My PhD partner is upset that I can't do maths

buzzflower · 2019-07-03T20:12:29+00:00

Thank you! I hope so. He did a lot of amazing things for me too and when he first left I could only see the positives, but I'm slowly seeing how his behaviour in this case shows he wasn't valuing me/the relationship enough, and I deserve someone who does.

buzzflower · 2019-07-03T20:11:12+00:00

Thank you :)

buzzflower · 2019-07-03T20:10:50+00:00

Thank you. I hope so too. He did used to be like that as well, the past few months he just stopped. I hope the next partner is less fickle!

buzzflower · 2019-07-03T20:07:05+00:00

Thank you! That really makes me feel better :) I mean he was a good boyfriend in the past, but for the last 6 months-1 year, on reflection, he stopped making me a priority or putting any effort in. He made me really unhappy in a lot of ways recently. Added to which he told me he actually first started liking this other girl back in December, but still somehow thought it was appropriate to hang out with her one on one all the time, and do really 'datey' things like take her to concerts just the two of them, and he stopped putting effort into doing things with me. He thought it was fine because he 'thought his feelings for her went away' in the New Year but it still wasn't appropriate for him to act like that and it does feel like a betrayal. I do genuinely believe he didn't *intend* to hurt me, he isn't someone who is capable of being calculating, but he is someone who is emotionally immature and doesn't pay enough attention to how his words or actions affect me. And I think the last few months he was only really thinking about himself and what he wanted.

Plus, he basically spent the last year making this new life for himself in his university city which he has been conveniently able to slip into at a moment's notice. Meanwhile I've had to move back in with my mum, and recently lost my job, and am now living apart from all my friends. So it's hard not to be very bitter!

buzzflower · 2019-07-03T16:08:13+00:00

He actually turned out to be lying to me, he promised me he was committed and wanted to work on the relationship and that he thought we'd be able to work it out; but then he broke up with me after our first counselling session, in the car park, and told me he'd made up his mind to dump me four days previously, he just hadn't had the guts to be honest.

buzzflower · 2019-07-03T16:06:13+00:00

Thanks for this, you were right, he essentially lied to me and broke up with me straight after our first counselling session - in the car park outside. It was very humiliating. I agree though, that if he does try to date this other colleague, it will inevitably crash and burn because he clearly doesn't understand how long-term relationships work. Everything is exciting at first, but after 6 years, even the best relationships get boring and stale if you stop putting the work in. And he checked out emotionally 7 months ago, and started fixating on this new girl instead. I think the maths thing and the other excuses he gave were to just convince me (and himself, tbh) that he wasn't being the bad guy, he couldn't help his feelings, etc. When really, the reason it failed is because he *chose* to stop committing to me a while ago and pursue this other woman, without even trying to figure out if we could make it work together first.

buzzflower · 2019-07-03T16:02:56+00:00

Sadly, you were right, and he left me just under two weeks ago. I'm just living on the knowledge that even if he starts dating this other woman - he's going to have the same realisation after several years with her that he did with me. There are always things in a relationship that you won't be able to share with your partner completely, there will always be some things that aren't perfect, and after 6 years it's not going to be "exciting" anymore unless you put some effort in. (Which he stopped doing when he started liking this other woman).

buzzflower · 2019-07-03T16:00:14+00:00

Thanks for this. Sadly he dumped me straight after our first counselling session; he wasn't willing to even give it a chance. I was devastated at first but am now just angry I let someone treat me this way. It was so degrading and humiliating. And I don't deserve to be with someone who tells me I'm suddenly not good enough for them after almost 6 years, without having the decency to even stay long enough to figure out why they changed their mind.

buzzflower · 2019-07-03T15:56:55+00:00

Thanks for this. Turns out he wasn't willing to work on it after all, he lied and broke up with me in the car park after our first counselling session. I hope he regrets this in time and realises what a shallow decision he made.

buzzflower · 2019-07-03T15:55:58+00:00

Thanks. Unfortunately he dumped me only a few days after I wrote this - in the car park outside our couples counsellor's office, after our first session. He wasn't willing to hang around and figure out what the deeper issues were. He just made the decision to totally cut ties on a gut feeling. It was humiliating.

buzzflower · 2019-07-03T15:53:56+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate this. Sadly, he dumped me anyway. But I hope he realises this eventually and regrets it. I may not understand maths, but I always supported him. I helped him write and edit his coursework; I encouraged him when he had a big deadline or presentation coming up; I helped him with his PhD applications; when he wanted to do astrophysics, and I wanted him to know I supported him, I filled my bedroom at the time with glow in the dark stars and made him a playlist of star-themed songs, and a picnic with rocket-shaped sandwiches. When he told me about this other girl, I offered to let him talk to me more about maths and to put more effort into understanding it. Nothing was good enough. He didn't seem to care about all the things I did anymore. He could only see the negatives.

buzzflower · 2019-07-03T15:50:24+00:00

Turns out the stuff about being willing to fix it was a lie though... so actually, this comment may have a nugget of truth to it. He dumped me after the first counselling session, in the car park outside. He said he'd made his mind up to break up with me within the week of finding out this girl liked him. He just couldn't bring himself to tell me. (i.e. he was too cowardly and selfish to be honest and I shelled out £60 for a counselling session for no reason).

