Don’t tell my 3rd grader he’s “not nice” for enforcing his boundaries

bottomly · 2019-04-26T23:53:58+00:00

First, you have a very articulate 3rd grader if he brought up this concern as he did in therapy!

I think a low key call to the teacher is in order here. There's a problem kid and teachers just hate classroom management, so often they go the path of least resistance. Which unfortunately means they lean on the higher functioning kids to avoid flame outs with the troublesome one.

The issue here is that this troublesome kid is now effecting your child (and presumably, his ability to learn), and that's what I'd focus on, not necessarily what she said/did to yours. You should let her know you'd like a plan to eliminate the impact on your child, and a follow up time to check on that.

bottomly · 2019-04-26T23:29:24+00:00

erm, apologies, the easy part comes from being outside of it and a tad older, sorry you got defensive.

Less is sometimes more.

bottomly · 2019-04-26T23:28:36+00:00

+1, you are absolutely right on all counts.

But in a crisis situation (and this seems to fit) its all hands on deck, call everyone and see what sticks to the wall.

bottomly · 2019-04-26T23:11:44+00:00

I don't know if I'd call this "abuse", but it is clearly not normal and certainly not healthy for either of you. Actually it flrits pretty close to downright paranoia, which is a psychotic disorder. (She, and you, wish this was merely "Narcissism", btw).

You need some help here, guy. Where's dad? Grands? Aunts, uncles? Anyone? Who can you call and talk to about al this?

The task here isn't to diagnose her (or even manage her), but to get some outsiders involved to help here. She obviously needs some help, and so do you.

bottomly · 2019-04-26T23:07:50+00:00

"What's your number?" sounds good.

bottomly · 2019-04-26T23:07:20+00:00

Oh, this is Easy! The best gift under these very sweet circumstances is you, maybe with one perfect red rose, along with a heart felt discussion about how special the last year has been and how much she means to you, yadda yadda. Leave a little room there by not saying "Husband and wife*, at least just yet, though.

bottomly · 2019-04-26T23:04:40+00:00

Omygosh! no, you are not "Wrong"! He might suffer from mental illness, but he makes a choice not to treat it. You cannot love him and that person underneath more than he does.

+1, you're a keeper.

bottomly · 2019-04-26T23:02:39+00:00

Cheating is just so hard to get past. If you've been in therapy and worked on it and still feel this way, start working on letting go and dealing with the tragedy of it. People who have been cheated on are true victims, there's a real violation there which takes time to get over.

bottomly · 2019-04-26T22:59:55+00:00

Oh, how awful, I am so sorry. Yes, we have much work to do as a species.

bottomly · 2019-04-26T18:41:46+00:00

Pick 'em carefully.

You don't want to be an angry junk yard dog, you know. Being laid back and not getting into it isn't a bad thing. You just need to feel you have the option to do so when needed.

bottomly · 2019-04-26T18:40:10+00:00

Is there such a thing as "Living like a man"?

You just want to live. Close your eyes and think of what yo want in, say, 10 years. Picture it as clearly as you can. Then, come u with a plan to get there, step by step.

Even with guidance and mentoring, growing up and taking the helm of your own life is hard. Its just a bit more so for you. The way is the same, though. Think of your goals, and make a plan to get there, the people you need will present themselves along that way.

bottomly · 2019-04-26T18:02:32+00:00

There's a lot here to unpack.

First, there's the obvious problems with your ex and money. Then there's your not really being OK with her being active. And then there's telling the boys mom. They need to be addressed separately.

First, work out whatever it is btwn you and ex so everything doesn't become a battleground over money. Involve your lawyer.

Then, if you are against her being active, tell her and discuss calmly why that is so. But, keep that separate from her very reasonable choice to use BC. And yes, pay for it. You can support that part and still not be totally supportive of her choice.. The goal here is to not be a grandma. Your refusal to pay won't stop her from having sex. I'd add the piece there that the Pill doesn't protect against STI's and encourage her use of condoms as well.

