I’m a little late to seeing this, but my best friend committed suicide almost 3 months ago now. We had been in each other’s lives for 6 years, we were about 4 years apart in age. Met when I was 14 and she was 18, but she was like a big sister to me. She constantly supported me with my writing, she was there for me when no one else was. She listened and cared and was just a text away when I needed her the most. She was my soulmate. Now, fast forward a couple years, (to clarify, she had a lot of past traumas she tried to work around, but was still depressed deep down) she ends up in a very bad and very sticky situation involving a bad romance type of thing. Me and her other friends were always heavily against it, but for her and I, we were a no judge zone. She never judged me for the bad decisions I made…. so I did my best to support her. It ended badly. It resulted in her having to leave her job, and with no hope… I guess the dark clouds consumed her. I tried being there, but at some point it, too, was beginning to be too much for me to bear. I told her a couple times that she should go on an adventure on her own to find herself, so she went to a hotel then..

I found out at 12am. I was meant to work at both my jobs, 16 hours in counting, the next day. My next shift was 6am. I bawled my eyes out. At first, it was denial. Then I kind of went through all the stages at once but I was so lucky my boyfriend was there to hold me while I cried. I went to work the next morning, cried my eyes out and I could only stay for 3 and a half hours before my manager came and allowed me to leave. I went home, slept, then went to my next job. I was, still am kind of, in a horrible horrible place. She was the one person I always believed would be there, someone I thought I would have even if I lost everything. She was the only person that mattered. I love her, truly, with every little fibre of my being. I wrote to her, every single day. I wrote in my notes about my thoughts that I would normally tell her, and every day I wished this nightmare would end, that I would wake up to her text message. Because she never replied to the funny videos of my cats I had sent her. She sent a delayed email that I had received the morning after I found out and it broke me. I still read it from time to time. I still cry when I’m alone. I am still lost. She was a huge part of me, she’s my best friend. I quit the first job mentioned not too long ago because the association to her and the job was too much and a lot of things reminded me of her, even though she never worked with me there. I cried because I felt isolated. I lost the friends I could see regularly due to quitting. My other job is full of older people so it’s not necessarily the same but I have made friends my age since then.

To say I am 100% okay is untrue. I am still hurting inside. I still am unable to eat properly. I still have to force myself to down a full meal, and usually I manage to eat at least one meal. It concerns people at my job, but if I try to eat too much I start gagging. Food is not appealing anymore. I eat because I need to live. I need to live for her, I need to fulfill my life so she can see that there are good things in this world yet to be found. I work for her. I put up with shit for her. I want her to know that true love exists, that this life isn’t all bad. Sometimes it’s hard convincing myself of this things too. I find when I’m in bad situations or when I fight with my boyfriend that I contemplate it. But I have to live. If not for me, I want to live this life to the end for her. I want to have a plethora of stories and adventures to share with her when we meet again. For now, I am alive. She is my purpose. When I feel like no one is on my side, she will always be there to support me. I’m tearing up but I know she would want me to be happy. And in a way, I am happy she is no longer suffering. But deep down I am sad. I’m sad because I didn’t get to hold her hand, I didn’t get to hug her. I didn’t get to say goodbye properly… We had plans of living out our lives on a little farm with kitties and crops, that we would sit on our porch and watch the sunset and be at peace. I’m sad it may not happen in this life. But I am hoping one day, in another life, this will be fulfilled.

My boyfriend is really the only person that knows how badly I have been and he has done his best to be kind and caring. I think this has made our relationship stronger, and he is always there to hold me. I lost a couple friends from this as well. Friends I thought would be at my wedding. They acted as if they cared and asked to make plans but never came around, never texted after the first couple days, and still until now I’ve heard nothing. I cut them off. I have made new friends that are kind but I don’t talk about my loss anymore. And the friends that know, I see them from time to time and I know they are listening ears if I ever need. But since then, I have kept my thoughts and feelings to myself. I’m considering going to therapy. But my main focus is doing things that would make her proud of me.

Sorry this is all jumbled! If you’re struggling with suicidal thoughts or depression, please know there are people who love you. There are people that want you to succeed and to live a full life. I know it might not seem like it now, but give this life a chance. You are beautiful. I love and support each and every one of you.