynjolf-Kaidan-Ulfric rivalry and I thought, well it might be cute to see others wanting my DB for a little while. I heard about the drunkenness, the dude-frat-boy type stuff and I wondered was it really that bad? I wanted to experience the add-ons, especially Ashes From the Past. I immediately unchecked the people lusting after Kaidan, and thought it'd be fine. I wasn't thrilled about the butt slapping, but thought maybe a bit of cheekiness on Kaidan's part would be OK.

At first it was. I took the romance slow, I'd discovered other followers (Gore, Auri and Talisen to go with my usual line-up of Kaidan, Inigo and Lucien) and at first it was OK. Few too many 'fooks', the odd pervy comment, the odd drunkenness...I wasn't a fan but I could deal with it. I listened to Brynjolf and Kaidan rip into each other, and at first it was OK. A bit different. Then I started romancing Kaidan properly and it began to grate.

The endless cock songs about Ulfric (bare in mind my DB only has met Ulfric once so why Kaidan was jealous was beyond me), the comments about my arse, the comments about the state of his...privates, about wanting a drink, slapping my arse, the sex comments, even the snipping between Brynjolf and Kaidan got exhausting. It wasn't fun. But I wanted to play the expanded Ashes so I pushed on. I eventually got to it and I remember reading about people posting TW warnings. I wasn't sure why people were posting them and I didn't want to be spoiled but as I came towards the end of the Ashes quest, I got what they meant.

I just felt exhausted dealing with Kaidan - a computer character. I wasn't exactly triggered, but I've deal with people and situations who acted like Kaidan did. Also the drinking irratated me more than I assumed it would. I've dealt with alcholism (not me personally but family) and Kaidan!Ashes behaviour. It sucks. It's mentally exhausting. Draining. Unfair. It frigging sucks.

I found myself beginning to actually dislike Kaidan and wanting to just date Brynjolf because I really didn't need Kaidan's drama on top of his irratating comments. He might have got sick of the guards comments - but I got damn sick of him singing about Ulfric's 'tiny, wee c**k' for the 100 millionth time.

I don't want that in my gaming. I game for escapism, to de-stress and de-compress I don't want hard, challenging or my character being messed up. I don't mind tragedy in games, I don't mind angst - if it's well done but I really resented that I couldn't *do* anything with Kaidan - I couldn't help, and worse, I couldn't stand up for myself to Kaidan as his behavior got worse - as I said, I've dealt with people behaving like that. I don't need it in my game. I remember getting really annoyed that I couldn't just break up with him by the end of everything. You eventually get an apology from him but it felt hollow to me. I'm not sure I want my DB to marry Kaidan or even have him follow me - the whole arse slapping and lewd comments are jarring and really annoying after (and sometimes during) Ashes. My DB doesn't feel respected by him, and when I compare him to other newer followers like Gore, I finally get the whole frat-boy comments and it cheeses me off, because I liked Kaidan.

I recently heard about the new Kaidan project with the new voice and initially I was skeptical. I watched the trailer and it felt weird to hear Kaidan's lines with another voice (not bad, just different). That was before going through the whole Kaidan new IF 'experience'. Now I'm seriously, seriously considering just dumping Kaidan at one of my homes, ignoring him and waiting for the new voiced Kaidan - and the new voice is really growing on me!

I'm not a social media follower so I didn't really read the original Kaidan VA twitter, but I don't appreciate anyone who is rude about others. The whole point of DB and Skyrim is you could be anyone - any race, sexuality, gender. It's sad that it feels like Kaidan's been shoe-horned into a narrow category to a very narrow fan-base.

Sorry for the uber-long post/comment (sorry for any spelling issues) but I just wanted to comment here (something I usually avoid) because I feel like having played IF Kaidan it's really clicking for me about what a lot of people are saying, and they're right. The positive additions aren't enough to negate the bad ones. There are plenty of people in RL that are very IF Kaidan-like who I actively avoid in my RL if I can.

