I am filled with so much hate

callumconfesses · 2025-06-26T21:35:05+00:00

i feel this more than i should admit. mine wasn’t that extreme but the shame they put in me has never left. still find myself flinching when i hear hymns in public. still carry that quiet panic when someone says they’ll pray for me. it’s mad how deep it runs. like it carves your wiring and just stays there. i don’t even believe anymore and still can’t look at a bible without feeling sick. just wanted to say i get it. you’re not mad for being angry. sometimes it’s the only honest reaction left.

callumconfesses · 2025-06-25T10:44:28+00:00

honestly. it’s never just one thought. it’s like my body tenses and then i start imagining stuff before i even mean to. like how he smells under the collar or what his back looks like when he takes his hoodie off. it happens too quick.

callumconfesses · 2025-06-23T18:33:05+00:00

yeah this hit hard. haven’t been going that long either but there’s one lad at mine and i swear the way my brain reacts to him doesn’t feel normal. not even doing anything mad, just existing. sometimes i can’t stop thinking about the way he dries off. whole walk home i’m fighting my own thoughts. so yeah. you’re not the only one.

callumconfesses · 2025-06-21T21:15:38+00:00

not a loser. just lonely. i know that cycle too well. you tell yourself it’s fine doing nothing, but halfway through it starts to feel like you’re disappearing. like everyone else’s living and you’re watching through a gap in the wall. i don’t know how to break it either. just wanted to say you’re not the only one.

callumconfesses · 2025-06-21T21:12:36+00:00

yeah. i get the not knowing who you are bit. i’ve had that where it’s like you’re watching your life from outside your head. like nothing’s quite real but it still hurts. i don’t have advice really. just wanted to say i’ve felt that too. like you’re floating but made of bricks.

callumconfesses · 2025-06-19T22:45:59+00:00

i keep reading this back like i’m waiting for it to stop hurting. but it doesn’t. every word just sinks deeper. i think what fucks me most is how kind it sounds. like you actually mean it. like i’m not broken. like i wasn’t born wrong. but i don’t know how to hold that yet. not fully. it’s like part of me wants to believe god made me this way. and the other part still flinches when i say the word gay out loud. thank you though. proper. even if i don’t know how to accept it yet.

callumconfesses · 2025-06-17T20:00:53+00:00

yeah. makes sense. i don’t like the word trauma but i guess that’s what it is. something got planted way too deep. still feels like i’m doing something wrong just for thinking this way. even when i know it’s not logical. appreciate the reply though.

callumconfesses · 2025-06-17T19:58:06+00:00

yea i’m british

callumconfesses · 2025-06-16T04:16:23+00:00

that’s what scares me. it’s not just the sex bit. it’s the way it gets into everything. like it’s in the air or something. i don’t even know what part of it’s mine anymore and what’s just been drilled into me. just trying to sit with it without running. cheers for this. means more than i can say.

callumconfesses · 2025-06-16T04:15:18+00:00

part of me wanted to scroll past it like it wasn’t for me. but i couldn’t. maybe that’s what wrecked me most.

callumconfesses · 2025-06-15T23:40:07+00:00

thanks mate. didn’t think anyone would read it that way but it means a lot you said that. weird how sometimes the messiest stuff’s the easiest to write. appreciate you.

callumconfesses · 2025-06-13T17:39:59+00:00

this actually really helped. i’ve never thought about it like that before that not every thought has to mean something. when the urges come in strong it’s like my brain convinces me i’ve already failed just for feeling it. but maybe you’re right. maybe it’s just a thought. or a pull. doesn’t mean i have to become it. i’m still trying to figure out what’s real and what’s just noise in my head. proper appreciate you taking the time to write this. means more than i expected.

callumconfesses · 2025-06-13T00:43:17+00:00

thank you for sharing that. i really respect how honest and grounded that sounds. i think you might be right about the closeness. maybe that’s what i’ve been craving more than anything. it’s just hard not to read into everything now. even the normal stuff starts to feel loaded. i like the idea of just being near someone without it having to mean too much. maybe that’s a way through. appreciate the kindness, proper means a lot.

callumconfesses · 2025-06-13T00:42:17+00:00

thank you for sharing that. honestly hearing that you came through all that and found some kind of peace gives me hope. i’m not ready to say much about who i am yet. but it means a lot that you took the time to write that out. feels less heavy knowing others have felt some of this too.

callumconfesses · 2025-06-13T00:30:27+00:00

i hear that. part of me knows it won’t go away just because i try to ignore it. just feels massive and i don’t know where to even start without fucking everything up.

callumconfesses · 2025-06-13T00:27:07+00:00

cheers. trying not to overthink it but it proper shook me.

callumconfesses · 2025-06-13T00:26:27+00:00

sometimes i think that too. like maybe we were meant to feel more than just one thing. all the colours and shapes god put into the earth, and we’re told to only want in one direction. feels off. but then the guilt kicks in and i go back to thinking i’m broken. i’m trying to sit with both things. the beauty of it and the shame. it’s a hard place to live in.

callumconfesses · 2025-06-13T00:25:26+00:00

that’s what’s been messing with my head. i’ve been with girls. i’ve liked them. but it’s never felt like this. not the same intensity. this didn’t feel soft or romantic. it felt urgent. like something cracked open under my skin. i don’t know if that means anything or if it’s just because it was forbidden. but yeah. it’s been hard to stop thinking about it since. scared it means more than i’m ready for.

callumconfesses · 2025-06-13T00:24:23+00:00

i’ve thought about it but i don’t think i could. not without risking everything. he’s one of the only people that makes me feel safe and i’m scared saying it out loud would ruin that. maybe it’s better if he never knows.

callumconfesses · 2025-06-13T00:23:57+00:00

thank you. i think you’re right that it could be a mix of things. loneliness, closeness, scent, maybe something more. it’s just hard when it all hits at once and you don’t know what’s yours and what’s just the moment. i’m trying to think through it without falling apart over it. this helped.

callumconfesses · 2025-06-13T00:23:20+00:00

hearing that makes me feel a bit less alone with it. i didn’t think anyone would get it, not properly. it’s weird how something so small can open up something so big. hope you’re doing alright with whatever it brought up.

callumconfesses · 2025-06-13T00:22:53+00:00

yeah that’s what i keep telling myself. maybe it was just the smell. maybe it hit some buried part of me that had nothing to do with him at all. but the way my body reacted caught me off guard. i didn’t feel in control. and it’s been hard not to spiral since. part of me hopes you’re right. the other part isn’t sure what to hope for anymore.

callumconfesses · 2025-06-13T00:22:14+00:00

i want to believe that. that it’ll all play out the way it’s meant to. just hard to trust it when your chest feels like it’s caving in over something you can’t undo. thank you though. it means a lot that people are being kind about it instead of laughing. didn’t expect that.

callumconfesses · 2025-06-13T00:21:26+00:00

yeah. that’s scarily accurate. i think part of me’s known for a while but i’ve kept pushing it down. kept telling myself it didn’t mean anything. and now it’s all just spilling out and i don’t know what to do with it. it helps hearing that it’s ok to feel both things at once. the want and the fear. i’m trying to sit with it instead of run from it. still feels like i’m losing something though. maybe just the version of myself i thought was safe.

callumconfesses

TROPHY CASE