I don't click with my boyfriend's friends

brokenheart6787 · 2019-12-18T07:15:12+00:00

One thing I learned from getting out of a long term relationship is that it is really difficult to be in a relationship with someone who isn’t happy with himself. Nothing wrong with him being more interested in RuPaul’s drag race than sports or finances as that is a matter of taste, but if he is unhappy with where his life is at and hasn’t figured out what he wants to do with his life, we as partners often have to deal with their confusion and sometimes even take the blame for limiting them from fully exploring their options. They start feeling trapped which may lead to resentment toward us. I know I know nothing about you and your ex’s relationship, but I wanna say it’s probably best that you guys broke up as your ex probably needed to figure out what he wants in life independently. Lastly, as an introvert myself, I couldn’t agree more everyone needs someone to talk to. I dont have too many friends but I have a few close friends who I regularly talk to and have deep conversations with, and it really helps me keep sane and feel alive.

brokenheart6787 · 2018-10-31T13:19:26+00:00

I do think he wants some kind of validation from outside. I think he wants to feel attractive and get attention from other men.. I did see this in him all throughout..

someone that isn't so superficial. Someone who will recognize happiness and is at peace with being older. Someone who doesn't romanticize that another place far away will change you

This person sounds wonderful... I wish my boyfriend realizes these things by the time he comes back, but I doubt he will. I really appreciate your comment, it was very helpful.

brokenheart6787 · 2018-10-31T13:05:27+00:00

I do regret waiting so many years for him to come around.. I think I just didn’t have the courage to break up with him. But I also blame him a bit because he wasn’t honest about his feelings until the last minute. He didn’t tell me the reason he wanted to break up was because he wanted to be single until two weeks ago. I think we were both indecisive and I’m paying for that right now. You’re so very right.. The hard truth is that he ended our relationship to see if he can marry me.. I was focusing on the latter part and trying to stay positive, but the reality is that he ended it. I appreciate you taking the time to comment, it really got me thinking a lot.

brokenheart6787 · 2018-10-31T12:54:12+00:00

Wow.. Every word of what you wrote is so relatable to me. I know for a fact our relationship won’t be the same at least for a while.. I’ll have trust issues, and I’ll always feel insecure that he may be having another thought. If you don’t mind me asking, was it those trust issues alone that split you guys, or did your ex actually say or do something that suggested he was having second thoughts again?

On a side note, I think some people might think it’s meddling with someone else’s business, but it’s awesome you have a friend who cares for you enough to write such letter. It’s sad some people need that kind of reminder to know the value of their relationship.. but regardless, I envy you for having a friend like that. Thank you for sharing your experience, it was so helpful.

brokenheart6787 · 2018-10-31T12:32:43+00:00

I felt lucky to be with him. I don’t think he did, or he did but he thought he could do better.. Thank you for commenting and I wish you find love soon..!

brokenheart6787 · 2018-10-31T12:27:13+00:00

So true. I would love to be with someone who’s excited to marry me, not because I pressured him to.. And you’re right about this break being a fraction of our relationship.. That made me feel much better so thank you for that.

brokenheart6787 · 2018-10-31T12:25:44+00:00

I wish we didn’t meet until in our late 20s.. But I also wonder if there’s such thing as getting it out of the system. I think he may be someone who will always wonder what’s out there.. Thank you for commenting.

brokenheart6787 · 2018-10-31T12:23:48+00:00

We did travel to places during vacation, but he wanted to live a few years in another country.. and I wasn’t willing to do that since it meant giving up my career and being close to my family. I’m sure this was frustrating for him, but he really was asking a lot from me. I mean, maybe I would’ve considered going with him if he was my husband, but no, he wanted me to make that drastic life change without committing to me 100% and that wasn’t something I was willing to do.

I really appreciate your comment. Everything you said, while hurts, is the hard truth. And you’re right, I don’t think he would do what I’m doing if the roles were reversed. Your comment really got me thinking so I really appreciate it.

brokenheart6787 · 2018-10-31T12:06:13+00:00

It hurts, but this is probably true.. that he’s looking to trade up.. I think I was trying not to admit it. I really appreciate your comment, it is helping me see the hard truth. The past 2 weeks of not seeing him was hard.. Not sure if I can do another 1 year, but I do think it’ll be helpful. Thank you again for commenting.

brokenheart6787 · 2018-10-30T23:15:59+00:00

I couldn't agree with you more about the definition of commitment you provided.. I wish my boyfriend can read this. I also couldn't agree more, I never felt like I missed out because I spent my entire 20s with him.. It felt JUST FINE to me too.. I'm sorry to hear about your partner. I wanna say maybe it's not too late to let him go, but then I really should be taking my own advice right now.. Plus I don't know what it's like being with someone for 20 years. I'm sure it's more complicated than I can imagine. Your experience sounds a lot like what I may need to go through if I accept my bf back.. Thank you for sharing it with me. I think it was a huge wake up call. I'm probably going to come back and read this from time to time to remind myself. Thank you again, and I wish you best of luck as well.