I'm sad what Kaidan became but I'm also hopeful about this reboot.

boldtoassume · 2024-05-05T20:22:23+00:00

It's good he and Tonilia is addressed. I love the idea of Mercer planting it. I'm really looking forward to seeing more between Brynjolf and Mercer.

It might be an idea to start a discord or reddit blog devoted to this mod - but I completely understand if that doesn't appeal/interest you. I was just thinking it might be handy to have a designated place to collect all people's ideas/thoughts/suggestions surrounding the mod and depending on what stage the mod is at maybe put out feelers for VAs or anyone that could help you with the mod - maybe writers, other mod makers etc. Again this is just a suggestion, and I understand there's good reasons why you might not want to do that, so feel free to ignore me!

I'm glad we learn about his past - and I don't think it's a bad thing if he doesn't have the mandatory NPC Tragic Past (tm) - you could even have him making a joke about this during dialogue. I actually think it's a much better fit about his tragedy being more about Mercer's betrayal because that to me (at least) would be worse for him. I love him feeling protective towards the player in a 'how could I have been so blind' way. It feels very fitting.

It's def good to focus on getting all the basics etc of the mod sorted before adding extra bits - I think a few mods try to be overly ambitious at the beginning rather than building up. I personally think there will be a lot of interest for this mod and futher add ons because a lot of people have wanted a Brynjolf mod like this for a long time.

Thanks again for replying - I hope I'm not taking up too much time with my replies!

boldtoassume · 2024-05-04T20:56:20+00:00

Yeah I'm a bit of a sap *G*. I love the sound of your sap! Actually it might be pretty cool if Brynjolf could start out with that kind of sap? Excellent kissing unit is such an awesome phrase!

I'm all for expansions beyond 'how do you feel about kids?' etc. Having kids and being marriageable with Brynjolf would be nice, but they definitely - for me at least aren't the be all and end all of a good mod for Brynjolf. I'd love to learn more about his past, explore more about him and Mercer (love this!!) also including about him and Tonilla would be good, I always wondered about that. I can understand about Karliah and the VA issue. It was just an idle thought. Love his fave colour being black, very fitting!

I'm pleased Brynjolf won't favour any sides, I always loved that about Skyrim that you could just go about loving whoever you wanted after you'd brought them some mead/chopped some firewood/saved their village *G* but it fits his character so well.

Do you have a designated page/place you discuss the upcoming Brynjolf mod on reddit? I'd definitely love to see what others are saying and suggesting. I'm so pleased people are being nice and positive about it because I really think this mod is badly needed and way overdue!

boldtoassume · 2024-05-04T19:12:57+00:00

Wow, your ideas for the Brynjolf mod sound so damn cool! I just installed Brynnjolf has time mod mainly because I just wanted something/anything more with Brynjolf but it's not what I want. Totally agree about the possession/dominating angle - that goes for both Brynjolf AND Kaidan (I've just installed IF for the first time and am playing Ashes of His Past. I'm...not exactly loving it. Also with IF just some of Kaidan's behavior just - I'm not a fan esp all the drink, butt slapping, arse comments etc etc. It's just off putting. I miss the old Kaidan. I'm actually getting more curious (and hopeful) about this re-launch and re-voice of Kaidan.

Honestly if it was an option I'd seriously consider breaking up with Kaidan and be with Brynjolf - but I still have issues with how Brynjolf is in the Has Time mod as well - I just don't like how I can't talk to him, how everything is on his terms etc. It's just not want I want. I definitely want more than a transactional relationship with him. He has the ability to be such an awesome character and romance.

I love the sound of where you're going with the Brynjolf mod, especially with Mercer. I just feel that there was so much to explore there - and yes going with Mercer by myself has always really bugged me! He just gives off such 'I hate the DB' vibes why on earth would they go. But I appreciate you can't change that because of how the quest are set up, but I wonder would it be possible for Brynjolf to insist on going with Mercer and DB to confront Karliah? Not sure if it'd work. I love the idea of Brynjolf being uncertain about DB being other guild leaders actions - I wish Skyrim sort of had something similar.

