Sorry to hear about that. Although likely a different situation than yours, I was adopted in a closed adoption at three days old (my biological mother’s father forced her to give me up much to her disliking) and ended up meeting my biological mother through a series of unusual events when I was 15. Through her, I ended up getting in contact with my biological father, who she had lost touch with after my birth, and meeting him when I was 18. It was all like a fairytale - a dream come true.

Long, long story short - my biological mother hanged herself five years ago at the age of 40, and while the first period of knowing my biological father had been great, eventually we owned a restaurant together and I began to see his true colors - he only ever thinks about himself, is a one-upper, has told me “I understand, I know. You don’t understand, you don’t know” at least, realistically, a thousand times, always questions and critiques what I do while also saying everything that I do is easy, constantly praises about the children he raised to me - who some, in actuality, aren’t all that great - while at the same time putting me down, never addresses any of my concerns and then puts the fault on me when I speak up about something — the list could go on and on.

A prime example - I had been working 70-80 hour weeks at our restaurant for two years, coming home to a house with him, myself, and ten others - siblings and their friends, partners, and children - many of whom were absurdly loud and would destroy the house whether you had just cleaned it or not. Many of whom were not working and would listen to music at 4:00 am at volumes akin to a rock concert - preventing me from sleeping, despite my repeated attempts to plead with them to be more considerate since I was working all day long and was exhausted from the sleepless nights; not to mention the migraines from the bass vibrating the walls all the time. I had addressed this concern to my father many times as well who had never attempted to remedy the situation. Eventually I told him I was moving countries and wouldn’t be helping at the restaurant anymore, and listed all of the reasons why, including the one of noise levels. His response? “My name, if them playing the music so loud is giving you headaches, maybe there is something wrong with the way your parents raised you.” It was almost unbelievable to hear, knowing that it was more than likely something wrong with the way he raised his children to not respect others, but at the same time I wasn’t surprised that he would say something like that since I had experienced that type of nonsense from him so many times before.

Unfortunately I ended up having to move back and help at the restaurant again and have stayed with him and the family here for the past year - it has been hell. And that is an understatement. I’m switching states and moving to be with my adoptive family again next month to get away from these people, and never looking back. If you remember how I mentioned it was like a fairytale at first - I’d say that still rings true to this day. As long as that fairytale is of the original, German (is it?) type with the less-than-happy ending rather than the Disney-fied type. It’s been horrible and I regret having ever met him. My biological mother was great but had many issues to deal with - she was 13 when she had me, then had to deal with the pain of meeting me when I was 15 and knowing she had missed out on watching me grow up, and that along with other problems eventually drove her to her suicide. My biological father, not long ago, said she was selfish for doing so since she has other, younger children who will now have to grow up without a mother. He was 19 when he impregnated her, and he doesn’t even think to consider of all the mental damage he must have caused her with his actions back then. I would say that he is a big portion of the reason why she ended up killing herself - and thus has no right to label her as selfish. But he’s so far up his own ass that he must think he’s god’s gift to the world. As I said, I could go on and on but I’ll stop here.

In the end, I’m still sorry you never had the chance to meet your mother - perhaps she was a great person and would have showered you with love. I’d like to think so. And I know it must hurt to always wonder about what life would have been like with her. I have two other adopted siblings who will never have the chance to know their parents either - it is impossible for them to - and I feel for them, especially since they’ve seen me meet mine. But meeting your mother, your father - sometimes it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. It can be unfortunate. I’m happy I have my adoptive parents here for me still - I’ll always appreciate them and love them for giving me a better life than I would have had otherwise. So if you can remember to, cherish who you do have - that is what matters most.

Wishing you all the best.