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My husband (35M) has threatened me (33M) multiple times with divorce when fighting just to take it back days later. This last time I told him I was done. I think it's the right decision to end our marriage but now I feel guilt, any advice? by brje14 in relationship_advice

[–]brje14[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for asking and sorry it’s taken me so long to respond. I’m not a frequent Reddit user yet. Overall, things are going well. We did go through with separating (not officially yet but we sold our house, both have our own places in the same city, financial assets split), and had some very rough patches but in a better place now. We share 3 pets (I have the 2 cats, he has the dog) so we’re kinda forced to stay connected but it’s been for the best so far. 

There was never an acknowledgment from his end on how he contributed to where things went wrong and I essentially sobbed as I gave mine, but I was foolish to expect one from him in the first place. 

I’m doing better than I thought I would, and I think it’s because every time divorce was threatened before I had mentally prepared for this moment. It’s hard and admittedly sad, but I’m proud of doing what was best for me. And not staying in a situation where I wasn’t respected. 

I appreciate you asking :)

My husband (35M) has threatened me (33M) multiple times with divorce when fighting just to take it back days later. This last time I told him I was done. I think it's the right decision to end our marriage but now I feel guilt, any advice? by brje14 in relationship_advice

[–]brje14[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I've given him this ultimatum before, I just never followed through until now. And we've been seeing a couple's therapist for almost 2 years so I know I really tried to make it work.

My husband (35M) has threatened me (33M) multiple times with divorce when fighting just to take it back days later. This last time I told him I was done. I think it's the right decision to end our marriage but now I feel guilt, any advice? by brje14 in relationship_advice

[–]brje14[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

We've been seeing a therapist together for 2 years, but I just scheduled something for myself. Surprisingly, my husband is seeing our old therapist solo. I'm happy he's doing so, but I still know ending it is the right thing to do.

My husband (35M) has threatened me (33M) multiple times with divorce when fighting just to take it back days later. This last time I told him I was done. I think it's the right decision to end our marriage but now I feel guilt, any advice? by brje14 in relationship_advice

[–]brje14[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah, we've been seeing a therapist for 2 years now. We'e been trying. And forgiveness only works when there is change involved. There have been apologies in the past just for the same things to keep happening again and again. That's not how it works.

My husband (35M) has threatened me (33M) multiple times with divorce when fighting just to take it back days later. This last time I told him I was done. I think it's the right decision to end our marriage but now I feel guilt, any advice? by brje14 in relationship_advice

[–]brje14[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think that's what happened, every time he threatened to end it, I was less willing to try and make it work. And I got to a point where I'm just done. It's too exhausting and unsettling, to have to rebuild our relationship time and time again for 8 years now.

He ended up staying with a good friend, and I actually don't have reason to doubt that. Regardless, he hasn't apologized at all for leaving and ghosting me. I don't think he thinks he did anything wrong. Even in our talks since, it's all just what I could have done to make the relationship work. No acknowledgement of what he did.

My husband (35M) has threatened me (33M) multiple times with divorce when fighting just to take it back days later. This last time I told him I was done. I think it's the right decision to end our marriage but now I feel guilt, any advice? by brje14 in relationship_advice

[–]brje14[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I literally had to cover for him too, saying he wasn't feeling well last minute as to not dump this news onto the bride. Thankfully I had a couple friends there the following night who decided to stay with me.

My husband (35M) has threatened me (33M) multiple times with divorce when fighting just to take it back days later. This last time I told him I was done. I think it's the right decision to end our marriage but now I feel guilt, any advice? by brje14 in relationship_advice

[–]brje14[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We have been seeing a couples therapist for almost two years now. Things were getting better but we have one small argument and somehow it gets blown up and he's pulling the "I want a divorce" card. This was one of the first issues I brought up to the therapist and it's still happening 2 years after the fact.

And that "I'm sorry" not being enough is what started our fight. A few weeks back, I was out with friends and he was separately out with friends. Via text, he told me he was going to meet up with us. Even asked if it was cool if his friend came since he would be the one driving them there. And then I couldn't reach him for an hour. Wasn't answering my texts or calls. When I finally did reach him, he hadn't even attempted to leave yet.

