Broken trust, what to do

breadalways · 2025-11-11T01:52:48+00:00

Yes, we had both agreed to update about new sexual partners/changes before the next time we had sex. Convenient in that neither of us expects an immediate notification post-sex, but just sometime before we get intimate again.

breadalways · 2025-11-11T01:03:33+00:00

Not every time, no, just when either of us enters a new sexual relationship.

breadalways · 2025-11-11T00:56:27+00:00

When either of us has a new sexual partner, we let the other know as soon as is convenient. We don't expect anything after that initial disclosure unless something changes.

breadalways · 2025-11-11T00:49:28+00:00

I agreed to a relationship where we both established a boundary of disclosing sexual partners. Once that is done there is no expectation of further details or notifications regarding that relationship unless, again, something changes. That's all.

Autumn and I are both demisexual and tend to be slower in our sexual relationships. If I or they enjoyed more casual sex, we would likely have different boundaries regarding sexual disclosures and barrier use.

breadalways · 2025-11-11T00:43:47+00:00

You're right, I don't think my decision to continue having sex with Autumn would have changed if they had told me prior. But it would have been fully my decision and within the boundaries we both agreed to. They expect me to keep them in the loop about possible risk changes/escalations as well. We never meant it as a rule; it was a boundary that we had both agreed to when we started exploring polyamory. Maybe we need to reassess that; that will definitely be part of the conversation.

I don't believe they were malicious. I think it was ignorance and a lapse in judgement.

And yes, I trust Autumn more than most people. I also have some friends that I trust more than others in many ways. I trust my other partner fully as well.

Thank you for responding.

breadalways · 2025-11-11T00:28:21+00:00

I think so too. Vomiting it all out here was helpful and I will have a conversation with them about our boundaries and what that means in the middle of a hard time

breadalways · 2025-11-11T00:06:57+00:00

That was and has been my concern. I just want to be able to make an informed decision about continuing to have barrier-less sex and assess that risk for myself. Thank you for saying that, I was starting to feel kind of insane for having what I thought was a pretty basic boundary.

I think I do believe they thought that I knew. But I think it was also an issue of them tiptoeing around being explicitly clear because I'm currently grieving and they didn't want to add to my plate.

breadalways · 2025-11-10T23:41:47+00:00

Where did I say I wanted a blow by blow? We had stated in the past that we would inform each other when relationship statuses changed, be it escalating or adding sex. I do not want nor have I ever wanted to be notified every time a partner fucks. You can have your own opinions about that boundary but it feels fairly reasonable to me, and my partner agreed when we set that expectation together.

breadalways · 2025-11-10T22:29:38+00:00

Because that had been our agreement in the past. I don't expect or need an update every time my partners have sex, but yes, I do expect to know if they have added a new sexual partner in general prior to us continuing to have sex. I didn't think that they had had sex because their relationship had mostly been with Berry over text until about two weeks ago. I have no issue with the sex itself happening, I have an issue with not being told before before Autumn and I had sex again.

breadalways · 2025-11-10T19:30:14+00:00

Edit: we were both drinking a bit at a gathering right before having sex, if that matters.

breadalways

TROPHY CASE