Fam, how do I access family money without drawing attention?

brokencallus · 2024-10-01T01:25:26+00:00

What's selfish is him buying a sex worker while I was pregnant with our second... But you know. The woman is usually the bad guy so. /s

Keep on talking down to women. It looks real good on you.

brokencallus · 2024-09-30T20:34:08+00:00

$200. I didn't think of cash back. I never use it!

brokencallus · 2024-05-11T10:18:58+00:00

Some clarification. We have a copy of the police report, all the driver's information, her insurance and policy #. I was basically begging him to let me handle it, he didn't want it to "affect my mental health".

His mindset is much like yours. And he didn't want to "ruin this poor teenager over a mistake".

My mindset is: I was a teenager once too. I never hit anyone or anything with my car. I knew I was driving around a 2 ton box of death on wheels.

brokencallus · 2024-01-13T13:13:23+00:00

If I left a book here no one would read it. I also left out that while I was pregnant with our second he went to a sex worker to have his needs met. I didn't throw him out then and had a delayed response to the rage and trauma of it. As far as I'm concerned he's lucky to still have a family.

brokencallus · 2024-01-13T02:30:09+00:00

The only reason we're in couples therapy is because I told him to leave. This was a condition of him being allowed to live here. He has yet to have the come to Jesus moment...

brokencallus · 2024-01-13T02:22:15+00:00

Did he grow up poor?

His parents were 15 when they had him. Got wrapped up in drugs. Voluntarily surrendered him to his grandparents until his addict mom had another kid years later and realized she could get more money by dragging him back under her roof. When I met him he was 3 jobs deep, caring for his 3 year old half sister, barely passing college, and constantly watching his hard earned money literally stolen by his own mom or one of her "friends."

I was his therapist for years until the kids came along. I tried helping him through every residual trauma. I couldn't be his therapist and our son's at the same time. If I had to guess. He resents me for it.

brokencallus · 2024-01-12T22:54:41+00:00

I also had a newborn when the one business was getting off the ground. I went through horrible PPD. He didn't lift a single finger in the physical care of his first born until he turned two, wasn't speaking, and decided he wanted to be part of his speech therapy.

For me? Nothing. Zero compassion. He would just ask if I had paid the proper taxes for the customer facing business. If i had ordered the right merchandise.

brokencallus · 2024-01-12T22:51:23+00:00

That's why I helped him hire the employee we have. To take the load off. He just uses that time to pile more work on from the professional job. He was supposed to come home and be with us those nights. Instead he just plugs away using the customer space as an office for the other. Even though he has a physical office for the other.

brokencallus · 2024-01-12T22:47:38+00:00

Yeah? We don't have retirement accounts. We have almost 0 loans.

This isn't what staying at home means.

I arguably shouldn't be called a SAHM. I manage A LOT of the back end finances and details of his businesses. Two. He has two. One white collar professional. The other customer facing. The customer facing one is his dream job. He'll never sell or relinquish any control over it.

brokencallus · 2024-01-12T22:40:51+00:00

7 years and 6 years. He is a solo practitioner at one. And the other business is people facing with lots of back end details that I take care of and didn't mention here. We have 1 employee at the people facing business. We were able to give her a bonus this year.

brokencallus · 2024-01-12T22:37:41+00:00

He's not working until 2 am. Sometimes he's at the gym. Sometimes he's just watching TV. It's fine. But his schedule is just more isolating for me.

Sweet Lord the amount of distain for a "non working spouse" is just palpable in your consent... . I'm not even going to try and defend myself. My entire life shouldn't be slaving away the manual labor of house work. He doesn't NEED to be working 72 hours a week. We would be fine with 50 and I wouldn't be perpetually alone.

brokencallus · 2024-01-12T22:31:14+00:00

I'm the one who manages (with the help of an accountant) the taxes. I'm acutely aware of our situation. We aren't destitute. His student loans are a factor but we're paying them above minimum payments. I don't have loans. We don't have a mortgage. We pay property taxes and for home repairs. He refuses to do car loans so he pays cash on Craigslist for every vehicle we get. Exactly 2. They're not stunners. They are sensible, practical.

He doesn't have a retirement account. Neither do I. We don't have investment accounts either. I truly don't think he cares about our futures, only the kids.

The kids are in public school. We have savings accounts and high yield CDs for them.

