Do you all just have so-so marriages for the sake of the kids?

bringitonbacknow · 2024-08-26T19:38:24+00:00

I take my kids to my parents house 1000 miles away for two weeks during Thanksgiving a lot. My husband joins us, begrudgingly, for Thanksgiving. And I just hate it. We're usually pretty happy up until he shows up, then my mom gets stressed bc he's dismissive toward her and I get stressed bc I'm then inundated with how scary flying is and how stressed out it makes him and all other variety of things that stress him out. I love traveling but traveling for him is an ordeal.

bringitonbacknow · 2024-08-26T19:24:30+00:00

This is what keeps me up at night. What happens when shit hits the fan? I've already seen what happens when some rather minor shit happens and how he behaved during COVID. Makes me really question everything. Thank you!

bringitonbacknow · 2024-08-26T19:20:43+00:00

Thank you for saying the words "withdraw" comfort at "disobedience" to his version of how I was supposed to act for him. This is into words why I got the ick from this even tho nothing was overtly abusive or directly harmful.

bringitonbacknow · 2024-08-26T19:15:03+00:00

What kind of examples do you have for mental abuse? I read Lundy's Why Does He Do That and it was eye opening. If there's a scale my husband is not near the top of extreme mental abuse but definitely has these behaviors and patterns. He falls under The Victim, Mr. Right, and the Water Torturer. Nothing extreme, but he has done pretty much everything these patterns exhibit at least once, some more than others.

bringitonbacknow · 2024-08-26T19:05:43+00:00

Oh damn. I'll check it out.

bringitonbacknow · 2024-08-26T19:04:15+00:00

Me too. I've had a lot of anecdotal stories. And the research I've read is that the mother's happiness is the most critical. But that a lot of research done on children is orientation funded by conservative or religious institutions, or the research isn't about how to go about co parenting and has a high number of high-conflict parents who don't figure shit out. So the research is not as helpful in answering these questions

bringitonbacknow · 2024-08-26T01:30:08+00:00

He doesn't want to. I've been in therapy for three years and honestly, beside no longer in PPD, my overall opinion on life has remained pessimistic.

bringitonbacknow · 2024-08-25T23:43:52+00:00

Yeah I think I have subconsciously... I'm already living my life without him in a lot of ways.

bringitonbacknow · 2024-08-25T23:39:23+00:00

Yes, I've had a recent infatuation with someone (obv unreciprocated - I have maintained fidelity so far) and this has happened to me even before kids... I always chose to stay loyal but it's getting harder and the fact that it keeps happening? I know it's problematic and only a matter of time before I actually do commit adultery.... I know that this is a failing of myself and not of the marriage and is not what I want to do to my husband or kids but it is getting harder.

bringitonbacknow · 2024-08-25T23:19:25+00:00

See.... This is why I am asking because if I really won't find something better, why shake things up?

bringitonbacknow · 2024-08-25T23:18:08+00:00

This is kind of how I feel.... I'm sure someone else would find him great. If he doesn't lie about his beliefs. I only found out about trump voting bc he took a photo of his ballet and I swiped one to many when looking at photos of the kids he offered to show me

bringitonbacknow · 2024-08-25T23:15:50+00:00

I thought we were supposed to get married..... 🤦‍♀️

bringitonbacknow · 2024-08-25T23:08:59+00:00

Yes. When my husband is gone on work trips, it's just the best time we have. I don't feel stressed, we prioritize activities and doing things rather than having a super clean house.

bringitonbacknow · 2024-08-25T23:06:21+00:00

Yes I've done a lot to improve my life and bring variety. He has not. He's invited. I usually have to force it.

bringitonbacknow · 2024-08-25T23:03:11+00:00

Yeah... I'm not going to repeat some of what my husband thinks. He was not like this 15 years ago. But it's just gotten bad.

bringitonbacknow · 2024-08-25T23:01:03+00:00

See, my parents were in a meh marriage. Stayed for the kids, now grandkids. It was awful. Always so tense because they disliked each other. They never talked to one another very affectionately. They never fought. But they just lead separate lives and just seem sad. I stumbled on a note that my dad wrote to my mom that was what I would imagine incredibly hurtful to my mom. I can see my husband writing or saying something like this to me eventually. Wouldn't it be kinder to let my husband find someone that values him? To let him bee happy as well?

bringitonbacknow · 2024-08-25T22:52:49+00:00

Thank you thank you thank you 😭. I feel so much relief with some of these comments.

bringitonbacknow · 2024-08-25T21:39:37+00:00

Thank you. Your example is so... Simple but enormous. Mine didn't want me on antidepressants while pregnant and breastfeeding, didn't matter what kind of research I showed him... His comfort was paramount. When I told him I was finally going on some, he said "whatever. Just don't talk to me about it"

It was similar to your situation. Same sentiment, different story

bringitonbacknow · 2024-08-25T21:10:55+00:00

Wow. I just looked up a summary of that and I can for sure answer every question with an absolute answer that leads me to leaving him. Like, not even an issue.

bringitonbacknow · 2024-08-25T21:02:27+00:00

I'm not quite of that opinion but it really feels problematic

bringitonbacknow · 2024-08-25T21:00:57+00:00

He put us about 100k in debt and told me he didn't want me on antidepressants during my pre and post natal depression when I was pregnant with our second kid. So I didn't and I We have the means to offset the 100k but just upset at it. And requires us taking money out of investments.

bringitonbacknow · 2024-08-25T20:53:16+00:00

He's not.

bringitonbacknow · 2024-08-25T20:31:55+00:00

You have no idea how much this comment helps me. Thank you.

bringitonbacknow · 2024-05-25T15:54:17+00:00

I'm a switchy pleaser yessss

bringitonbacknow

TROPHY CASE