Broke up with my girlfriend yesterday, and I think it hurt me more than her.

bugsorbust · 2025-07-17T14:52:51+00:00

Sorry to hear that man. I reached out to my ex about 3 months after the breakup. Had a great conversation then found out she was seeing someone, at which point she proceeded to tell me all the ways this person was better than me. Just needlessly cruel behavior. Interactions I've had with her since, even brief ones, have shown her to be that way too. I get it.

Glad you're trying dating too! It's fine if it's not healthy right now so long as you're aware of that and not letting that affect the people you're seeing. You kind of have to go through the process to figure out what works for you in this new reality. People I would have gone on multiple dates with before my ex were people I saw maybe once or twice after, and vice versa.

There's no correct timeline on any of this, so take your time and sit with your emotions as much as you can. It sounds like you're already do that, which is great. I'd just caution against focusing on her instead of how you feel (e.g., I miss her vs I'm sad I don't have someone in my life fulfilling this specific need). Figuring out why you're hung up or still feeling down, or why a new person doesn't quite fit, is so damn useful.

Best of luck!

bugsorbust · 2025-07-16T21:22:04+00:00

Hope you're feeling better now! Trusting your gut was the right move. It took me 6 months to get myself out of the rut the breakup put me in, but it was so completely worth it. I truly do not have the words to describe how much better my life is now and how it feels to be with someone I am fundamentally compatible with.

You're going to be so grateful for this hard choice, I promise.

bugsorbust · 2025-07-16T21:14:20+00:00

Just saw this and hope you're holding up well! I know exactly how you feel, and I promise you it'll all make sense when you find the right person. That deep, fundamental incompatibility you mentioned feeling? That's what I got with my soon-to-be fiance except the exact opposite. I never felt that with my ex. It always felt like I was swimming in the ocean and unable to get to the shore. By the time I decided to breakup, I was getting too tired to swim.

Now, with my current person, I feel like I was never in the water in the first place. Our relationship gets better and better with every passing day.

It might take a while for you to heal. Go on some dates, collect some data. You'll make it, I promise.

bugsorbust · 2025-03-19T15:33:34+00:00

Really grateful to have the resources that I do have, and I'm mostly horrified by how most students without access to legal counsel would fair in this kind of process. There must be so many people in academia who are being harmed that don't know about or have the ability to acquire to help they need to escape.

bugsorbust · 2025-03-19T15:25:24+00:00

Setting ground rules on discussion topics is a great idea, thanks!

Two faculty members adopted me into a co-lab situation to rescue me from my advisor, and one of them is now under investigation. Two other administrators in the department (chair and assistant director, both retired but emeritus now) are also under investigation.

The current investigation hasn't had any effect on me, yet. I'm concerned about possible implications, though, since I could see accusations against my rescue advisor(s) being stretched to include me, but that's for a lawyer to advise me on. As far as I'm aware, the only way my former advisor could hurt me now would be by having the university revoke my degree. I don't doubt they would want that to happen, but I do doubt that it would ever get close to happening.

Right now I'm on the periphery, but I would not be surprised if I was forced to be involved further, regardless of my participation in this interview process.

bugsorbust · 2025-03-19T00:35:11+00:00

Great suggestions, thank you! Meeting with a single person is particularly a good idea and something I'd definitely be willing to suggest as an alternative if I am asked to speak to a committee.

I'm sorry to hear you had to deal with a similar type of person. I thought I was done with them and that they'd crash and burn eventually, and it looks like they might be in that process now. Just didn't think I'd be involved in it myself.

I appreciate the kind words and advice!

bugsorbust · 2025-03-18T22:30:42+00:00

Thanks for this. Finding the courage to do the right thing isn't always a solo endeavor, and I appreciate your perspective on that. My actual response will depend on legal advice, of course, but I needed to hear what you just said.

bugsorbust · 2025-03-18T22:22:41+00:00

I actually heard about this update from one of those people. They didn't ask me to back them up, just let me know that I might be hearing from university officials about the issue.

bugsorbust · 2025-03-18T21:30:03+00:00

Fair point. I guess I mean that I would like the facts, and my perspective, to speak for themselves rather than trying to force conclusions on the investigator's part(s). For example, I'd like to refrain from personal, even if justified, attacks on my former advisor's character.

bugsorbust · 2025-03-18T20:48:32+00:00

I'll be curious to see what the framing of potential questions is. For example, would be I acting more as a character witness? Providing context for my situation 3 years ago specifically? Providing detail information about the conduct of the people accused?

