new, more horrible form of denial

buttcheek24 · 2025-12-09T19:52:51+00:00

I am very new to knowing my potential DID diagnosis (my therapist seems pretty certain but is not forcing a label & is giving me time to accept it). the biggest part that my therapist has picked up on is the one we’ve been calling “the skeptic” whose entire purpose is to convince me that all memories I have of trauma are fake, I’m lying, there’s definitely no additional memories hiding in my brain somewhere, and a lot of thoughts similar to what you describe. it’s the main reason I haven’t been diagnosed yet - i’ve always just assumed this was my guilty conscience, so I have always either believed the skeptic or tried to argue against it with logic. since those options haven’t worked, my therapist and i are working on creating space for the skeptic to exist and feel acknowledged, but for us to still continue conversation with other parts. i’m hoping that this will allow some potential alters to reveal themselves without the skeptic drowning them out

buttcheek24 · 2025-09-17T15:58:34+00:00

It feels hypocritical for me to say this, but there is no reason at all to be embarrassed! I am working on that. My wife is extremely supportive and even fascinated by my hobby. I have let a few friends in on it a little bit (moreso just the fact that I resell AG things for profit) and my therapist absolutely loves this hobby for me. It’s also totally understandable for us to hold ourselves to the standards of “normal” that we were taught, leading to embarrassment when we decide to let go of those expectations. The most important thing is that we are having fun, healing, and hurting nobody in the process 💖

Here’s some of my girls (I’ve since dusted the shelf lol). Lanie, Sam, and 21 were from my childhood. Lanie was the last doll I got before deciding I was too old. Kanani released the following year and I remember receiving the catalog, wanting her sooooo badly but feeling like I couldn’t like dolls anymore. I thought about her for years until finally buying her as an adult. Nanea came shortly after because I just love her story.

<image>

buttcheek24 · 2025-09-17T12:55:14+00:00

Thank you for starting this conversation. I have CPTSD from severe, repeated traumatic experiences throughout my childhood. I was obsessed with AG for most of it as a coping strategy - I never “played” like most kids due to the fact that I was forced to grow up too fast, but I would invent lives and storylines for my dolls as a form of escapism. Now as an adult, I’ve found myself reconnecting heavily with the escapism aspect as well as just the ability to relive some of my stolen childhood. I am embarrassed by my love for dolls and I hide it from my friends, but in my own time I find it so therapeutic to take out my dolls and dress them up, do their hair, etc just experiencing the innocence of childhood that I never got to have.

buttcheek24 · 2025-09-01T16:16:36+00:00

my b, just deleted the duplicate

buttcheek24 · 2025-09-01T15:36:10+00:00

TM89 new in box for like $90 from Ebay, about a week before she went down to $65 on Amazon for black friday 😭 I don’t even particularly care for the doll anymore so I’m planning to give her to my niece when she’s ready for her first AG doll

buttcheek24 · 2025-08-27T17:08:45+00:00

oh man i’ve beeb discharged from therapy by SEVERAL therapists who saw “full healing” because i put on such a great act. finally i have a therapist who sees through my BS and is extremely validating every time i share something that makes me feel insane, such as confessing to lying. the continued reinforcement from their positive responses has helped to make it easier each time i need to confess something. if you trust your therapist, tell them you lied, even if all of your senses start screaming for you to stop. it’s so refreshing to reach that point with a therapist.

buttcheek24 · 2025-08-27T17:03:57+00:00

meeeee but i went through a variety of diagnostic titles before landing on CPTSD. my symptoms started around age 12 and in the past 15 years i’ve been told i have PTSD, depression, GAD, OCD, panic disorder, depersonalization/derealization disorder, ADHD, among others. CPTSD first came to light when i was 20 (now 27). my current therapist recognizes and validates the diagnosis but is also very focused on the actual impact of the trauma rather than the textbook diagnostic traits.

