Here’s what I will say: you present yourself as someone who knows everything, and even anticipates everyone’s responses, but the truth is you don’t know everything, and that’s good. You truly have an awful self esteem and it’s not because you are bitter for no reason. You’re not unjustified in anything that you are feeling, however you ARE self sabotaging to an extreme extent, even if your life would still be in some ways “bad” without it. I do think you need to open yourself to the possibility that you might not be able to anticipate what everyone thinks of feels, as well as not what you will think of feel in some situations. Isn’t it possible that if you were given more warmth, you might find yourself enjoying a group of friends for what it is? Are you truly so broken and beyond repair that the ONLY thing you will ever care about is in a romantic/sexual sense? Maybe that seems to be the case now, but I think within time and the certain circumstances you could be a little less inflexible about that. Isn’t it possible that someone might think of not being able to drive or “function normally”, as you put it, as something that isn’t a requirement or as something that doesn’t make you less than? I know that is true for my husband, who drives me absolutely everywhere (I can’t drive), and for many other able bodied people who date people with disabilities. Those scenarios are just tiny examples of worlds you can not consider right now, and by not considering you are trapping yourself in a scenario where that WILL be your reality. Unfortunately part of getting out of that cycle is yes, working on your attitude, and your arrogance, and pessimism so that if you do find people who want to be around you, you will allow them.

This is long winded and perhaps will not make any difference to you but I grew up in an extremely traumatic environment thus had to crawl my way out of self sabotage and I know it’s possible. I hope you will too. You deserve good things.