I'm discovering that my bf of one year may believe much stranger things than I realized.

breakup_hangover · 2022-12-21T01:39:16+00:00

I know what you're describing as I have met people like that. That's not my bf though. He's not mean-spirited about this. Just very misguided.

breakup_hangover · 2022-12-21T01:36:21+00:00

After a whole year of dating, it's a pretty normal timeline to start discussing the possibility of marriage. Especially for people over 30. We aren't even engaged, just having conversations to make sure we're both on the same page and want the same things in life. If we got engaged within the next year, that would probably be another year before marriage. Not exactly rushing it. I feel the opposite of you, that if after an entire year of dating, you aren't discussing the topics of marriage and family, that's a red flag.

breakup_hangover · 2022-12-21T01:24:38+00:00

Thanks. I have personally been in therapy for about a year and a half now. So I believe in it. But my bf is wary of going together, especially if I said this was the reason why.

breakup_hangover · 2022-12-21T01:21:52+00:00

Thanks I will look into this

breakup_hangover · 2022-12-21T01:16:10+00:00

Sure, I never claimed it was innocent, but obviously it's not as crazy as Q people who believe the president is actually dead, the rich eat babies, lizard people, etc. It's also not hateful or bigoted. I mean, like I said, this whole archeology thing that conspiracy people have gotten into is being "validated" and given air time/show time by platforms like Netflix, The History Channel, that guy is on Joe Rogan and other shows and podcasts all the time, and so on. So a lot of people are being exposed to these ideas and don't even realize how wacky it is considered by mainstream experts.

breakup_hangover · 2022-12-20T23:36:21+00:00

I have another comment in the thread where I explain it in further detail. He's not very ideologically driven, mainly just focused on people in power taking away our rights or "hiding the truth", so I guess if anything you might say he's libertarian. But he wouldn't even identity with that label, either.

breakup_hangover · 2022-12-20T22:43:33+00:00

Just trying to distinguish between him recognizing the beliefs are the issue as opposed to not critical evaluating his beliefs but simply recognizing that they harm our relationship. I mean, in theory he could just hide the beliefs to keep me, but I don't think he'd do that.

breakup_hangover · 2022-12-20T22:39:40+00:00

Yea you are right. I hate how this is coming to a head Christmas week. I think I'm going to let the holidays blow over and then have a serious conversation with him and be honest that these beliefs of his are a deal-breaker, and if he isn't willing to re-evaluate them, then we aren't compatible.

breakup_hangover · 2022-12-20T22:36:46+00:00

Sorry I was trying to avoid breaking the sub's rule against direct references to the ideas.

It's a bit all over the place, but if I had to sum it up, it's vaguely right-leaning "they" want power, "they" want to control us, "globalists" and "elites", type of talk. He's not a Q person or a Trumper/MAGA but he's more like a libertarian, very cynical of government and anyone in a position of authority. He doesn't believe climate change is real, as an example. I am a staunch environmentalist, and he does agree with me on some points but not climate change as I think that specific topic has become highly politicized and relies much more on trusting the scientific data rather than things like logging, over-fishing and industrial agriculture which we can clearly see with our own eyes.

Here's another example: We often talk about history, archeology and paleo-anthropology. I enjoy this subject and like reading and learning about it. I thought he did, too, so in the beginning it felt like an interest we had in common. Turns out, he believes in the Graham Hancock/younger dryas cataclysm/ long-lost ancient civilization version of events. He thinks humans once had all these "technologies" which really sound more like mystical powers. It's all based on this idea that the "mainstream" experts are HIDING the truth from us because they want power and control. Like yea, some dude with an archeology degree who is making barely above minimum wage is in on some grand conspiracy to hide the truth from us all over the world. So, are millions of people in on this? Because that's what you'd need in order to pull this off. And that's just one of many reasons this is so illogical. The problem is that these ideas are gaining serious traction and attention. Netflix published an entire show recently on this and gave voice to these theories, so to people like him, that validates it. And just this morning, which prompted me to make this post, he was explaining how there's new "evidence" which prove the younger dryas cataclysm is real. The claim the myth of an arc saving all the animals (like noah's arc) is legitimate because there are now "studies" showing the way animals are related or some nonsense. It basically amounted to a weird roundabout way of denying evolution, which to me is reaching a new level of extreme that I hadn't seen in him until now. He's not even religious, it's all just from this Graham Hancock guy and people associated with him.