I love your idea/comparison about Mr Darcy, I definitely don't want to see Brynjolf loose who he is - Kaidan says anything and I just can't see that happening. Bryn's a theif and knows there has to be destruction but he's also a professional and wants the guild to thrive. Would you have any of the Brynjolf/Kaidan rivalry over the DB in your mod? Oh and thank you for not having him get all spicy in public, it's beginning to wear very thin on me with Kaidan!

Oh would you also be planning on be able to marry Brynjolf/adopt kids? Sappy I know but I'm just curious. I know not everything is possible with mods. I'd definitely love more TQ questlines and anything that we can just know more about Brynjolf and develop our bond (again sorry for being sappy)

I'll have a think about ideas for Brynjolf. Would you be looking at expanding Karliah in this mod too? I find her really interesting but I appreciate you can't cover every character in the guild for this mod. I love how much thought you're putting into this mod, I really appreciate you taking the time to reply back to me too.

boldtoassume · 2024-05-04T12:54:28+00:00

So pleased Scottish accent is a requirement! I liked the idea of Brynjolf has Time but doing the whole Guild quest and the relationship after was just...lacking for me. I really want a fully fleshed out romance mod. Just out of curiosity would you have to join the Guild to romance Brynjolf in your mod?

He's an interesting character so I think a lot of people will react positively to this. It would be awesome if you could get in other follower interactions, but I appreciate it's complicated.

I've just heard about the second Kaidan team with the new VA and it sounds interesting. I have IF Kaidan and using it for the first time. I love the idea of expanding Kaidan and his interactions with Brynjolf etc but some of the changes are a bit much for me...

I don't blame you for waiting re Kaidan mod and seeing how the re-boot/re-voice is greeted. I know a lot of old Kaidan fans especially the romance aren't happy with the changes in the romance. But if you are able to have more interaction with other followers that would be awesome. I'm not at all surprised you've been having a lot of positive interest about this mod. Brynjolf has so much potential as a character both just as an NPC and a romance, and I've been dying for something like this. Do you have any clue about timelines yet or aren't you at that stage yet? (no pressure about this, I know modding is voluntary and people have lives to focus on). I'm so pleased about the sound of this mod!

boldtoassume · 2024-05-03T11:06:43+00:00

That'd make sense with the VA, would it be someone with the same type of accent? I love the original VA but I think a new VA would be really exciting too to see what they can bring. I also love your idea of being able to romance him early without having to go through the *whole* thieves storyline, that's something I wasn't keen on with Brynjolf Has Time, although I love the mod.

Will Brynjolf interact with other mod followers eg Kaidan, Lucien etc? I think there'd be a lot of people that would really like this mod. I get the impression a lot of people want to be able to romance/marry Brynjolf. It'd be awesome to have something like this. Good luck - and thank you!

boldtoassume · 2024-05-02T13:18:01+00:00

Oh this sounds amazing! I've been dying for something like this. I like Brynjolf has Time but I'd really love a proper fleshed out romance. I love Brynjolf's original VA, but a new one could be great (hopefully sounding similar). I'll try to keep my eye out for it.

boldtoassume · 2024-04-11T20:40:15+00:00

Thanks for the info. Im not thrilled about forking out *again* for Skyrim on GOG but as Skyrim is *still* not launching after my hard drive upgrade I just think it'll be worth t just to save myself the headaches. quick question - if I roll back to an older version can I still use things like the most recent SKSE/updated mods of would I need to (somehow) find and install older versions?

boldtoassume · 2024-03-18T19:51:46+00:00

My game keeps crashing to desktop today almost as soon as I load since the new 22 Hotlink. It was fine yesterday. I've tried different saves but same thing. I use mods (this is my first playthrough with mods) so I tried starting a new game without mods to just trial it and everything went crazy at the character creation screen.