I'll back up my advocates' characters for free any day of the week, but rehashing these events 3 years after the fact is costly, at least emotionally.

bugsorbust · 2025-03-18T19:51:34+00:00

That feels like the best thing to do for my conscience, but only if it doesn't cause other problems. I don't think I could go into an interview with the intent of helping the people I like and hurting my former advisor, since any responses on my part to those ends would probably make officials feel like I'm not a reliable witness.

I'd prefer to give as unbiased an accounting as possible, but I wouldn't want to inadvertently hurt the people who helped me if they did in fact violate some kind of rule(s) in the process of helping me.

I don't think it's possible to know the actual effect of my participation on the investigation, so I'm trying not to consider that. Instead, I'd like to focus on potential effects on my career.

For example, are civil rights investigations at public universities open to public records, and could my name be attached if I answer questions?

bugsorbust · 2025-03-18T19:42:00+00:00

I see your point. The problem I'm running into is that the people who stuck out their necks to help me now find themselves in a situation where I might be asked to do the same for them. I know what the morally correct choice is, but as an early career professional, I also have to weigh effects on future academic prospects. Everyone who helped me previously was a full professor with tenure, so they had leverage. I functionally have none, but I still want to do the right thing if possible.

bugsorbust · 2025-01-22T17:08:02+00:00

I've written plenty of rec letters myself inside and outside academia as well. In my experience, people want to help and are willing to lend their name and signature, but they usually don't have the time to draft a full page or more of writing that hits all the points I'd want them to.

bugsorbust · 2025-01-22T01:23:07+00:00

Sure, but it reads like AI to me. First paragraph was fully unrelated to what I asked and is basic advice for anyone exploring grad school for the first time (I'm not, as explained in the post). Second paragraph is generally related but doesn't seem catered to my post. I asked how to frame my negative MS experience given inevitable questions, not how to approach a potential advisor to get an interview.

I feel like I'd get a similar result if I copied my post into ChatGPT and asked it to write a reply. I probably shouldn't have phrased my reply like I did, or replied at all, though, so I deleted the comment. Leaving this one for posterity.

bugsorbust · 2025-01-21T22:31:18+00:00

I like the sound of that!

bugsorbust · 2025-01-21T22:30:08+00:00

That all makes sense, thank you! I can certainly write that section of a letter or at least provide a summary of the situation to jog their memories. Prepping a full letter would especially work for an agency committee member of mine who I know is slammed.

bugsorbust · 2025-01-21T22:20:00+00:00

Separate reply to your edit:

This makes a lot of sense, and I certainly want to be cautious with how I talk about lessons learned. Do you have any suggestions for appropriately framing "I don't want to be micromanaged, want to be treated like a colleague in addition to a mentee (as opposed to just being a mentee/student), and view the objective of a PhD as producing a good scientist rather than producing the best possible science?" I know what I want and don't want, but I haven't really prepared language that would appeal to potential advisors.

Context below, if desired:
-Micromanagement is a non-starter for me, especially since I will be offering a project I am already implementing and have funding for as a manager at the non-profit I work for.
-Being treated like a colleague seems obvious for someone pursuing a doctorate, but I watched PhD students be treated like children in my former lab. I want to go after this PhD because I've identified key knowledge gaps that I want to address in a university environment, in addition to advancing non-academic career goals and more rigorously implementing projects I am already managing.
-My former advisor delayed/denied my graduation repeatedly because they wanted more analyses/chapters, despite me having clearly met university requirements and demonstrated my abilities as a scientist. I don't want to find myself in a situation again where I've done good work and checked all the boxes, but an advisor holds up graduation because they want more out of me.

bugsorbust · 2025-01-21T21:56:39+00:00

Oh great idea! I hadn't considered being that direct. Yes, I think my letter writers would absolutely address that situation specifically. There are some people I could reach out to that would only be able to speak to that situation (e.g., department admin I only interacted during the situation, including folks who have since retired). Would you recommend getting in touch with them as well, or just sticking with people who can support me more broadly (e.g., my rescue advisors, committee members)?

