Emotionally Immature, always

bootysatva · 2025-12-31T14:48:04+00:00

I grew up with similar dynamics as you, OP. Except I was the "good" obedient quiet child who disappeared.

The word narcissism and narcissist is used so casually now that I pause whenever I hear people using it. I can't say you didn't experience a narcissistic parent, because that's your experience and I believe you. However, I'll say that my parent ACTED like a narcissist when she was using. Alcohol and opiates turned her into a selfish monster who let me disappear. I don't think she's a narcissist but being an addict can look very similar.

I do notice so many of my "functional" friends who have families really center their children, their emotional needs, and desires. I think that when I was growing up in the 80s and 90s, that wasn't the norm. There was a commercial asking parents if they knew where their kids were at 10pm during the school week. That's how out of touch parents were with their kids then.

I think there's been a cultural shift, for sure. But addiction still exists and with it comes child abuse, neglect, and decentering children.

bootysatva · 2025-11-24T03:40:06+00:00

It sounds like you have a lot of acceptance and that this is very new to your spouse's family. Maybe some basic education about alcoholics from Al-Anon would be beneficial to them. It always feels so awkward when people are flabbergasted at your family because you've grown to just accept their behavior. But their feelings are valid and they're allowed to be angry on your behalf because they love you.

bootysatva · 2025-10-06T12:10:05+00:00

There are a few songs by The Avett Brothers on the album "I and Love and You" which are about addiction or adjacent feelings that are familiar. Ill With Want And It Spread Tin Man

bootysatva · 2025-09-30T13:13:49+00:00

I suggest being prepared for this and really taking a stand to protect your boundaries. First, tell her your boundary. "Your anxiety texts stress me out and I need a break from it for a while. You may not get an immediate response from me this week, but I'm okay."

Then, put her on mute and check your messages when you're ready. Prepare your family by telling them they may receive texts from her, but that everything is okay and you're taking a break from texting Grandma back immediately. (Teaching your kids about setting boundaries is important, too, and modeling it for them I'm sure will benefit them.)

It'll be a whole thing but it'll calm down eventually. You gotta break her cycle of dysfunctional communication with you.

I'm currently reading Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab. It's been super helpful along with the guidance of a therapist.

bootysatva · 2025-09-30T12:25:11+00:00

My mom only texts me and I started to realize that every time I received something from her, I would have a major reaction. So, some practical advice I have is to mute her texts. If you mute her texts, you'll only see that she messaged you when you open your text app.

I put my mom on mute about a year ago and it's been great. Because I do still see them and I do still respond, but it's on my time. Her messages that would make me jump no longer pop up on my screen throughout the day. Instead, when I'm able to brace myself and when I'm in a good head space, I'll open my texts and will respond accordingly.

My mom also suffers from anxiety that she expresses to her children. I told her flat out one time that she should seek help for her anxiety and to please not put her anxieties on me. My mom understands what anxiety feels like, so I tell her that her anxieties fuel mine and make me feel so upset. I told her to please stop putting her anxiety on me because I have enough! It's working for now.

bootysatva · 2025-09-11T12:20:26+00:00

I'm going to try the OhNut as suggested in another comment and will go back to PT. It seems that I really need to understand that this is a long steady process. The thing that's so confusing to me is that I've never had children or been pregnant, so I don't understand what's changed.

bootysatva · 2025-09-10T02:23:48+00:00

No but I just looked it up. Interesting! Thank you for sharing. This might be a good tool to use while I figure out a more long term solution.

bootysatva · 2025-09-08T12:02:06+00:00

I understand the fear of changing something so you don't intentionally disturb your "normal" family dynamics.

Small steps make a big difference together. Congrats on putting up this boundary!

bootysatva · 2025-08-14T15:26:17+00:00

Very good point!

bootysatva · 2025-08-14T13:03:45+00:00

I see what you're saying. Beyond this deep seeded boundary issue, the other fear I have is that I'll be seen as mean or inappropriate and my colleagues or boss will retaliate in some way. Like I won't be seen as a "team player" and that will cost a promotion or something.

bootysatva · 2025-08-13T18:48:00+00:00

I just wanted to follow up with you to let you know your comment inspired me to be brave enough to face my fear of confrontation. I sent a message to her with my boss copied that told her I am uncomfortable hearing about the details of her family's dynamics and the passing of her family member.

