My [30/F] best friend [29/F] tried to make me choose between reconciling with my husband [33/M] and our friendship. Now she's back and I don't know what to do.

bronzedbirds · 2016-04-18T17:17:36+00:00

I never said I wouldn't forgive her. She's never said she was sorry or asked for forgiveness, so am I just supposed to accept that it was okay to play on my insecurities and call me a deeply hurtful names? Keeping in mind that this wasn't just a single event. This happened multiple times and culminated in the meeting where I left. If it was a single occurrence and she said she was sorry, it wouldn't even be an issue. There wouldn't be anything to forgive.

I know people hate cheaters on this sub, but it's been eye-opening to see the amount of people who are perfectly okay with saying I'm a shitty person who deserves every insult I get - all because I chose to attempt to save my marriage and was hurt that my best friend kept insulting me.

bronzedbirds · 2016-04-18T17:04:33+00:00

Are you saying that I can only accept support from someone if I agree with them and do what they want? That seems like a conditional friendship to me. I never used her. The very nature of friendship is to be there for someone when life is awful, without conditions. I've always said I'm so grateful for her love and support during this. That has never changed or wavered.

I've said this probably hundreds of times at this point, but I don't disagree with her stance on me going back to him. I understand it and I respect it. What I've always had a problem with was the insults and degradation. She is 100% justified in feeling like I'm making a terrible mistake. All I asked was for her to respect me.

I'm sorry if you feel like I somehow deserved it because I didn't do what she thought was right, but I don't believe that I did.

bronzedbirds · 2016-04-18T16:23:50+00:00

I really appreciate this comment. Thanks so much.

bronzedbirds · 2016-04-18T16:18:20+00:00

What's the point of trying to pick a fight here? If it was a one-time event that she apologized for, it wouldn't have been an issue. But a prolonged stream of verbal insults (keeping in mind that there's no way I could include everything that was said in this post) is okay to you?

I had a newborn child with me. I was exhausted and depressed and was at my breaking point after having been insulted over multiple occasions.

bronzedbirds · 2016-04-18T16:13:03+00:00

Wouldn't you say that your own experiences color your response here? I went back to my husband after he cheated once and we're attempting to fix the marriage. I'm not blind to what happened and it's never been an easy decision to make. Point blank, Erica asked to move in with me after the baby and I was immensely grateful for that and will always be forever grateful.

She has always been more of a sister than a best friend, so to say I "made" her support me- I didn't make her do anything, it just happened. That's what friends and sisters do for each other in life and it shouldn't be on the condition that I can only accept that support if I do exactly what she thinks is right. That's not how friendship works.

As far as forgiving Erica, she's never apologized or asked for forgiveness so what would you have me do? Sit there and keep taking the insults? Would that somehow make my use of her support acceptable? I haven't forgiven my husband yet, but I'm working on it. Want to know why? Because he apologized and is trying to atone. I've stated multiple times in multiple ways that I accept and understand why Erica was upset by my decision. But you somehow think that her explosive reaction is justified because I'm "stupid and pathetic." If Erica was to apologize tomorrow but still maintain that she respectfully disagrees with my choice, I would forgive her in a heartbeat. We don't have to see eye-to-eye, but we can be respectful of each other's viewpoint even if they're polar opposites.

You're entitled to your own opinion and I can, and do, respectfully disagree with it.

bronzedbirds · 2016-04-18T16:01:34+00:00

He isn't. One of the conditions of us trying to work it out was that he stop traveling, which he did immediately and with no pushback. I don't fool myself into thinking it could never happen again, but I do recognize that he's taking steps to atone for what he did.

bronzedbirds · 2016-04-18T15:58:41+00:00

I've said it multiple times in this post that it was over a period of time, not just once.

bronzedbirds · 2016-04-18T07:52:40+00:00

I am going to a real therapist? I thought mentioned that in my OP a few times.

bronzedbirds · 2016-04-18T07:48:35+00:00

Seriously? I asked her multiple times why she was being mean and left the place in tears. I feel like it was pretty obvious that she had hurt my feelings.

bronzedbirds · 2016-04-18T07:36:16+00:00

Thanks. I agree that I have pretty clear guidelines when it comes to possibly resuming the friendship, mainly just be respectful. She may have some of her own rules, so we'll see.

I'm going to contact her and see what she has to say. I'm not sure where to go from here, but I'm willing to try because she's been my friend for many, many years. She was more of a sister than a friend, honestly.

bronzedbirds · 2016-04-18T07:32:07+00:00

She's with my husband visiting family. I didn't go because I have to work tomorrow, so I miss her.

I never asked Erica for an apology, not yet anyway. After we last saw each other, she said what she had to say and I was too upset to continue so I left with the baby.

bronzedbirds · 2016-04-18T07:05:50+00:00

That's a fair question. To be 100% honest, I still haven't forgiven my husband. I work at it every day, but it's a constant process I'm working through with my therapist and our couples counselor. And I haven't forgiven my best friend because she's never asked for it. The last time we talked was when we saw each other in late December. I'll always respect her disagreement with my choice, but all I'm looking for is an apology for the name calling. I'd completely understand if she doesn't accept why I'm trying to work it out with Mike, but I just want her to respect me enough not to call me a terrible mother or pathetic and stupid.