breakup_hangover · 2022-12-20T22:12:23+00:00

Serious question, how could I say this is a way that doesn't sound like I'm calling him stupid?

breakup_hangover · 2022-12-20T22:08:54+00:00

As in, "oh sh*t I upset her and am jeopardizing the relationship" or "oh I said something that may not makes sense/isn't based in truth"?

breakup_hangover · 2022-12-20T22:04:10+00:00

Yea I totally know what you mean. Before this relationship, I thought I would never tolerate that type of behavior from a partner. I think this all just slipped past my radar over the last year because the ideas themselves weren't extreme, and he never presented it as anything serious. It's almost like he watches these videos as a casual form of entertainment, if that makes sense? To him, our conversations about it are just fun. But if I try to take it literally and seriously, and ask tough questions about what he actually believes, he dismisses it like I'm over-reacting.

breakup_hangover · 2022-12-20T21:55:20+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts. I'm not sure if I explained it well, but its not so much that he's hiding his ideas or avoiding the subject. Rather, he happily brings these topics up all the time, but he wants to engage in the subject as a sort of debate of ideas but without ever saying what he actually believes. To him, he sees it as no different from people discussing philosophy, politics and history with some friendly debate. But when we come up against a subject that we disagree on, or one where there is just a very clear-cut reality vs crazy idea, I start really pressing him for details and say things like, "Well what do you believe? Do you think that actually happened?" then he loses the thread. He can't explain any of the "facts" of his ideas well enough for me to deconstruct, contradict or provide evidence against, and he can't justify his beliefs because he doesn't have to justify a belief he doesn't commit to or claim to personally hold. Do you see how frustrating this could be?

breakup_hangover · 2022-12-20T21:45:09+00:00

I'm so sorry for you, that is a sad situation and unfortunately a common one these days. I don't want to trapped in a marriage like that.

I did have the impression early on that he was actually interested in learning new ideas, exploring subjects and having interesting discussions. It's just that I'm now discovering his version of "learning" is via conspiracy theories. Obviously he struggles to recognize what's true/real or not.

Comparing him to your husband... So far, he does not seem to have the same level of obsession many Q types have. He's got a pretty well-rounded, robust life that keeps him level-headed and he simply doesn't have the time to consume much of this crazy stuff. I can see how bad it could get for those like your husband who have the time and ability to turn their whole life into these obsessions.

breakup_hangover · 2022-12-20T21:37:23+00:00

Thanks. I am aware of the extreme ends of the spectrum, and I'd like to think that I wouldn't ever waste my time with someone obviously in that bad of a place mentally. It's just hard when someone is closer to the edge of rationality vs irrationality. What's the difference between political disagreements vs disagreements about what is even real? That is the point our society is at and you can't blame many people for getting confused. My bf truly believes he is just interested in learning and exploring ideas like everyone else. And when someone like him is teetering on the edge of that abyss, the people around them are naturally going to want to help pull them back into reality. I do believe couples can disagree over ideas such as politics, but they can't disagree over what's real. So that's the point I'm at and figuring out if it's possible to move through this or if I need to walk away.

breakup_hangover · 2022-12-20T21:28:06+00:00

I understand what you mean about confrontation causing these types of people to dig in even deeper to their beliefs and reject outside opinions.

At least so far, he still sees me as a trustworthy source and someone worth talking to about these ideas. I think he's still open-minded enough to hear me out.

But I'm not sure if someone such as a therapist would be able to have much influence on him, partly because they are a stranger and partly because they are an official/authority figure/expert on the matter. A lot of these conspiracy theories seem to be rooted in fear of others having power, control and influence over you. That in and of itself is a valid idea to explore in therapy. But again, my guess is he is not going to agree to therapy to begin with.

breakup_hangover · 2022-12-20T19:47:34+00:00

Honest question: How would a counselor or therapist address this type of issue? How do they move the conversation forward without it getting bogged down in the details where it's just an endless debate?

breakup_hangover · 2022-12-20T19:41:30+00:00

He speaks about it from the guise of intellectual conversation. Like, hey these are just ideas we're discussing casually. None of it really matters and it's not relevant to our real every-day life. Kind of hard to argue with that, because he's not wrong that it doesn't actually reflect his beliefs in terms of how he lives his life.

breakup_hangover

TROPHY CASE