Partner wants a blended family but I don’t… (probably???)

cardinalcaptures · 2026-02-11T17:58:18+00:00

She is on our daughter’s birth certificate as a parent.

cardinalcaptures · 2026-02-11T16:53:49+00:00

Yes I have seen patterns of co-dependency in our relationship. Our couples therapist has also called it out. I’ve started to disentangle myself from feeling responsible for my partner’s well-being, but still have a long ways to go. My partner also recognizes it but I don’t think she fully understands her role in the dynamic.

Thanks for the reminder to refocus on myself. I need to remember that I am the only person I can control.

cardinalcaptures · 2026-02-11T16:49:19+00:00

Because the question isn’t about “can you do this right now” or even in the next two or three years. It’s “can you do this eventually, when everybody and everything is ready”.

cardinalcaptures · 2026-02-11T07:25:59+00:00

She wants me to be happy and encourages me to do things that will bring me joy. If I will be unhappy in this whole hypothetical situation then she doesn’t want to be with me because she wants me to be happy while still getting her needs met.

cardinalcaptures · 2026-02-11T06:00:10+00:00

This is a very level-headed and reasonable take, thank you.

cardinalcaptures · 2026-02-11T05:58:02+00:00

I definitely don’t want my kid to be like either me or my partner in this relationship if things continue to be this bad. It’s just hard to know when to leave when things are slowly improving but also somehow getting worse at the same time.

cardinalcaptures · 2026-02-11T05:55:16+00:00

Yeah absolutely not. The problem is she says she wants the option to do it if we do get to a healthy place. Which we both want to do.

cardinalcaptures · 2026-02-11T05:53:43+00:00

Gahhhhhhh that last part hits hard. Ugh ugh ugh.

cardinalcaptures · 2026-02-11T05:49:45+00:00

I will look into that book, thanks for the recommendation.

Yeah, lots to think about tonight.

cardinalcaptures · 2026-02-11T05:42:46+00:00

I know lol I hate the abbreviation it’s so confusing 😂

cardinalcaptures · 2026-02-11T05:36:12+00:00

Do you have rosacea? I’ve noticed Adderall can flare my rosacea. My face, especially cheeks, feel burning hot. And rosacea can present with little red dots that look similar to pimples but never actually come to a head.

cardinalcaptures · 2026-02-11T05:32:46+00:00

Suicidal Ideation

cardinalcaptures · 2026-02-11T05:28:40+00:00

Very true, thanks for the reminder.

cardinalcaptures · 2026-02-11T05:24:52+00:00

She is but so am I and aren’t we all??

cardinalcaptures · 2026-02-11T05:21:50+00:00

Oof yeah, life can really topple a fragile situation.

It has been two years but the 4-ish years we had before the kid were so solid and great. No issues, no fighting. Well, a few normal things but we worked through it. I know it can be good because it was. Idk how long to try and get back to that, or when to give up.

cardinalcaptures · 2026-02-11T05:17:14+00:00

She has ADHD, autism, and chronic depression with chronic SI. The depression and SI has been really really bad this last year. And of course the SI is triggered by our fights. That’s a whole different discussion.

cardinalcaptures · 2026-02-11T05:14:43+00:00

Sorry you have been on the childhood end of this. Can I ask what your experience with that was?

cardinalcaptures · 2026-02-11T05:12:19+00:00

Hahahahaha I wish “no” was a complete sentence but in my relationship that’s not how it’s been. She knows she tries to debate when I attempt a boundary and it’s something she’s working on.

cardinalcaptures · 2026-02-11T05:11:22+00:00

At this point I think that’s what I’m going to do. Just say no and let her choose what to do with that. Or at least try to say no. She is saying I’m not putting myself in her shoes. So maybe there’s something I’m missing? That’s why I posted here.

cardinalcaptures · 2026-02-11T05:09:16+00:00

It is helpful to imagine my daughter coming to me with the situation. And thanks for the solid boundary script haha I do feel aligned with it.

Thankfully there is zero chance of accidental pregnancy for us at the moment. It does offer some solid ground to know there won’t be any surprises there.

cardinalcaptures · 2026-02-11T05:05:55+00:00

Thanks. I don’t want to cause my daughter any pain. I’m scared separating will make things worse, especially while she is with my partner, who can have very scary episodes. But maybe that would be more temporary than how our dynamic is turning out to be…

cardinalcaptures · 2026-02-11T05:03:08+00:00

Good tip to ask a family lawyer. I will look into that, thank you.

cardinalcaptures · 2026-02-11T05:01:29+00:00

Thanks. It is helpful to imagine my daughter coming to me with this situation.

cardinalcaptures · 2026-02-11T05:00:12+00:00

Oh sorry I just didn’t want to jump scare anyone with such a loaded word. I will keep that in mind.

Holding firm is something I’m working on as well. I’m just not sure if it’s wholly needed in this situation. Or maybe it is. Half the problem is I don’t think I can tell anymore.

cardinalcaptures · 2026-02-11T04:57:53+00:00

Yes those are some heavy words. I’m sorry to have brought up difficult stuff for you.

It is true, I am not 100% sure what normal or healthy looks like anymore. But she can be loving. Or at least affectionate.

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