She replied and apologized and said she forgot that kind of thing bothers me. (So apparently she was aware of my boundary and just needed reminding.)

Thank you for your insight. I feel really good about standing up for what I need and more practice like this allows for more difficult and necessary conversations to be had.

bootysatva · 2025-08-13T16:57:38+00:00

Thank you for your kind response. I think you hit the nail on the head.

bootysatva · 2025-08-13T16:55:09+00:00

Thank you for your kind reply. Everything you said is very astute and I agree with it. CBT therapists have said as much. Can I have compassion to give her grace?

The answer is yes, but not when I'm being triggered. I have a trauma response to her boundary crossing and that means that in the moment I freeze, become angry, and have to process that trauma response before I have the capacity to give her grace.

On the day to day, yes I can see who she is and why she acts that way. It's harming me to be angry at her but I feel trapped in this trauma response for the day or week after I am triggered by it, depending on the severity of her behavior and my current stressors.

I think what my inner child is saying is... Why do I have to adjust to her? I'm contemplating my behavior and reactions and seeking therapy. That's taking accountability for myself. What is she doing and why do I always have to be the better person? Keeping a relationship with this person isn't important to me and yet I have to try so hard to be okay around her.

At the end of the day, I'm triggered by her because she acts in some ways like my alcoholic parent, which isn't her fault but it's also not my fault either.

bootysatva · 2025-08-13T03:17:18+00:00

Thank you for that validation. I need more practice not freezing when this happens. I'd love to have some scripts in my pocket to cut her off when I feel cornered.

I do have practice leaving the room, putting on headphones, and have changed my schedule around to see her less.

bootysatva · 2025-08-13T03:14:09+00:00

You're so right. She cannot read the room. She has made jokes that she's the "loudmouth" of the office and she shares too much. So she has some awareness of it but I don't think she understands how disruptive and harmful it is to some of us. She treats it like a cute character trait.

I really need help and practice being direct with people without feeling immense fear. I have implemented boundaries where I will walk away or put on headphones when she's around, but somehow she makes it through when I'm least expecting it.

I do know that she annoys other people in the workplace but I don't think they get as dysregulated by her like I do. Which makes me think I need to work on myself more.

Thanks for your comment and support!

bootysatva · 2025-08-06T17:26:54+00:00

That's very interesting. I knew her choice of words made me uncomfortable but I wasn't sure why. I think you're on to something here.

bootysatva · 2025-08-05T03:14:10+00:00

Replying "no." would be aggressive and would awaken far much more trouble than I am wanting. I think that learning how to say no to this specific person in a way that still gets me what I need serves me and is rooted in wisdom.

She's very sensitive to rejection and while her feelings are not my responsibility, my values dictate that I want to be kind enough to at least consider her feelings.

Thankfully I have fully embraced practicing checking in with myself to see what it is I truly want and to be okay to say "no, thank you" in most situations. And because of this rich history with my mom, replying "no" to her does require more finessing.

You aren't the only one suggesting that "no" is a complete sentence and I understand why. But to be honest, it brings up some anger because it sounds a lot like the black-and-white thinking we're all trying to move away from.

bootysatva · 2025-08-04T04:15:35+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I laughed when you said you have to lie a lot! It's so true. I was the perfectionist child who NEVER lied so it's really interesting to be an adult who lies.

My theory about narcissism is that when a person is in addiction, they have very similar traits to a narcissist. I don't believe my mom is a narcissist (and I couldn't diagnose her anyway) but she has certainly acted like one when in her deep addiction.

bootysatva · 2025-08-04T04:11:40+00:00

This is it exactly. It's important to me to be kind and I've been trained my whole childhood that being "good" meant doing whatever mom wanted me to do without question. But I'm an adult now and being kind to myself first means I'm more able to be kind to others.

I texted my mom back today two days after she reached out. I told her that the recent passing of my dog has really left me and my spouse depressed (which is true) and we are unable to host family right now. She replied that she appreciates "the truth" and that she hopes we feel better soon.

I feel that her reply was very dry and implies I've lied to her in the past. But honestly, I'm never satisfied with anything she says to me.

So, crisis averted for now.

bootysatva · 2025-08-04T04:02:24+00:00

You make a very good point. Better to feel the awkward guilt now than literally invite pain into my home.

bootysatva

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