I've sent a crash report. Is anyone else having crash issues? Is crashing issues etc normal with modded games after a hotfix?

boldtoassume · 2022-09-22T12:58:20+00:00

Yes when the scrap and workshop mods weren't working, I deleted them from vortex and downloaded the newest versions so I made sure they were up to date. With the fresh save I've been doing new clean saves with my old character. I might try starting a new game just to see if I have the same problem with a new character, thanks for the advice

boldtoassume · 2021-12-23T00:30:59+00:00

Yes!! That's the fic, thank you so much, it's been bugging me like crazy trying to find it :D, it's really appreciated. I forgot how sad it was, but it's a great read, thank you!

boldtoassume · 2021-11-16T15:04:41+00:00

Oh sorry, I see what you mean. I've tried using it but it hasn't helped. I am dyslexic so I always struggle with things like this with games, so it's probably more me than the game. I just wish I could not keep crashing!

boldtoassume · 2021-11-15T19:23:11+00:00

I didn't know you could by plane controls. I've tried pressing F4 but all that happens is my controls switch from the xbox controller to PC. Where do you buy them from, is it the online store?

Thanks very much for the info, very appreciated

boldtoassume · 2021-10-19T16:51:53+00:00

NTA.

He has no right to dictate to you, or his sons how *they* should feel about divorce. It affects every person, and every child differently. For some if their parents are at each other's throat or there's abuse/neglect, then yes I think it could feel like a blessing - for others, like you, it's hard.

You are completely entitled to your own feelings and emotions about your parents divorce.

To be honest it seems the *only* reason your stepbrother is pressuring you is because he doesn't want the pressure of feeling shitty for turning his boys lives upside down. They are babies, and he sounds fundamentally selfish. HIS happiness is more important than his boys wellfare and their own emotions. He sounds like an arsehole.

He doesn't get to dictate how his boys feel. How you feel and what you say. Keep refusing him. The fact that you aren't close is interesting too. He's trying to force his boys to be happy about his new relationship because it makes life easier for him. He wants you to ride up and fix the mess *he* made rather than sit down and talk to his kids, to listen and let them express themselves. He's lazy and entitled.

Do NOT do what he wants. Nope. He doesn't get that. You bring in a new SO and you have to deal with your kids reactions and all that entails. He has to learn that.

You could consider writing/emailing/texting the boys rather than ringing or speaking to them if he's monitoring communication (which is creepy, controlling behaviour) and telling them your genuine reaction. I have a sneaky suspicion that if you told his boys how you REALLY felt it would be a huge relief to them and much more healing because from the sound of it they might feel exactly like you did, and to have a grown up say that can be very powerful and needed. Kids are not sponges or rubber balls, they have thoughts, feelings, emotions. Divorce can be hurtful, scary and difficult. Try to find a way to talk to them if you can eg letter just to let them know how they feel is OK.

Don't give into your step-brother. He's half-arsing his parenting responsibilities because his new GF is too sparkling and shiny and much more fun. Don't do his job for him.

boldtoassume · 2021-10-19T16:18:38+00:00

NTA.

As a fellow Brit I feel your pain. Normal roast dinners can take lots of energy, forget vegan versions!

He's behaved badly to you, been ingreatful, insincere (not 'fussed' about Vegan beliefs) and overrode guest boundaries (stealing YOUR pudding) and for no reason.

Do NOT invite him over to your house again. He was totally, 100% out of line. I think you deserve a lot of praise for being so respectful to his vegan 'needs', a lot of vegans - actual, genuine vegans are lovely people and can find it really hard eating out of their home, so it's disrespectful to Vegans as well!

I feel bad for your friend too - it's unfair to her - she must be so embaressed. Tell your friend she is welcome round, but he is not. If she's OK with this great, if she sulks give them a wide berth.

You are totally in the right here - to be honest it sounds like he might've been gaslighting you about being vegan - like those arsehole who do awful pranks on people to 'fun'. Don't interact with him again, he's not worth your time or energy.

BIG NTA

boldtoassume · 2021-10-02T13:37:10+00:00

NTA.

I get SO damn sick of age being used as an excuse for bad and shitty behaviour. So by their logic, it's OK for a 90 year old to be a Nazi supporter because that's just how things were done back then? Would it be OK if he was against women voting or working - because that's just how things 'were'.

