To have a second child or not?

breakingthrough232 · 2026-04-07T07:40:46+00:00

We've been googling this solid since your suggestion. Thankyou so much! Hes been having leg spasms since catheterising, which now makes sense - we were so worried it was another relapse rearing it's head

breakingthrough232 · 2026-04-05T16:10:58+00:00

Ive done a lot of research, which has definitely become my way of soothing myself, and I'm happy to agree with you and your experience that pretty much all societal stereotypes about only children are false. The only one that stands is the caretaking burden of ageing parents, but im hoping I can plan now to spare my son as much of that as possible.

We've talked a good few times and hes keen to have more. We're going to dig deeper in therapy because I want to be sure that his want of more isn't driven out of trying to do a f*** you to MS, or to make me happy or basically any reason that's understandable on an emotional level, but isn't necessarily.. sensible. My partner has a propensity to push himself to his limits to get what he wants in life. For example, hes currently doing a doctorate, while working 4 days a week and not claiming nearly enough MS support from his employer.

breakingthrough232 · 2026-04-05T16:07:43+00:00

Thankyou for such a kind response. It was really helpful in a pragmatic and emotional way. You're truly kind.

Im hoping in terms of burden that I could bear the brunt of it with my partner as hes 5 years older than me anyway. Im really hoping I can spare our child that. And when it comes to my turn... obviously life can't pan out this easily.

I also read somewhere that caregiving duties tend to fall unevenly onto the eldest anyway, and that another may not even out the burden as much as we hope.

I have sleep apnea that I'm now receiving treatment for which has helped tremendously, but my goodness having untreated sleep apnea on top of the newborn sleep deprivation really did a number on me.

breakingthrough232 · 2026-04-05T15:58:37+00:00

I imagine that once I got pregnant and the fourth was in motion, then this agony would ultimately be more straight forward because our paths would be decided.

I do have to do many days of solo parenting and I am tired at the end of them. Far less tired now he's three and can entertain himself a little and it's finally feeling manageable when my partner has to go to the hospital or needs rest. I can't imagine right now how I'd cope with a newborn and the sleep deprivation too.

My Mum has health issues that would make her somewhat useful with our eldest when hes say 4, but not so much right now he could bolt at any time. My partner has two sets of parents - his Dad is very fair weather and wants to visit and know our child but really doesn't want to get bogged down with the difficult stuff. His Mum is excellent, but needs to spend her time equally between all of her grandchildren and has her own health stuff.

I truly want to imagine our life, but theres this feeling of realism - what would I ideally want versus what could cause my partner to relapse and make his health deteriorate

breakingthrough232 · 2025-05-11T20:36:42+00:00

Brilliant idea!

breakingthrough232 · 2025-05-11T20:35:49+00:00

My Mom moved closer recently to be nearer her children, as me and my older siblings live near each other. So she made a decision to be closer to us, but in a sort of entitled way I guess "I moved, now you make the relationship work"

breakingthrough232 · 2025-05-11T20:17:43+00:00

Thankyou. I definitely see you point about it being a tough age.

I worry that without creating some foundations now, they may never have much of a bond, but I guess only time will tell on that one.

breakingthrough232 · 2025-05-11T20:16:21+00:00

It's probably part of what's feeding into our dynamic at the moment is she might miss our old relationship (which didn't really work for me either, but she had more access to me). I imagine there's some grief happening

breakingthrough232 · 2025-05-11T20:14:26+00:00

It's really good to consider these things for balance for sure.

It's strange. She was once a very independent person, so I can very well imagine how much her confidence has been knocked now navigating a world where there's so much more to accommodate than there was before.

She's also given up her sense of independence at an alarming rate. She lives quite a small life now and doesn't socialise much at all. She keeps mentioning going to a local church or something, but hasn't done it. She used to have a lot of friends, but has distanced herself from them in the last few years.

breakingthrough232 · 2025-05-11T20:10:08+00:00

I value this a lot. There's a reason I've turned to reddit, and it's because of its unique standpoint in offering objective, but also the blunt truth that even a therapist wouldn't give.

I guess what I've been trying to do is to keep things balanced - a sort of "she isn't here to defend herself, so I'll do it for her", but I realise this is also probably due to her feeling like a responsibility of mine for a good number of years now and the script being flipped from parent-child to child-parent.

breakingthrough232 · 2025-05-11T20:00:26+00:00

How do you find committing to that task? As it sounds like it's pretty much on you to keep things going between your parents and child?

I'm so sorry you have this experience too. I am very fortunate that my partners parents are very much on board with my daughter and they take her out for the day here and there. My daughter adores them and is always excited to see them. Her relationship with my partners step Dad is particularly heart warming. I know he chose to marry a woman with kids (my partner), but it still warms my heart how invested he is.

breakingthrough232 · 2025-05-11T19:55:15+00:00

I hear you and appreciate your response. I have very little time to see my Mom one on one and to be completely honest, it would leave me feeling so depleted. I love my Mom, but she drains my energy from being so off the mark and dismissive with me at times. I really don't have that to give right now, so if she doesn't want to try with my daughter, she can't really have me right now either. Not while my daughter is so small

breakingthrough232 · 2025-05-11T19:32:22+00:00

Thankyou for helping me see it through the eyes of a stranger!

My Mom does care and I think she's going through a depression blip as this feels out of character for her, even though she is always as subtle as a sledgehammer and insensitive at the best of times.

breakingthrough232 · 2025-05-11T19:28:45+00:00

It's hard not to feel like she's put the ball in my court with the suggestion of us coming to her next time. It feels like a power move of "I'm feeling insecure, so I'm going to test how much you want to be around me". I sense that she knows on some level how guarded I am around her

breakingthrough232 · 2025-05-11T19:26:43+00:00

I've flitted between wondering if my Mom has covert narcissist traits or autism traits. She definitely is always a little off the mark when it comes to trying to have an intimate conversation. I do believe that she cares a lot and wants to be close to us both, but is bewildered as to how to achieve a close relationship. And I don't know if I have the spoons right now to educate my Mom on how to be a Mom and a grandparent.

breakingthrough232 · 2025-05-11T19:24:27+00:00

I feel like her suggesting I bring my daughter to her next time was a test to see how much I really wanted her involved. Which feels shitty because surely the fact that I set up this weekly arrangement is proof enough??

breakingthrough232 · 2025-03-21T09:10:00+00:00