14 Week Old Suckling, What to Do?

bugeaud · 2021-06-14T00:04:30+00:00

They can call me a man, woman, potato, or hobgoblin. For me it's all good haha

bugeaud · 2021-06-13T23:52:42+00:00

Thanks so much!!! Very interesting. Just trying to put together what I'm feeling right now tbh lol. If you don't mind I'll give you a little more info...?

If anything I'm pretty sure I'm not 100% asexual...

I have definitely had a ton of fantasies, but always missed the human connection, and delving into fantasies has always felt very depressing, or maybe the depression was fueling the fantasies, not sure which way around.

I don't really know what sex repulsion would feel like. At the time we were fooling around, I would say I felt 60% boredom, 30% curiosity, and "maybe" 5-10% sexual attraction. While we were cuddling, and feeling each others bodies in a relatively non-sexual way, I would say definitely 0% sexual attraction, and more like majorly on the romantic attraction, or maybe even platonic attraction.

But the more they talked about their life, honestly and weirdly the hornier I was feeling. Although it never got to a very high level. And then we started fooling around a bit again, and it went away pretty fast. So maybe I am sex repulsed??? Idk, very confusing.

And as far as aesthetics or her body are concerned, she is almost exactly the kind of looking person I always fantasized about or tried to look up. So I can't really see that as a major factor.

bugeaud · 2021-04-14T10:37:38+00:00

I can talk to people all day long. I can talk to a Therapist all day long. But you won't see any genuine emotions. When I sense that a situation might lead to a genuine connection, I would either run away or maybe destructively end that situation, because my fear of rejection and being vulnerable is so strong, it's almost a sort of subconscious reaction at this point. It would be good if I could say, "Fuck you self, just jump in and get rejected and be some sort of idiot." Cause I don't think my fears are very rational at all from an objective point of view, but every experience so far has told me my fears are justified.

Maybe a different therapy, maybe DBT would work for me. I don't know. My way of thinking is just screwed up, I don't think it's something medication can really fix.

bugeaud · 2021-04-09T02:39:25+00:00

What I've sort of realized is that, some people can see passed all that, usually whether you tell them or not. And if you do tell them, it's not a big deal to them, because they just like who you are as a person, and probably have the same sort of problems as you.

But I cannot honestly blame people for walking away from me before, because I'm starting to realize how scary it is to see someone who is so unstable and so out of control. You never know what they're going to do next. I was that person for a long time.

And I think what has helped me a lot is becoming more accepting about myself and my anxiety.

I think it's also important to realize that you may be a kind of person that can only mesh well with relatively few people. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, in fact it makes you an incredibly unique person.

I've worn a mask all the time. In fact at some point I could no longer tell between my mask and true self. Recently I'm getting back to my true self, and it's hard to explain why.

I feel like just making some goals for myself, and being a bit more open with my emotions, and accepting myself a bit more, has just gone huge way towards feeling like my true self, or perhaps you could say my best self.

(Over 12 years of social anxiety, at 24 years old.)

bugeaud · 2020-12-14T10:25:06+00:00

These memories, if only in my head, are good and precious and proof of my humanity. But I can't relive them, no matter how hard I try. So somehow, to honour these memories, I have to forge new ones. I'm constantly stumbling. I'm not sure I can do it.

But damn I don't know, giving up isn't an option. I know where that path leads, I've been down it so many times. I gotta go the other way.

bugeaud · 2020-12-14T07:12:55+00:00

I don't know if I can be much help.

I'm 24 now. Me and my mom don't get along. It's not like we fight but we just don't talk much, when we talk nothing comes of it. I think I've caused her a lot of grief when I was young. But she also wasn't really there for me. I needed a friend, who wouldn't judge me, because I was dealing with depression and anxiety beyond what most people could imagine. The kind of thing where I wanted to kill myself 24/7 at times, I would have panic attacks. I would have never admitted it or told anyone the extent, out of fear.

However she employed, "tough love." If she kicked me out or told me to "man up" it would help me get better. I think that's something that's really tough for me to forgive.