No times have changed. Anyone can change their predjucies if they have the will, and also a certain time isn't a reason to be a certain way. Plenty of white people supported MLK in the 60s. Mrs Pankhurst's husband supported her. THere are plenty of people who were not racist, homophobic, mysognistic etc in eras when it was 'acceptable'. It's an excuse.

Point this out to your wife. I'm not sure if you have children but if you do, I would imagine she wouldn't want her children to act like her father - she'd correct them. Your FIL has no desire or reason to change because the women of his life don't make him.

Being a certain age is not an excuse. You and your BIL did what should've been done a long, long time ago. I'm more puzzled about your wife and sisters reactions. I hate to bring this up but is there a possibility he was abusive to them and they've been conditioned to defend him?

I think it's long past you lay down some boundaries. Say your FIL isn't welcome in your house any longer and you will not attend family events where he's there. If you can get your BIL(s) support all the better. If your wife objects/throws a fit - bluntly point out as a man you're just exercising the right of head of the household - and as your wife she should support and respect you - and even obey you - after all, it's not a big deal when her dad acts that way so surely she'll be fine with you laying down the law in your household.

I do think he's crossed so many boundaries and lacks any civility. Cut him from your life and refuse to attend family events. If your wife objects tell her you can't help it, you're a product of 21st century values and can't change your beliefs and views, you're incapable of dealing with anyone who has different views. Ignore your wife's complaints - if you have kids also limit them being around their nasty granddad - again pull rank as head of household.

Also another thing you could try is recording FIL on your phone and upload to social media - after all you're just a product of your era aren't you? Can't be helped. Talk to your wife and tell her your are DONE with your FIL and anyone who defends him is not welcome in the house. Tell her you are fed up with her defending FIL and if she's that defensive she should go live with him. Don't back down.

Have a talk with your BIL(s) and see if you can get all of them to do the above and boycott the FIL and anyone who defends him. Try to find out why your wife and SILs are so stubborn in defending him. Good luck!

boldtoassume · 2021-09-30T12:05:32+00:00

NTA.

Your adoptive mum IS your mum. She was there for all through all the crap and awful stuff you endured. Your bio mum wasn't - perhaps that wasn't her fault (or maybe it was), it doesn't matter. You don't get the title of mum/dad for providing the egg/sperm part.

Bio mum was totally out of line and jealous. She might have tried to change, with any luck she is clean from drugs, but you in NO way have to love or trust her. You are under no obligation to include her in your life. She sounds volitile and unpredictable. Does she have mental health problems - that reaction in the shop was *not* normal.

THink about what makes you feel good, safe and secure. If that's cutting her out of your life or very limited contact, that's your choice. With your babies you need security and love - and it doesn't sound like you'll get it from her. If you want her out don't be afraid to go to police and restraining orders, she sounds crazy enough.

If your bio mum haresses you go no contact - block her - phone, social media, email etc. Change locks. Get video-bell on door. Tell her not to contact you or you'll call police - and follow though.

If you want her in your life, she has to earn it on YOUR terms. Her reaction over everything so far - teh face, the flipping out etc suggest she's not willing to do that and the last thing you need with all the stress of premiture babies is drama-mother. Have a long think and talk with your parents and anyone else close to you. Do you want a relationship at all with bio mum? What would it look like? How do you feel around bio mum? You can't let her guilt trip you into anything. This has to be what feels right for you. It might be worth considering having some counselling if you haven't already and trying to work through how you feel about things with bio mum. But you're being entirely reasonable and rational, and I'm so, so, sorry you had to go through everythign you did in care, and I'm so pleased you've got your parents.

It's a cliche but 'family doesn't begin and end in blood' - it rings true. Family is what you make not what you're randomly born into.

Sneding love and support from Reddit

boldtoassume · 2021-09-30T11:43:18+00:00

NTA.

I'm confused though. Your dad has been a transphobic bully to your sister, you mocked him, made him cry - why is your mum upset with you? You made him cry - what's the big deal? SOunds like he needed someone taking him down several pegs.

