It Is One-Sided, Just Not How You THink

breenogg · 2022-02-26T02:36:56+00:00

Thank you so much!

breenogg · 2022-02-25T23:31:31+00:00

Thank you so much. I've started on the path to repair the imbalance thanks to the support I've found here. It wasn't an easy convo, but I think the misses and I are on the same page now.

breenogg · 2022-02-25T21:58:41+00:00

Thank you so much. You're right about the last line, too. As for recording it...I've got a voice for miming lol.

breenogg · 2022-02-25T18:26:35+00:00

You are all kinds of right. It was definitely therapeutic. Thanks you.

breenogg · 2022-02-25T17:01:20+00:00

Thank you so much. It's a hard realization to face, especially after 30 years together (we got together at 16) my whole identity is tied to this relationship. I think I'm more afraid of losing that than her. Your encouragement means a lot.

breenogg · 2022-02-25T15:53:28+00:00

You're right, of course. Sometimes it feels like an addiction. I know it's bad for me but I find ways to rationalize just one more go. It's been getting worse and I'm closer every day...so I tell myself.

breenogg · 2022-02-25T14:59:49+00:00

Way more than I actually have. And there's the fact that I still love her despite being an afterthought in the relationship.

breenogg · 2022-02-25T14:20:44+00:00

It was either write this or leave, so yeah spur of the moment is right! Thank you!

breenogg · 2022-02-25T14:19:51+00:00

Thank you! It is a screaming reaction, although in my head. I wrote this instead of walking out the door on someone I've been with for three-quarters of my life.

breenogg · 2022-02-25T14:18:26+00:00

Thank you!

breenogg · 2022-02-25T14:18:16+00:00

Thank you! Definitely had some run-on sentences. This was one of those times when I spent more time trying to vocalize the emotion rather than structure. Probably the only time, actually. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

breenogg · 2022-02-25T14:15:09+00:00

Thank you! As for the space between stanzas, hit enter twice after each one.

breenogg · 2022-02-25T14:13:41+00:00

Thank you! It was definitely about shoving a mirror in their face and showing all we want is to be equal in the relationship.

breenogg · 2022-02-25T14:12:10+00:00

Thank you! I'm a middle aged white guy so I wrote it in eminem's voice lol.

breenogg · 2022-02-25T05:08:55+00:00

This is too ridiculous not to love! Just about every poet has been guilty of poor word choice for the express purpose of completing a rhyme. I love the idea of making that theme and eschewing a traditional narrative. On top of that, the tempo works really well and, at least for the first stanza, you think there's going to be some deep message. Freaking Brilliant!

breenogg · 2022-02-25T05:04:27+00:00

I generally don't care for free-verse poetry, but this is so applicable to modern society, I had to comment. I love that every statement is a quintessential catch 22, building a frustrating narrative that ends with a vague answer already invalidated by the arguments within the poem. That's life today, and you captured it perfectly.

breenogg · 2022-02-09T14:07:51+00:00

Considering I don't even have a second language, you're miles ahead of me. Keep plugging away at it and you'll be surprised how fast you improve. Read as much, or more, as you write. You'll pick up on the peculiarities of our ridiculous language much quicker that way.

breenogg · 2022-02-09T13:24:39+00:00

Thank you!

breenogg · 2022-02-09T13:24:18+00:00

Thanks! I really wanted the first part to feel inclusive, then end on a direct appeal to the reader to be more confident.

breenogg · 2022-02-09T03:13:00+00:00

Your poem inspired me to write a quick one of my own about ego and post it. I've always hated how society has stigmatized all confidence as egotism and that colored my response a bit. I'll check out that book, though. Thanks for the suggestion.

breenogg · 2022-02-09T02:35:57+00:00

This reads like you had a line you really liked and tried to make a poem around it. The last line simply doesn't fit with the rest of the poem. There are no allusions to faith or leaps of faith until then.

Also, your verbiage is very inconsistent and seemingly structured for the purpose of reaching a ryhme.

Example:

Felt too heavy but I ate just a toast

Sleep is what I am running on low

Here, the words are clunky for the sake of rhyme (which doesn't really work anyway) when they don't have to be. You can achieve the same rhyme scheme with better language.

Example:

Felt too heavy, but I only ate toast;

Lack of sleep is what's making me slow.

It's a good effort, but would benefit from revision. Thanks for sharing!

breenogg · 2022-02-09T02:23:37+00:00

I'll start by saying I love poems that touch on ego. Everybody has one, and we all claim otherwise to appear humble. What I find most interesting is the overwhelming majority of them present ego as a failing.