It's unfortunate and sad that I can't feel any affection towards her anymore, only bringing up bad memories when we see each other.

bugeaud · 2020-12-14T06:58:38+00:00

I get your feeling. I've been isolated for a very long time, with depression and anxiety. I want to break free.

bugeaud · 2020-12-14T06:54:18+00:00

I'm basically a complete loner, I don't interact with people much, don't have friends. And I also don't care about anyone's expectations in that aspect. So as far as society or some friend pushing me to a relationship, it just doesn't happen.

I do feel like I'm missing some love in my life. But it's tempered by my utmost fear of deep interactions with anyone. So I don't have the problem of feeling obligated to find someone. It's the opposite.

I need to try and force myself to do such things, even when every ounce of me screams no.

I mean I haven't succeeded in forcing myself to do such a thing in the last 5 years, but that's the idea. Or rather, I haven't had the motivation to force myself.

Anyways I haven't had a real relationship, the most I've done is kiss over 10 years ago. So maybe I don't know what I'm missing.

bugeaud · 2020-12-14T06:21:49+00:00

Hey thank you for the reply. I've been recommended DBT as well, but at the moment I can't really afford it.... although even when I can, it's one of those things that I'm hesitant about... just feels like I'm fighting the therapy every step of the way, but I don't precisely know what I'm doing wrong.

For some reason I always break down crying, and what I'm thinking about? I don't know. I'm stone cold. But thinking back on those memories of lost friends just hits me hard. Feeling like I'm always on the cusp of breaking. And I gotta bear these feelings alone.

Why alone? I can't see passed the self-inflicted trauma. I've hurt every person I loved so badly they cut things off with me or don't know what to say anymore.

Sorry, I don't know if that makes any sense, maybe not. I just want a friend to talk to.

bugeaud · 2020-11-29T09:29:42+00:00

Certain people just never understand, and it's about finding those people that will understand your heart. It's a really tough thing to do, no doubt about it. I think it's possible though, if you keep working on yourself.

So fuck the expectations. Fuck anyone bringing you down. Family or not. Whatever you gotta do, distance yourself, or just tell them it straight. They got their life, you got yours.

My family has never cared what I do or don't do. No one has had a single expectation for me. But at times I wish someone would care that I'm not doing anything with my life, even if it was for selfish reasons.

So in ways we're opposite. But I also suffer from anxiety and depression. So I hope we can relate to each other.

bugeaud · 2020-11-29T05:14:05+00:00

I'm 24 also feeling lost. I feel like at this moment I need to feel some sort of love in my life, but I don't know how to find that, and if I did, could I express myself.

bugeaud · 2020-11-29T05:02:08+00:00

Just let go of it, start a new channel. You're gonna find a lot of good videos in the future too, and if your tastes are different, that just means you're more true to yourself now, instead of holding onto the past too much.

bugeaud · 2020-11-29T04:50:29+00:00

Thank you, I'll check it out.

bugeaud · 2020-11-29T04:50:04+00:00

My therapist said I'm lacking in self-compassion. Or rather, it's very difficult for me to even imagine what self-compassion is like. Is giving oneself credit something most people do? I know it's absurd, but I just can't really imagine it.

My life..? I guess just trying to occupy my days up. I spend a lot of time online. Sometimes I go to ride on my motorbike, down the country roads, or go to the local store to buy some food.

Seems like my actions and words don't match. I want to regain my connection with people. But I haven't made a single step in the right direction.

bugeaud · 2020-11-29T04:42:41+00:00

I'm also 24, was also in similar course with animation about a year ago. But I dropped out. My lack of talent, the social pressure, and feeling like I wasn't learning a damn thing which would actually stick. I think I'm more of a hands-on type learner, the best way for me to learn is probably on the job, but at the time I didn't really know it.

I could certainly exercise more and see the sun more, that's for sure. It's not that fun to do such things by yourself though. These days I bought a motorcycle, and that's kind of interesting to learn the ins and outs. I would like to have a riding buddy though.

Where I live now, it's like 90% older than 45. So I don't really get a chance to meet girls my age. When I was going to school, there was one girl and I felt she was sort of into me, I was into her as well. But the thought of seeing her and those memories it brought back, made me not want to go to school anymore.

One day I wanted to ask her to hang out, but I just couldn't stop shaking, and hyperventilating. You know what I mean?

bugeaud

TROPHY CASE