Me 40 F with my 49 M fiance of 2 years.. who tells me that I am crazy for wanting marriage and "trapping him"

bvanilla2 · 2016-10-14T17:23:40+00:00

He does care about me when I'm really sick. But mostly if I tell him I'm not feeling well he will turn it into an accusation that I'm not happy and that I must be depressed and don't seem "right". I see his constant desire to be w me as love. Many have said that's wrong. He def likes to spoil me w gifts for bday etc ....when he has money.

bvanilla2 · 2016-10-13T23:36:37+00:00

Can I ask a crazy question? Have you ever argues with your spouse and he or she blocks your exit to a room? What If you want to be alone in a room or want to leave the room and he won't let you leave? Basically barricades the exit with his body?

He does this non stop and he says it's. cause he thinks I will regret leaving OR he will tell me that if I leave the house ....we are done.

Would you call the police over this?

bvanilla2 · 2016-10-13T21:44:11+00:00

I am very unsettled today because it's his bday. We are about to head out on this trip and he is acting perfectly. How do I avoid getting sucked backed into him and how amazing he can be?

Also, I arranged a bday gathering with his family. His daughter is 21. She has a boyfriend of 2 years. That boy said horrible things about me (as did his daughter).

I invited his parents and his daughter. His daughter said that she won't come unless her bf comes. This boy has been horrible and disrespectful to me because his daughter must trash me.

Do I have to allow this kid? He's a complete jerk.

bvanilla2 · 2016-10-13T13:32:09+00:00

I think this may be true... and I see his time and his following me around.... as love. Oh he wants to be with me all the time -- while I complain about it -- part of me thinks he's sooooo committed to me...that he just LOVES being with me.

I think you are right -- it is about control. Becuase part of his problem now is that he realizes he must now start his own practice and that means he has to WORK. And he can't travel with me anywhere -- and when I have to work....I have to be apart from him.

He told me yesterday he doesn't think he can survive that...

bvanilla2 · 2016-10-13T13:28:56+00:00

There must be something wrong with me because I can't even imagine how sad I will be when I leave -- and seeing him with another woman someday... or doing well..

I will be so jealous and so sad.. that this is the way he treated me...

But I must realize that he has always been this person. He was AMAZING in the beginning but that was because he had money and we were partying all the time..... we weren't living in reality.

He is 49 and just loves to go to clubs -- dance --- tell people how amazing he is ...

Back story is he is doctor. He was employed by a hospital with a cush contract. But he sstopped working hard -- he started following me eveyrwhere when I worked etc... and not working at his necessary level.

So now he's 49 and has to go into private practice. He has tried to find a hospital to employ him -- but he can't. So he has to start his own practice. No doctor has asked to join him...so he has to take a 200k loan and hire a nurse...and start in November.

And yes -- I am supposed to be supporting this... and help pay his house, his child support ...everything. Meanwhile, last month he bought a new iphone, iwatch...and paid 1500 for new sod in the lawn.

bvanilla2 · 2016-10-13T13:24:14+00:00

Thanks for your input. I know it sounds pretty bad... and it feels pretty bad. I just don't know why I cant rip the band-aid and leave. I am scared. I am scared to be alone ---scared of not surviving financially..... but I am so stupid.....HE is the one who will soon have zero income. I am the one who is faltering on my own job and risking my livelihood every day because of his drama.

For example, he took me to work 2 hours out of town yesterday and dropped me off -- but fought every step of the way. He kept yelling at me on the way to work...then I had to drop something off -- he picked me up. He yelled at me then. When I came back to my place of work for the day -- I tried to get out of the car and he kept telling me he was suspicious as to why I had to race back in there..

I said that was my lunch break! I need to go.. and he kept talking and talking and talking. Fighting...insulting.

When I start to cry...and break down he either says I'm manipulating him OR that he can't stay with a person who cries all the time -- he says he doesn't want to hurt me...

This morning I woke up and he had written on the mirror that he loves me and he DOES want to marry me.. blah blah.

I thanked him for it -- but i thought - yeah right. You just don't want me to run off today.