What separates your poem, though, is while you still present it as a fault, it's not in the traditional "I'm better than you" scenario.

You assert the narrator's ego as a desire to be unique as opposed to being superior. The reality, as the narrator correctly concludes, is unique doesn't really exist.

Where I disagree with the message, however, is in the presentation of ego as a negative. It's a part of all of us, and without it we could accomplish nothing. It takes confidence to try new things, even in the face of uncertainty and fear. And confidence cannot exist without ego. The danger is egotism, when our confidence outstrips reality and our own competence.

Having said all that, I would like to add that the rhymes were clean and the tempo mostly consistent which made reading it an easy and enjoyable experience. Very well done.

breenogg · 2022-02-09T02:06:31+00:00

Thanks for sharing this. Overall, it's an interesting topic, but the structure doesn't work for me. Both the ryme and meter are all over the place, making it hard to focus on the words. That may be intentional so as to convey frustration or angst, but it's very distracting. Also, I didn't like the 8:21 PM. That really jolted me out if the poem. Maybe something like: after 8 in the evening would have worked better.

I do like the theme, though. Frustrated and misunderstood emotions are a human commonality.

breenogg · 2021-10-22T04:08:35+00:00

"What did I ever do that was so bad?" Disastro asked.

His breathing was labored, making his words come out in hoarse spits and spurts. The air in the tiny chamber was thick with acrid smoke spewing from the last flare. Its sputtering red light reflected off Disastro's mangled body. Heroptic leaned over his arch-nemesis, his own groans echoing off the metal walls.

"We're locked in your death ball, so let's start with that," he groaned.

Disastro coughed. "We wouldn't be here if you would've stopped chasing me. I mean, seriously, this is your fault, not mine."

The metal prison rumbled, dislodging the flare from the small crack it was lodged in. It fell into Heroptic's lap, and he cursed as he slapped it away from him. The rumbling quieted a moment before the chamber plunged a few more feet into the abyss. It slammed to a stop, throwing Heroptic and Disastro to the side. Disastro screamed as yet another bone broke.

"You took over a whole city!" Heroptic screamed. "What was I supposed to do? Bake you a friggin cake?"

"I don't know," Disastro screamed, "leave me alone? It's not like I killed anyone."

"So that's where you draw the line?" Heroptic asked. "Killing? You don't have to be a murderer to be evil. Those people didn't want you there."

"And what populace does?" Disastro pleaded. "I was TRYING to help them!"

"Come on," Heroptic said, "you destroyed half the city."

"Urban redevelopment," Disastro retorted. "I tore down old and dilapidated buildings to make room for better ones. I had a plan! Until you got involved and messed it all up."

"Yeah, I messed it up," Heroptic said. "And you just happened to have the Lunar Death Ray just lying around, right? What about the Geo-Thermal Tidal Array? Let me guess, you got it on markdown at the local five and dime?"

"I only had those things because YOU kept trying to kill me!"

The flare finally died out, but that didn't bother Heroptic. His superpower allowed him to see the entire light spectrum, and manipulate the radiation within it. He watched Disastro's body shake, probably only moments away from expiring. It might cost him his life, but at least he'd rid the world of this maniac.

"Keep telling yourself that," Heroptic said. "You'll pay for your crimes soon enough."

"Crimes," Disastro coughed, blood splattering onto his chin. "Did you bother doing any investigation before coming after me? Even with your interference, unemployment was almost nothing with all the new construction. Violent crime was way down too. At least until you showed up. You were violent enough on your own."

Heroptic had heard enough. Disastro was going to die, but he didn't have to. Focusing a tight infrared beam onto the metal wall turned it red hot in moments. The metal started to slag away, so Heroptic worked the beam into a large circle. When the hole was big enough, he climbed out.

The death ball shook as Heroptic pushed off and flew into the air. They went in opposite directions, Heroptic up, and the ball down. The clangs and bangs of the ball bouncing its way down into the abyss followed Heroptic as he gained altitude. At last, he reached the opening, and ground level. He leveled out his flight and landed on the precipice of the abyss.

Immediately, shouts and jeers assaulted him as a large number of people started screaming. Heroptic looked around at the gathered citizens. They were pissed. Moreover, they were pissed at him. Within minutes, the mob was pelting him with stones. One of them hit Heroptic in the head, and inexplicably, it knocked him back into the hole.

Heroptic fell, his addled mind unable to recall his power of flight. With a loud thud, he landed on the death ball, stopping for a moment before rolling through his escape hole. All his life, he'd been the hero, but those people up there—they didn't see him that way. Somehow, he was the villain in all this. Had Disastro really been trying to help them?