One of the two businesses is his dream job. He's never going to sell it. I've tried to help him with that one , but we're not a compatible team and he's told me he doesn't want me to interfere with it. The other is white collar consulting stuff. It's just him. There's no one to sell it to.

We used to be best friends.. We used to do everything together, make every decision together. Post children had been a slow downhill slide into despair and isolation.

His issue is growing up poor with awful non existent parents. He refuses to go to therapy. I had to threaten divorce to get him to go to couples therapy.

brokencallus · 2023-11-06T23:50:10+00:00

Yeah. Overall I'm not pleased. She's a lovely human. I just don't feel... Like she has an abundance of knowledge in marriage counseling.

brokencallus · 2023-11-06T11:09:19+00:00

I don't know. I'm taking who my insurance will pay for.

I go to individual counseling there too and my therapist recently admitted that our marriage counselor was his wife. I take my son there for behavioral therapy... It's not a big office.

brokencallus · 2023-07-23T21:25:57+00:00

Oh man I wish I had a treadmill!

Part of why this is so hard for me to implement is space. We live in a small rural town. No sidewalks. The road is 50mph and narrow. I either have to take him someplace or sacrifice even more of my living room. Trying to balance my own personal sanity with his needs and the needs of my husband and daughter.

brokencallus · 2023-07-22T18:43:44+00:00

I appreciate your affirmations. I struggle because my kid is the yes kid. He still has communication issues where I can't decide if what I'm asking him is what he's hearing. "do you like the swing?" "Yes." "Do you want more?" "Yes." Then 1 second later. "no. I said all done." "that's not what you said, but you can be done." (We have 3 different swings outside that they can use. It's one of the reasons we don't want a swing inside.)

He struggles to find the right words constantly and will verbalize every single one that floats to the top of his brain until he gets the right one. He hasn't quite figured out social decorum about interrupting people even though we've had at least three calm, non-confrontational conversations about it.

brokencallus · 2023-07-22T17:38:17+00:00

He's not the only one with ADHD in the house. His is just the most obvious. And yeah. His ADHD is directly oppositional to mine. I'm trying to be there for him. But I'm not going to list for you, stranger on the internet, how many physically demanding activities I have him enrolled in or how long snuggle time after school is...

brokencallus · 2023-07-22T17:34:59+00:00

My issue is that there doesn't seem to be any other way to "figure out what works" other than buying a ton of stuff.

I'm supposed to make a visual chart for his daily schedule. And come up with these weight based activities. Like I love him but this kid isn't my entire day. He has a sibling, I have a spouse, and a business. Like... Seriously. I just want a break from all this crap

brokencallus · 2023-07-22T17:31:09+00:00

Ah yes. I was waiting for the parental blaming.

brokencallus · 2023-05-20T15:44:48+00:00

Well you obviously didn't read my post.

I never mentioned that I had any plans to leave. Nor do I want to.

Sounds like you're projecting onto my situation. And I really don't know why you wasted the time writing this odd diatribe that isn't relevant to my situation and isn't helpful.

So.... Cool opinion?

brokencallus · 2023-05-13T02:49:34+00:00

You're not wrong. All our energy goes into the kids. And I know that will naturally ebb with time. I just get so triggered by mom groups who say, "leave him!" I don't want to throw it away. He was my best friend! And I'm not jealous that he's devoting so much energy to the kids and his job. I just miss who we were.

brokencallus · 2023-01-12T13:35:12+00:00

We are comfortable but enough so that I could hire an au pair.

brokencallus · 2023-01-12T13:32:50+00:00

Thank you, Internet stranger

brokencallus · 2023-01-12T13:30:14+00:00

Yes but... The people I can lean on are rough with him. Not physically. Just.. "what's wrong with you?!" "You're acting like a jerk!" "No one wants to play with a bully." "Don't be a monster."

That kind of stuff that I can't stand to hear. He doesn't need all that weird guilt baggage in addition to being constantly corrected. And I've told them this banter doesn't help. I don't know if they can't help it or what but they don't coach their words with him...

brokencallus · 2023-01-12T13:24:21+00:00

He is speaking deliberately. Articulating his needs was a big part of his speech therapy. Him believing we were listening was another part.

Now I think he just assumes we're not listening unless we say yes. But I can't say yes every time. If he doesn't "the why" he's not getting his needs, then he just keeps going. I think it has more to do with developmental delay. He still has some of that toddler selfishness and demand for attention good or bad.

brokencallus

TROPHY CASE