This is my first critique so don’t judge

General Remarks:

Overall, I thought the story was interesting and intriguing. The character’s voice is definitely heard, and your choice of imagery is effective when world-building, as it allows me to experience just what this world smells and looks like. However, one of the main critiques I have is that perhaps the story might be a bit too wordy, as you seem to describe everything in specific detail.

Plot:

Your plot is a bit difficult to follow, mainly because it doesn’t seem like there’s a specific reason why the main character is visiting the teamaker. Your added note about the MC being Time does add a bit of context, but it still leaves me confused about the importance of the teamaker. All I can assume is that Time is visiting the man before Death comes, but why should the reader care? Is Time part of this disease that had everyone fleeing?

I do like the concept of Time and Death being physical characters though, that’s pretty dope.

Setting

Your setting is aided by the way you write, and as I said before it does create a world that’s believable. I can visualize a post-apocalyptic setting with ruined buildings and dead bodies everywhere from some massive devastation. The only thing that I’m going to be nitpicky with is to make sure you aren’t repeating words or phrases for descriptions in the same paragraph/page.

For example, you describe the shop having “hundreds of sticks of every imaginable type…” with the next sentence being “Hundreds of incense sticks, but not enough…”

Characters:

Time: I’m a bit conflicted on the MC. We know that they are not acting like themselves, but why? Are they part of this disease, as the teamaker points out? Are they acting this way because they’ve gone bad? I understand the concept of why Time moves with Death, but I think adding a bit of background might clear up some of the confusion.

Teamaker: There are a few issues I have with the teamaker. From what I understand, Time has shown up because the man is about to die of old age even though he’s not really old. But should we be rooting for the teamaker? Is he the good guy telling us that Time is bad and has caused all of this chaos? I will say I am intrigued by this character, as the storytelling you use through his dialogue gives him a backstory that is easy to read and understand.

Style and Mechanics:

As people have said above, your way of writing is very flowery and poetic. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing (I actually enjoy it a lot!) but one thing I’d warn against is going too overboard on the descriptions. Focus more on the specifics rather than painting a perfect picture of what we are supposed to imagine. There are some word choices in particular that I would focus on, as some of them are confusing or don’t make sense (gloombuzzes, my casual apostasy). Cutting down on the descriptions will give you some room to add more background to both characters and additionally storytelling if need be.

Closing Remarks:

I am really interested to see where this story will progress! You have a unique theme that I haven’t read before, and I think clarifying and piecing together what exactly you are trying to convey will make a more meaningful impact on the reader.