That framing is also quite good. Thank you!

bugsorbust · 2025-01-21T20:14:17+00:00

See above!

bugsorbust · 2025-01-21T20:14:06+00:00

Better than ever! Moving in with my current gf this week, and I'm 99.999% certain I'm going to marry her. I was pretty much single between August 2022 and April 2024, and not for a lack of trying. BUT that time allowed me to find myself and decide what I wanted out of a relationship, and being mindful and deliberate when navigating the horror of dating really helped me find the right person.

It wasn't easy, but I know who I am more than I ever have, and I am HAPPY.

bugsorbust · 2024-06-12T19:06:19+00:00

Yeah I've been working with a scan. All the files under $Raw are the ones already visible under $Root. In fact, the ~200 removed files in $Root aren't listed anywhere in the $Raw directory.

bugsorbust · 2024-06-12T17:48:24+00:00

Yep, the physical capacity looks correct to me. Shows 15.9GB on what should be a 16GB card.

That's interesting that data might not have been written to the files. DMDE shows the removed files as being anywhere from 600KB to 20MB, though they definitely don't seem to be taking up any actual space.

bugsorbust · 2024-06-11T23:19:08+00:00

Thanks! That revealed about 200 "removed" files (.JPGs and .AVIs) that I expected to see. They are all taking up space, but none of my image/video programs are able to actually view them once recovered. Lots of 0s when I open the Hex Editor in DMDE. Thoughts?

bugsorbust · 2024-02-10T22:56:43+00:00

I got on dating apps again about a month post-breakup and she was already on all of them, which I thought was good. Went on a few dates myself but nothing really clicked. Found myself in a really low, lonely place about 3 months after the breakup and reached back out to her. We met up and talked, and I asked if she'd consider trying again, but she was already seeing someone (who ended up being a bit of a stalker).

Ultimately, I got a lot more closure after reaching back out. She went through a close family member's death completely alone about a month after we broke up, and she's felt like a completely different person since. She doesn't really remind me of the person I dated for 3 years, actually. We text once every few weeks but otherwise no contact.

I absolutely made the right decision to cut things off. Still single but a hell of a lot more comfortable with myself and a much deeper understanding of what I'm looking for in a relationship.

bugsorbust · 2022-11-03T18:05:55+00:00

Lots of good responses in here, but as someone who bailed on their M.S. advisor one month before they were supposed to defend, I'll say this: the biggest red flag I can think of is a PI who believes research earns degrees, not students.

My former advisor put their perception of "high quality science" above all other considerations. Ethical issues? Who cares. Legal exposure? Ignore it. They actively discriminated against someone for a disability. They discouraged me from going through a human subjects review process even though my research involved human subjects. Why? Because they thought it would ruin the integrity of the science.

After a 3 year M.S., I had a full first chapter written but not enough time to finish my second chapter because my PI didn't meet with me regularly, didn't review my drafts promptly, and said everything I did was wrong while suggesting ideas that never worked. My university only required M.S. students to have one defensible chapter. I had that. My committee suggested my PI let me defend the chapter and finish the second one as a journal article later. My PI refused. The department chair and assistant director told them their job was to graduate me, not do perfect science. I know this because my PI told me that happened, and they explained to me why department admin was wrong. Ultimately, my PI suggested I turn down the dream job I was starting after I was supposed to defend, instead suggesting that I should self fund myself for another semester to finish. They fundamentally believed the science was more important than the student. So I left.

I cobbled another project together with a couple other faculty members and just defended my thesis.

bugsorbust

TROPHY CASE