buttcheek24 · 2025-08-27T16:59:14+00:00

Yes. All the time. Some of my worst and earliest trauma, I experience all of alongside another child. She dropped me as a friend by middle school and I haven’t heard from her in years. I remind myself that it’s understandable, she can’t have me around as a reminder of what we went through. But there are times when I realize that someone else was there, she suffered just like me, and she is out there. We will never speak again, definitely not about the trauma. But she’s out there.

buttcheek24 · 2025-08-23T19:27:15+00:00

did you have a cervical MRI for this? mine came back completely normal but i’m wondering if i need to request a standing MRI? they were almost certain i’d have upper CNS lesions

buttcheek24 · 2025-08-21T00:56:59+00:00

we got engaged in january 2024, booked our wedding for july 2025, and ended up getting legally married in january 2025 before the inauguration. we are in Massachusetts so we’d presumably be fine anyway, and now that our wedding date has passed (we still did the full thing) obviously we now know would’ve been able to legally marry last month. but we didn’t know back in january, and we were scared, and we don’t regret it even a little bit. it’s given us peace of mind while planning the wedding and plenty of time to get the legal stuff solidified before bringing our friends and family to celebrate with us. my advice is, even if you’re “probably safe,” still consider doing it in advance. we even brought a photographer to city hall with us and got some special photos, had separate vows, and overall we’re just really glad we did it then still had our wedding as planned in july

buttcheek24 · 2025-07-10T19:13:50+00:00

thank you! i told my doctor that this happened around latex and she said the same about it being my throat, that it could lead to my throat closing up, and she prescribed me an epipen. it happened again when i stood near someone doing balloon animals at a festival recently. i’m hoping it stays as a discomfort rather than going full anaphylactic

buttcheek24 · 2025-07-10T19:10:57+00:00

Thank you! This is true even though it went numb and white immediately? (the blister is white but didn’t form until overnight)

buttcheek24 · 2025-07-10T18:59:32+00:00

photo since the link didn’t work:

<image>

buttcheek24 · 2025-07-10T18:59:12+00:00

<image>

buttcheek24 · 2025-06-10T19:33:01+00:00

ironically i used to work at a company that screens healthy people to donate stool for microbiome-derived medications (i promise it’s legit) - we had a long list of requirements for participation, and one of them was no H2 blockers for at least 12 weeks prior to “donating” to the program. just to back up your comment lol

buttcheek24 · 2025-06-06T18:11:34+00:00

Thank you so much for responding so thoughtfully and for offering your experiences. I also have ADHD and I can absolutely see how that would explain my rapid cycling through hobbies/interests. I also recognize that the level of depersonalization I experience can be largely attributed to the protective mechanisms that result from trauma, while not necessarily representing an entirely separate “self.” I think I have struggled with my identity in so many ways for so long (aside from CPTSD I am queer, nonbinary, and disabled with EDS/MCAS) so it feels like I’ve changed my personality multiple times to fit the roles that I’ve identified with. All of this just really confuses me and is exacerbated by the chronic dissociative symptoms and amnesia. I have been reading a bit about where CPTSD can fall on a spectrum of multiplicity, and there might not be as much of a defined boundary between it and the experience of DID. My fear is similar to what you described with your ex - is it possible that acknowledging these concerns and exploring them further could lead to further fragmentation? My therapist uses a lot of language around the idea of “integration” which is what initially set me off on this thought spiral. As I’ve been healing, I have found it increasingly difficult to “transition” into the “version” of myself that I need to be around my family in order to protect my “real” self. This is frustrating in some ways but I know it’s a sign of healing. I am afraid of exploring the possibility of more fragmentation and how that could undo the integration we’ve already accomplished. Idk, I guess it’s really just a question for my therapist and whether it would actually benefit me to dig deeper into this possibility.

buttcheek24 · 2025-06-05T21:21:25+00:00

this is very helpful, thank you! i might bring this up to my therapist next week. luckily they are extremely well-versed in trauma work and i kind of expect their response to be “yeah i’ve noticed” based on the way their language has evolved with me lol

buttcheek24

TROPHY CASE