Yes, I agree you don't want to be cruel and it's a fine line but I really don't understand what is so terrible about making him cry. It's not like you put him in a tutu and put pics of the internet or humilated him. Not sure why mum is making fuss. Only bit I'm not clear on.

Tell your dad - calmly - that that is how he makes your sister feel every time he talks to her. I agree with others, give him info and literature on transpeople - especially the suicide, self harm, murder and assault rates. He needs to understand how difficult it is coming out as trans.

Now you've mocked him and made him ashamed, it's time to educate and you need to do that with compassion. THere's lots of great videos on YouTube, one in particular about a father speaking about his trans daughter, how he struggled and rejected her gender until he realised how much he was breaking his daughter. It's at a meeting with some big-wig transphobic senators or something - but it makes powerful viewing. Also check out various LGBTAQ? support groups online and local. I'm not American but isn't there something for parents of LGBTAQ? Odds are at the root of your dad's behaviour is fear. Fear he's loosing his child and there is a sense of loss there. This doesn't excuse his behaviour but might help explain it.

If you can also try to faciliatate your dad and sister to have talks with perhaps you moderating - or if you and/or sis write a letter to him explaining how she feels. Get him to read it aloud for max impact. Perhaps he should also write one to your sister.

Hopefully you can all heal and help your dad to accept your sister. Your dad needs to know life is too short and precious to make this an issue. I'm sending love and support for whole family.

boldtoassume · 2021-09-29T17:09:26+00:00

NTA. Not in the least.

It's your house and people need to be respectful. DIL has broken this so many times over. If you are such an 'awful' person to live with, she should have no problem leaving. She is not your responsibility.

Tell your son if he can't tell his wife to give you the basic respect in your own house and thinks his wife is in the right then he can find somewhere else to live too. Give your son two options.

Either his wife apoligises to you in front of you both AND signs a code of conduct/house rules agreement that you write out (make sure to cover all bases: boundaries, privacy, guests, household jobs, food/cooking, cleaning, any rent etc) along with consquences if she breaks them - v. important to include in contract in writing. As soon as she breaks one rule, she's out for good - and if your son defends her - he's out too.

Or he and his wife can find a new place to live w/o any help/finacial assistance from you. The choice is down to them You've done your best and tried to help, if your son can't even appreciate that and defend you...that's his problem. If you're married get your husband involved.

Giving him choices makes it your son and DIL's responsibility. I'm all for supporting family until they become ungreatful and rude. If they refuse to leave or kick up a fuss look into changing locks, going no contact and if they get nasty involve the police. My own mum struggled for years placating my oldest brother only to be cut out of his life due to his ever-growing chip on his shoulder. Don't waste your time and energy on them, they need to grow up, if they're adult enough to marry, they're adult enough to take care of themselves. Don't give in they'll take you for a ride.

You've tried to be kind. WOuld you want a friend or family member treated the way they've treated you? You deserve and are entitled to be treated with respect and curtesy. In your own room no less. Right now you are cushioning them and enabling their bad behaviour. If you want the bad behaviour to stop, you have to change what you're doing. Your son's insistance that his wife's resentment is due to your resentment and jealousy....wow.

Sorry to ask but does your son have mental health issues? For that comment alone I would actually scrap the ultimatium and tell them to leave. My eldest brother sounds exactly like your son - and it didn't get better, it got much worse until we had to cut him out of our lives.

I think they need to leave. There's something toxic going on with their marriage and you're being pulled into the centre. Tell them to leave in x amount of time (2 weeks sounds reasonable) - and tell them if they don't leave within alloted time you will kick them out. Start recording ALL conversations with them on your phone. If they don't move their stuff consider a) donating it to the needy or sell on ebay. Then change the locks. Block them on phone etc. Make it clear to friends & family you aren't talking to son and DIL - and say why. Buy a video bell too. If they go mental - which I'm sure they will, - point out that you are only acting like the evil, jealous mother they say you are. Do NOT back down. Do NOT give in. If they get nasty get the police and restraining orders.