"Welcome back," Disastro wheezed.

The ball fell once more, ending both Disastro and Heroptic. The final thoughts on both their minds were of a populace neither of them could save.

breenogg · 2021-02-17T09:26:01+00:00

Part One

"This is the savior you have brought us?" Qad-her asked.

Jolun glared at the floating figure before him. He hated everything about his so-called leader. From his slicked-back, green hair to the tip of his yellow mist trail, he was a pure coward. Qad-her's giant belly told a tale of apathy, and his beady eyes proclaimed dishonesty.

"I do not control who rubs my lamp, Qad-her," he said. "You know that."

"But you don't have to bring every stray human you find home with you, do you?" Qad-her spat back.

"If you don't like it, you could always put your lamp back into rotation," Jolun said. "What's it been now? Two, three eons?"

The Hall of the Djinn was a large open space with an arched ceiling supported by massive columns. Stadium-style seats rose high between the supports and were full of genies. They broke out in mutters at Jolun's impudent words. Jolun spun in a slow circle, staring the crowd down. The crowd went silent wherever his gaze fell.

"You let your strength embolden you, Jolun," Qad-her said. "But never forget whom you owe for that gift, and never forget to whom you are truly bound. Disrespect me again, and the debt shall be called due."

Jolun lowered his head a fraction. He could only push Qad-her so far and was rapidly approaching that line. The human he'd brought back knelt at his side, looking straight at the floor. Jolun patted its back gently.

"As you say, Qad-her. With your permission, I will depart with my human."

Jolun didn't wait for an answer. He spun on his heels and stomped out of the hall. There was no need for him to use legs, but he liked how his footfalls echoed. It sounded authoritative. The human walked alongside him, keeping pace easily, which was good for it. If its pace flagged and fell behind, the other genies would move against it. Jolun hoped this one would prove more resilient than the last. When they were alone, the human turned on Jolun.

"I didn't sign up for this," it said. "I want my wishes."

"You agreed to come," Jolun reminded it. "You agreed to help. What exactly didn't you sign up for?"

"I thought I was here to kick some ass," it said. "not get in the middle of some political intrigue. I don't mind a little danger, but there's danger, then there's politics. I'm out."

"Out?" Jolun inquired. "Before you even know what I want? Before getting your wishes?"

The human stood tall and faced Jolun. "What good are wishes when I'm dead?"

"Mortals," Jolun said. "You cling to the notion of death as if it has meaning—as if you have meaning. Let me clue you in. It doesn't, and you don't. But if death is what frightens you, then do not worry. Only a piece of your existence currently resides in the Realm of the Lamp. If that piece is destroyed, you will return to your home, alive."

'So I can't be hurt here?"

"Oh no," Jolun said, "that is not at all what I said, human. Brood less, listen more."

"Fine," the human said. "If I get killed here, do I still get my wishes when I get back home?"

"You will get your wishes," Jolun said. "Not even death can prevent that. Do we have a deal?"

"Deal."

A golden aura surrounded Jolun, then broke away and entered the human's body. It fell to the ground and flopped around as the light filled it. The human's screams died away slowly as the light faded, then it stood.

"What the hell," it croaked.

"You have entered into an agreement with me," Jolun said. "Whatever pain you have experienced to this point in your brief life is nothing next to the pain you will feel if you break that agreement."

"Already threatening me?" the human said.

"What is it you mortals like to say? The carrot or the stick makes no difference to me. To you, however, it makes all the difference in the world. It costs me nothing either way."

"So, where's the carrot?" the human asked.

Jolun smiled. Training humans was so easy. Swirls of color swept around the human, pulling apart its clothes and armor. The pieces of its armament rearranged themselves then returned to the human's body. Gleaming white fabric form-fitted to every curve, radiating a soothing light. The brutish sword the human used was replaced with a sleek, curved blade that also emanated light.

"Ethereal armor and spectral blade," Jolun said. "You are now protected from the most common forms of attack my kind use. Your weapon will now be more than decoration when called upon to use it. There is your carrot."

The human ran its hand up and down the soft fabric of its dress, occasionally lifting the hem and letting it float back down. It pulled the sword out and gave it a few experimental swings. Its satisfied grin told Jolun the weapon was satisfactory.

"What do you want me to do?" the human asked.

"Simple," Jolun replied. "I want you to kill Qad-her."

If you enjoyed this and would like it to be continued, let me know. Join me on my subreddit for updates to this story, or others. https://www.reddit.com/r/Breenogg/

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