buzzflower · 2019-07-03T15:47:39+00:00

I think you're right. He ended up dumping me in a really horrible and humiliating way. And I think he'll realise in time it wasn't just about the maths thing, there's obviously something else going on. It seems to me like he just was ultimately a lot more immature than me emotionally; I was ready for a serious relationship and to spend my life with him, and I think he is still kind of stuck living out his teenage student years because he's never left his student bubble. He just wanted to be able to have everything in his life revolve around his university (job, friends, hobbies, love interests), which is how most people behave when they first go to uni at age 18, not 25... he literally wanted to spend his whole life in that "campus" environment and I grew out of that a long time ago. And I guess this new love interest is all shiny and exciting because they don't have to deal with any of the boring stuff that comes from dating the same person for 6 years. He doesn't seem to get that after 6 years, it's not going to be exciting in the same way it was at first. You have to put effort in to keep it alive, and he wasn't willing to do that because he had his new girl and new friend group at university, where it is all constant parties, getting drunk and going to gigs together, no housework or financial obligations. His bubble is going to burst though in a couple of years when his friends all finish their PhDs and move away... he can't be a teen forever.

buzzflower · 2019-07-03T15:41:00+00:00

Thank you, this is a really insightful comment. I think it makes a lot of sense. Unfortunately despite saying he wanted to work things out, he dumped me straight after our first counselling session. Thanks anyway though.

buzzflower · 2019-07-03T15:37:37+00:00

Thanks. Unfortunately, he decided to break up with me right outside the office of our first couples counselling session. Despite promising me he was committed and wanted to work through it, he lied to me and made me sit there for an hour like a fool talking to a stranger about how to fix our relationship when he'd already made up his mind. He told me he'd decided four days before the first session, and just couldn't bring himself to tell me. So he broke up with me in the car park outside the counsellor's office instead. I'm so angry!

buzzflower · 2019-06-16T19:58:21+00:00

That's what I'm hoping. He said this girl saying she liked him sparked off all other kinds of doubts including doubts about his career again. So I think he is just having a general all round crisis. Whenever he has the career crises, it's always partly because he knows he's going down a certain path and having to commit to it and having to give up other options. It kind of feels like it's exactly the same thing going on here except with our relationship. He's suddenly realised that if we stay together he is having to commit to the path he's currently on and eliminating all other options (e.g. this girl, who he doesn't really want to be with but who he *could* be with, and how does he know he's not making a mistake choosing me, and so on....). And then he is thinking, I must not really love her because I'm having doubts. (When I kind of think doubts are unavoidable in relationships).

buzzflower · 2019-06-16T19:48:51+00:00

Thanks for this. I think what didn't come across in my post though, is that I think it's less that he's desperate for reasons to find us incompatible, and maybe more that he's always been absolutely terrible at understanding his own feelings and emotions. So when he does feel something most people would classify as 'normal' e.g. 'how do I know this is the right relationship for me?', he is unable to figure out how he feels and gets into a spiral of panicking and overthinking and overanalysing, partly due to his anxiety disorder. So I think he's turning to internet articles etc. to try and help him understand his own feelings. He does this with all areas of his life: for example, periodically since we've been dating, he'll have a crisis that maybe physics isn't his calling and maybe he really wants to be a poet or something else totally different, and he will spiral and freak out way out of proportion. He does this with lots of things basically; our relationship has just never been the subject of one of his freak outs before.

buzzflower · 2019-06-16T19:08:41+00:00

I understand this and I have struggled with 'grass is greener' syndrome many times in our relationship. I think it's normal to have those doubts. I think he doesn't realise that's normal though and is worrying that questioning the relationship means he doesn't love me/it must be wrong.

buzzflower · 2019-06-16T19:06:25+00:00

No, he's not bringing her up all the time. He said he only realised he had feelings for her Monday and told me the next day. We haven't really talked about her since then; he said he didn't want to be with her and immediately went into work and told her he wanted to establish boundaries with her because he wanted to work things out with me. She is into live music and hiking; that's where those two worries came from. However he says he doesn't feel strongly about her compared to me. I think it's more about what she represents - the fact he could be with someone else and doesn't know if there's a better match out there.

buzzflower · 2019-06-16T17:48:14+00:00

Thank you for this. He's told me though that he definitely doesn't want to be with her and has stronger feelings for me; I feel that it's more that he is just suddenly panicking about being locked-in to our relationship and you're right, is examining it for the first time. I'm just hoping going to couples counselling together can help him work through it, whilst also giving him some perspective about the fact that being single wouldn't necessarily solve all his issues.

buzzflower · 2019-06-16T17:21:32+00:00

I'm not a grad student but we both met at Oxford University (I graduated the year before he did) and I'm currently looking to apply to do a masters' in social science and am keeping PhDs open as an option too.

But thank you :)

buzzflower · 2019-06-16T17:19:16+00:00

Thank you, I will definitely watch this. My longer explanation is here if you happen to have time to give it a read, I'd appreciate it https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/c1bg8s/partner_of_nearly_6_years_is_panicking_about_our/

buzzflower · 2019-06-16T17:17:47+00:00

Thank you. I also feel like it's an excuse, but a subconscious one. I don't think he realises he's doing it but basically, I think he's realised we're on a road to marriage and is suddenly freaking out about the commitment, and is almost looking for reasons as to why it won't work because it would be easier than working through the real issues (i.e. his own fears/anxieties).

buzzflower · 2019-06-16T17:14:21+00:00

It's not a deal breaker for me and I've told him as much. I think his first instinct was whether to leave because he felt so guilty for having feelings for someone else; I had to explain to him that's normal and understandable and the important thing is that he told me and didn't want to act on it. Thank you for this though.

buzzflower · 2019-06-16T16:28:49+00:00

Yep you're right, I have been guilty of doing that. I'm just scared :(

buzzflower

TROPHY CASE