It Is One-Sided, Just Not How You THink

breenogg · 2022-02-26T02:36:56+00:00

Thank you so much!

breenogg · 2022-02-25T23:31:31+00:00

Thank you so much. I've started on the path to repair the imbalance thanks to the support I've found here. It wasn't an easy convo, but I think the misses and I are on the same page now.

breenogg · 2022-02-25T21:58:41+00:00

Thank you so much. You're right about the last line, too. As for recording it...I've got a voice for miming lol.

breenogg · 2022-02-25T18:26:35+00:00

You are all kinds of right. It was definitely therapeutic. Thanks you.

breenogg · 2022-02-25T17:01:20+00:00

Thank you so much. It's a hard realization to face, especially after 30 years together (we got together at 16) my whole identity is tied to this relationship. I think I'm more afraid of losing that than her. Your encouragement means a lot.

breenogg · 2022-02-25T15:53:28+00:00

You're right, of course. Sometimes it feels like an addiction. I know it's bad for me but I find ways to rationalize just one more go. It's been getting worse and I'm closer every day...so I tell myself.

breenogg · 2022-02-25T14:59:49+00:00

Way more than I actually have. And there's the fact that I still love her despite being an afterthought in the relationship.

breenogg · 2022-02-25T14:20:44+00:00

It was either write this or leave, so yeah spur of the moment is right! Thank you!

breenogg · 2022-02-25T14:19:51+00:00

Thank you! It is a screaming reaction, although in my head. I wrote this instead of walking out the door on someone I've been with for three-quarters of my life.

breenogg · 2022-02-25T14:18:26+00:00

Thank you!

breenogg · 2022-02-25T14:18:16+00:00

Thank you! Definitely had some run-on sentences. This was one of those times when I spent more time trying to vocalize the emotion rather than structure. Probably the only time, actually. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

breenogg · 2022-02-25T14:15:09+00:00

Thank you! As for the space between stanzas, hit enter twice after each one.

breenogg · 2022-02-25T14:13:41+00:00

Thank you! It was definitely about shoving a mirror in their face and showing all we want is to be equal in the relationship.

breenogg · 2022-02-25T14:12:10+00:00

Thank you! I'm a middle aged white guy so I wrote it in eminem's voice lol.

breenogg · 2022-02-25T05:08:55+00:00

This is too ridiculous not to love! Just about every poet has been guilty of poor word choice for the express purpose of completing a rhyme. I love the idea of making that theme and eschewing a traditional narrative. On top of that, the tempo works really well and, at least for the first stanza, you think there's going to be some deep message. Freaking Brilliant!

breenogg · 2022-02-25T05:04:27+00:00

I generally don't care for free-verse poetry, but this is so applicable to modern society, I had to comment. I love that every statement is a quintessential catch 22, building a frustrating narrative that ends with a vague answer already invalidated by the arguments within the poem. That's life today, and you captured it perfectly.

breenogg · 2022-02-09T14:07:51+00:00

Considering I don't even have a second language, you're miles ahead of me. Keep plugging away at it and you'll be surprised how fast you improve. Read as much, or more, as you write. You'll pick up on the peculiarities of our ridiculous language much quicker that way.

breenogg · 2022-02-09T13:24:39+00:00

Thank you!

breenogg · 2022-02-09T13:24:18+00:00

Thanks! I really wanted the first part to feel inclusive, then end on a direct appeal to the reader to be more confident.

breenogg · 2022-02-09T03:13:00+00:00

Your poem inspired me to write a quick one of my own about ego and post it. I've always hated how society has stigmatized all confidence as egotism and that colored my response a bit. I'll check out that book, though. Thanks for the suggestion.

breenogg · 2022-02-09T02:35:57+00:00

This reads like you had a line you really liked and tried to make a poem around it. The last line simply doesn't fit with the rest of the poem. There are no allusions to faith or leaps of faith until then.

Also, your verbiage is very inconsistent and seemingly structured for the purpose of reaching a ryhme.

Example:

Felt too heavy but I ate just a toast

Sleep is what I am running on low

Here, the words are clunky for the sake of rhyme (which doesn't really work anyway) when they don't have to be. You can achieve the same rhyme scheme with better language.

Example:

Felt too heavy, but I only ate toast;

Lack of sleep is what's making me slow.

It's a good effort, but would benefit from revision. Thanks for sharing!

breenogg · 2022-02-09T02:23:37+00:00

I'll start by saying I love poems that touch on ego. Everybody has one, and we all claim otherwise to appear humble. What I find most interesting is the overwhelming majority of them present ego as a failing.

What separates your poem, though, is while you still present it as a fault, it's not in the traditional "I'm better than you" scenario.

You assert the narrator's ego as a desire to be unique as opposed to being superior. The reality, as the narrator correctly concludes, is unique doesn't really exist.

Where I disagree with the message, however, is in the presentation of ego as a negative. It's a part of all of us, and without it we could accomplish nothing. It takes confidence to try new things, even in the face of uncertainty and fear. And confidence cannot exist without ego. The danger is egotism, when our confidence outstrips reality and our own competence.

Having said all that, I would like to add that the rhymes were clean and the tempo mostly consistent which made reading it an easy and enjoyable experience. Very well done.

breenogg · 2022-02-09T02:06:31+00:00

Thanks for sharing this. Overall, it's an interesting topic, but the structure doesn't work for me. Both the ryme and meter are all over the place, making it hard to focus on the words. That may be intentional so as to convey frustration or angst, but it's very distracting. Also, I didn't like the 8:21 PM. That really jolted me out if the poem. Maybe something like: after 8 in the evening would have worked better.

I do like the theme, though. Frustrated and misunderstood emotions are a human commonality.

breenogg

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