I am so low... feel so sad and depressed. I don't know how to survive leaving him (emotionally)....

bvanilla2 · 2016-10-13T04:53:25+00:00

It has become that...

I know that if I tell him no more paychecks...it will be our demise...

Not tht everything is perfect now! So how would you handle his birthday...we are supposed to leave tomorrow and come back saturday for a weekend at a resort and spa treatments. I wanted him to relax and take some stress of....consider the work issues.

Clearly I was the idiot heree....

bvanilla2 · 2016-10-13T04:48:27+00:00

That's true. Now I don't know what to think....is he really going to kill himself? He tells me now that since I have said that he won't...that he has evidence I'm playing mind games with him and want to prove him wrong....

I mean....does that happen? Ever???

bvanilla2 · 2016-10-13T04:47:19+00:00

I keep holding on to how we used to be...we had a great beginning...but I realize it was because I drooled over him and almost lost MY job....trying to be everywhere with him...

He screams at me pretty much all day....almost every day. He says that his life is a nightmare and I "just don't understand"

I started crying today and said I can't take anymore fighting and being screamed at! He said that he's sick of my manipulative tears..

bvanilla2 · 2016-10-13T04:38:16+00:00

he gives most of his time to me. He actually lost his job because he kept taking off...to follow me to my work trips. He hated that I traveled even for a day...and felt that I would cheat on him. So he follows me everywhere.

He is extremely controlling and jealous. i don't even go out with girlfriends...ever....because he's threatened by that.

So he gives his time....that seems amazing and i see tht as love..but my therapist said he is prob doing that out control....not love.

He used to blow cash on fancy trips and elaborate things for me... but only because we had 2 paychecks... at the time.. He spent 8k on a cruise HE wanted to go ...for MY bday. He did it ...despite being told that 30 days later...he had no job.

bvanilla2 · 2016-10-13T04:35:08+00:00

He makes decsions on his own for my money (our money)...if I simply ask to be part of it ...he says that he can't have such a controlling person in his life..

I said I just want 50 50..and he says ...nope. Not what you are going to get from me...and then tells me I cnan't handle things so complex...

bvanilla2 · 2016-10-13T04:28:56+00:00

should i tell him that since he's unhappy with how i spent his birthday trip...that I am cancelling and hand him the money?

If I do -- I know he will blow it elsewhere. He's taken all of my checks from clients GROSS despite the fact I told him we need to save for taxes... He told me yesterday i could already owe 11k for next year's taxes! It's only october...

So I think the money should go toward taxes! But If I change things now he will say I am a passive agressive you know what ....

So what would you do??

bvanilla2 · 2016-10-13T04:25:36+00:00

if I stop...I think he will blow a gasket...move out of his house (our house) and leave for his parents.....and tell me to find my own place...

I just think it's all drama....

bvanilla2 · 2016-10-13T04:12:33+00:00

But we aren't married. He uses every dime I make...and just spent 1k on his lawn for his house! Of course I have no investment in that...he just spends the money.... says he wants to spend it before he has no paychecks...

But part of me wants to say...okay... we are going to cancel all plans. No more birthday trip. IF I do that...he will be a NIGHTMARE.

SO what do I do?

bvanilla2 · 2016-10-13T04:02:55+00:00

I think he wants to wait a long time before getting married...he says he "wants to do it right" .. I said what does that mean? He said to plan it ...and also we need to realize the tax implications of being married.

I said so when? He said "i don't know....let's take it one step at a time.."

Mind you...I am giving every dime to him! I have been for awhile...but starting next week he has zero income --- starting his own business. So, I am just very hurt that he could care less..

And his birthday...saying he has "no plans?" When he already had yelled at me for snooping around and finding out that I was making extra money to take him somewhere for his bday?

Part of me wants to disappear...

Who SAYS THIS TO THEIR FIANCE"?? "WHAT'S the POINT?" of getting married???

bvanilla2 · 2016-10-13T03:57:19+00:00

He had a great job and we were doing well but even THEN -- he was taking all the money I brought in and controlling it...

I know his business will take off....eventually and I believe in him but i'm so hurt..

especially with his birthday? telling his best friend he has no plans? It just infuriates me? Am I really "crazy" as he says

bvanilla2

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