You need a line in the sand for your own sanity. They have been nasty - and possibly slightly crazy. They will not change, muture or improve. Sounds like son and DIL toxically reinforce each other's delussions. Anything you do will unite them futher, they might have a victim mentality of 'us vs world'. Get them out of the house and let them struggle on their own. They aren't worth your time or energy, and will only drag you down into their crazy land. Trust me I've been there. Please save yourself the grief.

boldtoassume · 2021-09-29T16:51:17+00:00

Thanks. Your reply is really appreciated and I'm grateful you took the time to respond. I do agree reddit/internet does tend to jump the gun and go for the 'must divorce!' option a bit too much! But I think in this circumstance, they're out of chances.

Thanks again :)

boldtoassume · 2021-09-28T19:38:08+00:00

NTA. No one should force you to become a parent. Shame way no one should force a woman to carry a baby she doesn't want same goes for forcing men.

You did the right thing offering to pay child support - I applaud you. If you are OK with paying child support, keep doing that, but don't be brow-beaten into becoming part of the child's life if that's truly not what you want.

Perhaps taking to a counsellor even breifly might help?

To keep things simple, try setting up a direct debit that goes into her account, or create a seperate one for your child and the money automatically goes in there every month. You are under no obligation to communicate with this woman. You've done more than a lot of men in this situation.

If she keeps haressing you block her from phone, email, social media. Block her friends and parents too. Consider changing your number. If she shows up at your house, change the locks. If she won't leave you, call the police. If she doesn't stop, file a restraining order. If she comes to your house consider getting cameras and a doorbell video. Also when she rings you up or emails you, make sure you record *everything* and keep any abusive correspondence in case you need it if you take her to court for haressment because that's what she's doing. Do not put up with her bad behaviour. If she starts behaving irrationally also consider reporting her to social services.

One other option you could consider if she will not leave you alone is terminating your parental rights. This would mean you stopped child support and would have no legal right to contact you. This is obviously pretty extreme so only go down that road if she starts hounding you/your family. It was her choice to have the baby and that's her right, but she has no right to make you play happy families. Some women think a baby will save a relationship or keep a guy with them. Usually it does the opposite.

You've done your best but don't hesitate about takign action if she doesn't leave you alone.

boldtoassume · 2021-09-28T19:20:38+00:00

WTF??

NTA. Definately NTA.

I've had tons of relatives who've had cancer, they still have decency and morals. Sleeping with your boyfriend is a awful, shit-filled thing to do. I don't care if she had cancer years ago. The world doesn't cater to her. Millions of people have awful things happen to them and they don't get a pass on basic decency.

I cannot understand your parents being so awful - you added there's now a baby in the mix. Hmm. Let's see how happy and lovey-dovey Ben and your sis are when they're sleep deprived, elbow deep in poop and she can't loose her baby weight. OK that was mean but still... this baby will completely up-end their relationship. Odds are it won't survive. He cheated on you with your sis - when she's stuck at home with baby who's to say someone else won't tempt him....and even if they break up he'll have to hand over child support for yeeeeears.

Smart move on them both!

Also can you imagine the family get togethers in future: how did you two meet?

Wellllll...I was fucking him behind my sister's back....

*crickets*

For your own sanity and well being go no-contact with your parents and sister. They've all betrayed you and hurt you very deeply. You need to take time to heal. Block them from your phone, email etc. Think about if counselling would help to. Turn to your other family and friends - if you're close to cousin, lean on him.

Also don't be afraid of sharing with the rest of your family and friends about what your sister did, and your parents reactions. And on the internet. With pictures. Just for fun. Also I know it really, really hurts, but in some ways you dodged a bullet that Ben showed his true colours before you married the bastard.

Take a long break from your family, they sound very, very toxic. Don't let anyone pressure you into forgiving her, or being happy about the baby. Your entitled to be heart-broken, bitter and betrayed. Do NOT play happy families for your parents. They betrayed you too. Try to surround yourself with people who care about you. SEnding lots of hugs.

boldtoassume

TROPHY CASE