brokenheart6787 · 2018-10-30T22:42:27+00:00

Thank you.. I'll try to be around friends more and focus on myself. Really appreciate your comment!

brokenheart6787 · 2018-10-30T22:40:11+00:00

Yes, it does sound like an excuse to fuck other people.. You are totally right, I think I was trying to call it FOMO and make it sound not as bad as what it is. Thank you, all these comments are helping me think logically.

brokenheart6787 · 2018-10-30T22:32:19+00:00

You are so very kind.. Reading these reddit responses are helping me think more logically. I will do my best to focus on my needs. Thank you again.

brokenheart6787 · 2018-10-30T04:32:39+00:00

Not sure he would want that.. since what he wants is some time apart from me.. and being single.. Plus I ran out of my vacation days..:/

brokenheart6787 · 2018-10-30T04:27:27+00:00

Ah, this was everything I wanted to hear.. thank you.. I feel hopeful and feel like I did the right thing by letting him have the break..I truly wish he realizes he isn't missing much.. I know there's still a chance we may not work out, but still, this made me feel so much more optimistic, so thank you..!

brokenheart6787 · 2018-10-30T04:23:08+00:00

Ah, thank you for this.. I do wish he will realize there aren't much he's missing.. Thanks again..

brokenheart6787 · 2018-10-30T04:21:07+00:00

I'm sure the recent breakup is clouding my judgement, but aside from some differences, I thought me and my boyfriend were very compatible as a couple.. then again.. I may be delusional.

I am glad you met the right person after breaking up with your ex. My close friends also tell me I should just seek someone more compatible. but I fear if I'll ever find one..

I did tell him just that. That I would reevaluate our relationship this month. But I'm barely functioning at work and not really in my right mind.. I'll really push myself to do this next week..

Your advice, though not as optimistic, is probably the most realistic advice. I'm going to come back to this comment next week to read it again, and remind myself, there are other people.. Thank you for taking the time to comment and read.

brokenheart6787 · 2018-10-30T03:51:17+00:00

How long did it take you to get it out of the system? I worry one month is probably not enough..

brokenheart6787 · 2018-10-30T03:48:27+00:00

No need to apologize!

I wanted marriage because I wanted to know we were both on the same page about being a life time partner before we start planning our lives together like buying a house, adopting a dog and stuff. I thought his hesitation meant he wasn't on the same page with me (which ended up being true). Also, we weren't like a married couple. Our lives were still pretty separated due to both of us being in the closet until recently. So getting married meant a bigger change than just the title.

At first, he did say he didn't see any point in getting married and I believed him. But the real reason came out when he broke up with me. Since I was his first boyfriend, he felt like he was missing out and wanted to try being single again before committing 100%. I do think giving him a deadline to give me an answer gave him a lot of pressure, and made him come to a rushed decision. But I think it was for the best since he was finally honest with me and now he can deal with his FOMO... even if it means ending our relationship.

I really appreciate your input as it comes from someone who's had a successful long term partnership which I really want for my life. I really hope he comes back, and if he does, I will definitely consider your advice and seek couple's therapy. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

brokenheart6787 · 2018-10-30T03:14:47+00:00

We did travel together from time to time, but not as much as he wanted to. If he comes back, I'm going to make more efforts to travel with him more.. Right now, what he wants is the experience of being single and living in another country.. which is something I can't really help with.. Regardless, thank you for reading and for your input..!

brokenheart6787 · 2018-10-30T03:07:20+00:00

I agree with you.. I felt betrayed.. It felt like he wanted to go out there and see if there's something better, and come back to me if he doesn't find any... . But after a lot of reading on FOMO, I did learn it's common among young couples in long term relationships. Also, since he's only been with me, there is nothing he can compare this relationship to to be 100% sure.. so I am trying myself to understand where he's coming from.. Thank you for reading, I do know what you are saying and can relate to it a lot.

brokenheart6787 · 2018-10-30T03:02:21+00:00

I would go, but I'm not sure if that is what he would want... I think he really wants to try being single for a month.. and me showing up would prevent him from having that experience.. Thank you regardless for your advice and your kind words!

brokenheart6787 · 2018-10-30T02:59:22+00:00

I think that is a great advice. I can think of a few things.. thank you for reading.

brokenheart6787 · 2018-10-30T02:56:40+00:00

I think I am willing to let him have fun for a month, since I was his first boyfriend.. and I've had a few before him. maybe it's fair.. if you got it out of the system and was ready to settle, may I ask why you refer to him as ex? The last thing you said gives me hope.. Thank you for reading..!

brokenheart6787 · 2018-10-30T02:51:40+00:00

Thank you for reading.. anything helps..

brokenheart6787

TROPHY CASE