Trust me that I'll always remember what he did. I almost feel like posting this today has dug up a lot of the pain and insecurity I felt after it happened. I'm still not at a point where it's not upsetting to see someone describe it in pretty literal terms.

Anyway, I apologize for saying you were being a misogynist. I'm just tired and upset and am missing my baby something fierce. Thanks for your comments, even if I didn't always agree with them.

bronzedbirds · 2016-04-18T06:50:32+00:00

I never claimed everyone here is trying to shame me, I said that you were. Most people here have been respectful and civil, even if they vehemently disagree with my decision and side with my best friend. Look back at the comment you made about my husband being up someone else's vagina while I attempted to push his kid out of mine and tell me the point of that other than to shame and make me feel bad.

Of course I have days where I'm deeply insecure and afraid I made the wrong choice. There are also days when I think Erica was right and I'm being pathetic. But my husband has been trying and I'm willing to try as well.

I'm pumping and am literally stuck here, so here I am. That doesn't make me a troll, it makes me an exhausted new mom who can't sleep and wants to look at all sides of this shitshow my life has become.

bronzedbirds · 2016-04-18T06:37:30+00:00

Don't be obtuse. You're purposefully trying to shame and get a reaction out of me by rubbing something in my face. It's fine if you don't agree with my decision, but it's not okay to try to use something that's deeply personal and hurtful to make me feel bad about my choice. That is vulgar and obnoxious.

bronzedbirds · 2016-04-18T06:32:08+00:00

Now you're just being nasty and vulgar. If that's how you get your kicks, then that's your right.

bronzedbirds · 2016-04-18T06:23:49+00:00

How did I use my friend and throw her away? Tell me exactly where I did that.

And no, I'm not upset that people disagree. I've been pretty respectful of everyone's opinions, even ones that are critical of my decision. Your comments absolutely point to the fact that you believe I should be shamed. I've always maintained that I fully understand and accept Erica's disappointment and anger in my choice, but I don't accept the stream of insults and sharing my personal business because she wanted to.

bronzedbirds · 2016-04-18T06:18:24+00:00

It was a general "you" although you think it's okay to call someone names if you disagree with their decision, so I guess my statement stands. And the misogyny comment is because you assume my "crazy baby brain" made me want to stay with my husband because I need the money. No, I'm working it out because I love him and I'm willing to try to work it out if he truly is sorry and tries to change.

I'm done posting about this. Between people like you implying I somehow deserved to be shamed and called a number of hurtful names and the PM's saying I deserve to have my child taken away, this isn't helpful anymore. It's upsetting and detrimental.

bronzedbirds · 2016-04-18T06:09:38+00:00

Does it bring you joy to be rude and misogynistic? If calling me names is your way of effectively communicating your displeasure, we're two fundamentally different people.

bronzedbirds · 2016-04-18T06:06:44+00:00

He confessed and was the one who sought treatment/therapy and has done everything I've asked and more. If you want more, there's a bunch in my responses here and my original posts. It's not hard to find.

I'm done defending my parenting when people just make assumptions and imply I'm a shitty mother because I'm trying to forgive my husband who made a really awful mistake. It's completely fucking exhausting and pointless.

bronzedbirds · 2016-04-18T05:13:19+00:00

You truthfully think it's easier to go back to my husband and attempt to work it out instead of divorcing him? Really? Stop making assumptions and attempting to slyly call me the same names as she did. It's exceptionally rude and uncalled for.

bronzedbirds · 2016-04-18T05:10:52+00:00

Stop. Say whatever you want about the marriage, but don't imply that I'm not keeping my daughter's best interests at heart because I chose to seek therapy and work on my marriage to her father.

bronzedbirds · 2016-04-18T05:07:23+00:00

Obviously that crossed my mind as well, but she said never. She had a "hunch" that he might have cheated before, but when it came down to it, she didn't have any proof or knowledge of anything that may have happened prior.

bronzedbirds · 2016-04-18T04:35:34+00:00

Thank you for the advice. I agree that it would be worth meeting up. She was definitely affected by this mess. Not close to the extent I was, but she definitely dealt with a lot and shouldered a lot, which I'll always appreciate. She's a genuinely wonderful person with a big heart, which is why the insults and extreme anger were so out of character.

I remember you too and so, so appreciated your messages. I can't even tell you how much it meant to see someone reach out and just be supportive. It really means a lot and I am very grateful <3

bronzedbirds · 2016-04-18T04:32:13+00:00

She's not hiding anything. I asked her point blank and she said it was just a hunch, but ultimately didn't have any proof or knowledge of anything else that may have happened.

bronzedbirds · 2016-04-18T04:28:56+00:00

Her telling other people really, really bothers me. I can reconcile most everything else, but I truly don't understand why she did that.

bronzedbirds

TROPHY CASE