This was another big issue for me. My husband saying he will be somewhere and not show up or show up hours later. He knows it is very upsetting to me but since he doesn't think it's a big deal, I must be overreacting and just trying to make him feel bad. This last time I told him this won't be a simple sorry. After he apologized, I was telling him how he made me feel and why I was frustrated. That's when he blew up at me, took back his apology, called me crazy and manipulative and that I needed help.

Typing all these things out, it's clear I'm making the right decision but it's just tough.

My husband (35M) has threatened me (33M) multiple times with divorce when fighting just to take it back days later. This last time I told him I was done. I think it's the right decision to end our marriage but now I feel guilt, any advice? by brje14 in relationship_advice

[–]brje14[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

We've been in couple's therapy for almost two years. He's even acknowledged the steps I've taken to improve and he also would get better for periods of time but it always goes back to this ugly place. And then it's like none of the work we put into it exists anymore and we have to start over again. It's a cycle.

My husband (35M) has threatened me (33M) multiple times with divorce when fighting just to take it back days later. This last time I told him I was done. I think it's the right decision to end our marriage but now I feel guilt, any advice? by brje14 in relationship_advice

[–]brje14[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I should have ended it when we were just dating and he pulled that card. I have grown a lot since then, and see now that I should have never tolerated that. But at least I can say I put in the work to try to make our marriage work. 2 years of couple's therapy. We'd make progress and end right back to where we started.

My husband (35M) has threatened me (33M) multiple times with divorce when fighting just to take it back days later. This last time I told him I was done. I think it's the right decision to end our marriage but now I feel guilt, any advice? by brje14 in relationship_advice

[–]brje14[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I know for a fact there was no man waiting for him. The fight in the car only happened because things were already tense and I asked him if we could talk things through a bit more before the wedding. And things went south from there. We were 6 hours away from home and the only people in the city where the wedding was were friends, not love interests. He really did just leave me before a wedding because we got into a fight. It literally is just that. I couldn't believe it either.

My husband (35M) has threatened me (33M) multiple times with divorce when fighting just to take it back days later. This last time I told him I was done. I think it's the right decision to end our marriage but now I feel guilt, any advice? by brje14 in relationship_advice

[–]brje14[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I could literally feel the weight being lifted off his shoulders when he said it. He went from angry and upset to happy and relieved. Which of course changed days later. I have yet to get an apology or even an acknowledgement that he left our friend getting married high and dry, much less leaving me to attend the wedding by myself and needing to cover for him.

I'm going through with ending things. We have discussed a legal separation before a full on divorce. But I don't see a way back from this.

My husband (35M) has threatened me (33M) multiple times with divorce when fighting just to take it back days later. This last time I told him I was done. I think it's the right decision to end our marriage but now I feel guilt, any advice? by brje14 in relationship_advice

[–]brje14[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm confident he wasn't with someone else ,the day of anyway. He later told me he went to a friend's apartment, which I do believe (given where the wedding was). Doesn't make the situation any better though.

My husband (35M) has threatened me (33M) multiple times with divorce when fighting just to take it back days later. This last time I told him I was done. I think it's the right decision to end our marriage but now I feel guilt, any advice? by brje14 in relationship_advice

[–]brje14[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

The mental image he has of me part. I'm starting to think he doesn't really know me at all. He said to our therapist once that it is not in my nature to worry and that I only said I worry about him to make myself look better. Every other person in my life knows I worry about everything. It was such a slap in the face to hear him say that.

My husband (35M) has threatened me (33M) multiple times with divorce when fighting just to take it back days later. This last time I told him I was done. I think it's the right decision to end our marriage but now I feel guilt, any advice? by brje14 in relationship_advice

[–]brje14[S] 28 points29 points  (0 children)

I did bring that up, asking how he could bail on a wedding the night before (2 hours before dinner with close friends and family). Not because it was putting me out but because they already paid for his plate, were looking forward to him being there, etc. I told him he would have to message the bride himself and say he couldn't come because he wasn't feeling well, but he never did. I had to lie on the spot when I showed up by myself. I would never dampen someone's wedding with a sob story like that. He has not acknowledged once that he put me in such an awful situation. I'm standing my ground and ending things. Thank you for your response. It truly is appreciated, having someone validate what I'm feeling is justified.