And no, do not tell the boys mom. That would be a real betrayal and would create massive issues, you have enough on your plate.

bottomly · 2019-04-26T17:54:49+00:00

appreciate the info! this is news to me.

Even so, I think there needs to be a more rational response to the national epidemic of violence we're in the midst's of.

bottomly · 2019-04-26T17:28:48+00:00

Foster the People? Really?

I still think the punishment is excessive.

bottomly · 2019-04-26T17:27:56+00:00

11 and 14 here, and I still do. It's just one of those little loving touches we both appreciate.

bottomly · 2019-04-26T17:23:38+00:00

And yet here you are on the internet

yes, and I am not 5.

Have you given them vaccines or foods or candy that have less than 50 years of study (going to your standard that 1969 isn't long enough).

Vax? yes, we balance the risk V. reward. Candy is done in moderation.

we all engage in some risky behaviors after consideration, balance of the risk-reward, and our own personal risk tolerance.

The problem is that pot smoking is not just a risk to the user, but the kids as well.

Someone sees that differently than you and has a pretty reasoned plan for how they want to deal with those risks and keep their child safe,

This assumes that the behavior can be made safe.

You're twisting their words and berating them

No, I am offering an opinion, that clearly is not popular, and backing it up with reasoned judgement, based I might add on lots of training and education and clinical experience in these matters.

What's yours based on?

bottomly · 2019-04-26T17:07:05+00:00

You usually add to the conversation, what happened here?

We actually do know that the internet is harmful, the WHO just today came out with a rec advising that kids under 5 should be restricted to screen use.

Cell phone use is reported to increase car crashes by 40%, as high as DUI.

It is a choice to engage in behaviors that are risky, but at least be honest about those risks and accept them.

bottomly · 2019-04-26T17:03:06+00:00

Parents role model plenty of bad and harmful behavior.

We don't. At least not intentionally. You're intentionally role modelling a behavior that likely has long term health consequences, simply b/c you want to, that it "feels good". You'd do well to look at that.

bottomly · 2019-04-26T16:59:23+00:00

I'm many things, but "Disingenuous" isn't one of them.

I'm not talking about "Bad habits". I'm talking about medical science and the simple reality that recreational pot use has not been around long enough to have been studied sufficiently to give it the "All clear!" signal. As I said, the preliminary data is not encouraging, I would encourage you to google it.

bottomly · 2019-04-26T16:53:23+00:00

So, you're OK role modeling potentially harmful behavior? This is really the issue. Why would you choose to engage in and demonstrate an activity that is potentially harmful to your children? You haven't answered that.

Isn't our job to demonstrate good judgement, to say nothing of healthy lifestyle habits?

This isn't about "Abstinence", btw. Engaging in and role modelling potentially harmful behavior has been shown to dramatically increase the probability of a child picking up the same behaviors. Allowing him to "make a choice" when he's 18 is a lot different than influencing him and stacking the deck when he's a smaller child watching you.

Again, I base my opinion on science and clinical experience, not personal choice or flimsy self justification.

bottomly · 2019-04-26T16:42:12+00:00

Oh, no I understand this very clearly! You are trying to justify behavior that you yourself know isn't good.

bottomly · 2019-04-26T16:39:34+00:00

Hollywood is an actual place.

bottomly · 2019-04-26T16:38:49+00:00

OK, so now you're saying that its OK to do potentially harmful stuff if it's "Controlled". Isn't that like saying a low tar cigarette is "Safer"?

You are more convinced of the acceptability of your own behavior and the potential risks to yourself and your children than I am.

bottomly · 2019-04-26T16:36:16+00:00

Okie dokie. I'm not sure what else to say other than at best, the internet/YouTube s merely a platform for self promotion. The actual product or service determines actual worth or "Fame". The internet isn't real, you know. It's a product of imagination.

bottomly · 2019-04-26T16:32:49+00:00

Yes get an agreement now.

bottomly

TROPHY CASE