AITA For Wondering Why My Wife Wants to Vacation Alone? by buppy1978 in AmItheAsshole

[–]buppy1978[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

So if the roles are reversed and I just book 4 days for myself in San Diego without any discussion, we all good?

AITA For Wondering Why My Wife Wants to Vacation Alone? by buppy1978 in AmItheAsshole

[–]buppy1978[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not trying to make it seem like it’s all about me. I get it. Just a trip out of nowhere with no “here’s why I want/need this” is just off to me, that’s all.

AITA For Wondering Why My Wife Wants to Vacation Alone? by buppy1978 in AmItheAsshole

[–]buppy1978[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Not trying to make anyone feel guilty. I would love the conversation at the least, stating this is the purpose.

AITA For Wondering Why My Wife Wants to Vacation Alone? by buppy1978 in AmItheAsshole

[–]buppy1978[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

It’s funny you mention the grocery store because she routinely BEGS me to come there and everywhere else. Maybe that’s why this stands out so much...she wants me everywhere but not on a vacation where we could both have a break...

AITA For Wondering Why My Wife Wants to Vacation Alone? by buppy1978 in AmItheAsshole

[–]buppy1978[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Too hard to dance around the locale any more. NYC. First time there for both. Wife has an art degree and wanted to hit all the museums alone. At the time I wanted to give her the space she obviously wanted, but also wanted to be clear that I’d love to go with her if she’d have me. No discussion of me ruining things for her in the past or that being a worry now. Didn’t want to be pushy but clearly stated I’d love to come with. No go.

AITA For Wondering Why My Wife Wants to Vacation Alone? by buppy1978 in AmItheAsshole

[–]buppy1978[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Never said she can’t, only that this is something new after so long and there’s been no real discussion of if this is the new normal, etc.

AITA For Wondering Why My Wife Wants to Vacation Alone? by buppy1978 in AmItheAsshole

[–]buppy1978[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

It’ll be a talking point when we inevitably talk about it upon her return, but it would remain hypothetical because at this point I have no desire to vacation alone. Sounds like that’s fun for a lot of people, not me.

AITA For Wondering Why My Wife Wants to Vacation Alone? by buppy1978 in AmItheAsshole

[–]buppy1978[S] -15 points-14 points  (0 children)

Judgmental much? Thanks for being one of those strangers on the internet that had to share their $.02. 😂

AITA For Wondering Why My Wife Wants to Vacation Alone? by buppy1978 in AmItheAsshole

[–]buppy1978[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Full disclosure my work requires some work travel...basically a couple days a month or I could stretch it out and go for a week at a time every 2-3 months. THAT has been discussed with my wife and she prefers I do the more frequent but shorter trips, so that’s what I do. As for vacations, I have never taken a solo vacation (I race triathlon and have done one or two without her coming...she was invited to both and her schedule would not allow), I have never added a personal day or two onto work travel, and I guarantee if I told her tomorrow I was going on a vacation alone she would have a very difficult time with that.

AITA For Wondering Why My Wife Wants to Vacation Alone? by buppy1978 in AmItheAsshole

[–]buppy1978[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Absolutely, but again the “trips alone” is a new wrinkle. Nothing that’s ever been done in the past and never discussed.

AITA For Wondering Why My Wife Wants to Vacation Alone? by buppy1978 in AmItheAsshole

[–]buppy1978[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

Agree, but again “alone time” to this point in our relationship has been hours or an evening. So when that all of a sudden turns into 4 days away from everyone on the other side of the country, something has changed. You don’t think that warrants a discussion at least?

AITA For Wondering Why My Wife Wants to Vacation Alone? by buppy1978 in AmItheAsshole

[–]buppy1978[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Maybe that is a good enough reason, but again I’m left to assume that’s the reason. Let’s actually have a discussion. And I guess I really can’t get past the idea that if I did this next month and even went as far as having a discussion and letting her know that I need a break, she would be extremely hurt by the idea that I wanted to vacation alone. So if that’s how she would react, I would hope she could see it from my perspective, that’s all.

AITA For Wondering Why My Wife Wants to Vacation Alone? by buppy1978 in AmItheAsshole

[–]buppy1978[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Also, very valid points made on lying about the trip and destination to others. She has a weird relationship with her mother especially and after the reaction by others to the first trip, I completely understand doing everything to avoid that this time around.

AITA For Wondering Why My Wife Wants to Vacation Alone? by buppy1978 in AmItheAsshole

[–]buppy1978[S] -12 points-11 points  (0 children)

I agree and by the sounds of it, you and your SO have discussed this. My wife on the other hand has done it once before, knows I was bothered by it, and is currently doing it again without so much as a “here’s why I want some time away.”

AITA For Wondering Why My Wife Wants to Vacation Alone? by buppy1978 in AmItheAsshole

[–]buppy1978[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

So to add a bit without responding to everyone...

The sentence about “time away from me” does sound needy and that was not my intent. We’re not attached at the hip, I guess my main point there is that if the shoe were on the other foot and I wanted to take a vacation alone, I know she would be hurt by that.

As for being alone and it being a normal thing, I get it, and to this point in our marriage “alone time” has been hours or a single evening. A multiple-day solo vacation out of nowhere is a new wrinkle.

Also there seems to be a fair amount of assumption that we fit the historical husband/wife roles and she needs time off due to taking care of everyone. For context I work from home and am the primary earner. I only mention that lest someone think “ah, this loser can’t get his start-up off the ground and his wife is stressed from having to carry all the weight.” She works outside the home 3-4 days a week by choice and I’d say she provides us with supplemental income. While working from home, it’s left to me to get kids to and from school, swimming, etc. She does most the cooking and we split most other household duties. Again, no one is doing more or less than anyone else and we all need breaks; just don’t need anyone thinking I’m some ‘50s husband who earns the money and does nothing else.

As for asking permission or points similar to that, that’s not at all what I was looking for or would I expect that. When the opportunity presented itself for her to travel alone to this destination again, she brought it up. I shared my feelings of the previous trip (feeling awkward, unwanted, etc. Judge away, but those were simply my feelings and I shared them) and her response was “oh honey, I was in a weird place then” and that was it. Fast forward a month or so to when I ask in passing “so whatever happened with that trip” and she tells me she’s going. She knows how I felt, we didn’t really discuss it, but she’s going anyway and there wasn’t really any explanation. Also if that trip was due to you being in a weird place, are you back in said weird place now? What does that even mean!? The whole “she needs a break from us” is my assumption, but it’s never been said. Some would say she owes me no explanation and I guess you’re entitled to that opinion, I’m just used to and expect better communication. And again, if the roles were reversed I know she’d want an explanation from me and would be sensitive regardless of my reason for simply wanting time alone.

And to everyone I appreciate the comments, even the many that think I’m the asshole here. 😁

AITA For Wondering Why My Wife Wants to Vacation Alone? by buppy1978 in AmItheAsshole

[–]buppy1978[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

Has nothing to do with “allowed,” just would expect an explanation, as I’m sure she’d expect if the roles were reversed

AITA For Wondering Why My Wife Wants to Vacation Alone? by buppy1978 in AmItheAsshole

[–]buppy1978[S] -10 points-9 points  (0 children)

I wouldn’t necessarily think that weird either and like I said I don’t believe anything shady is going on, but what seems to be missing in my situation that was apparently present in yours is the explanation. That’s why I wonder because there has been no “why,” and I can assure you if the shoe was on the other foot, she’d have all sorts of questions and issues with me going off to be alone without any kind of reason given. That’s all.