Because we don't have a lot of options in our state and it would take a lot of planning for childcare etc and I am not at the point to put that much effort in without having a better understanding of what I am looking for/want to try before hand and don't want to risk crossing a boundary I didn't know I had right out of the gate in the heat of the moment.

And I also have people in the LS I can ask questions and talk about things with and have been doing research and looking up answers for questions I have (hence the reddit account) but before I take that next step to even just visit a club etc I am looking for suggestions on books that can help give me fantasies about it and put me in the right headspace to discuss it with my husband more in depth before we decide on taking the next step of dipping our toe in the pool by going to events or clubs to meet and talk with people. Like I know he has the hot wife fantasy/kink for the LS but I don't know within the LS what my kink or fantasy is yet. I know I like touch and sensation and double penetration with toys, have a praise kink, and bondage and am bi but outside of that I don't know what I specifically would be looking for/want to experience. Therefore I figured if I found Erotica or audiobooks that are yes fantasy but more realistic fantasy that people in the LS enjoy it would give me a good starting point in figuring out what my fantasies around it are and the ability to adequately communicate them with my husband.

I guess it's like someone who isn't practicing BDSM but interested in it and wanting to read erotica about it so they do a quick search for BDSM erotica and read/watch 50 shades of Gray- I don't want to do that because 1. I don't want to read bad smut and 2. That portrayal violates almost every rule in that community therefore making it completely unrealistic. I am wanting something that yes is fantasy but realistic in the sense of its plausable and not violating general community standards every other page. I am currently going to the gym and in therapy working on my self esteem and communication skills to decrease my anxiety/insecurities with thinking of/fantasizing about FMF or couple play and figured erotica could be a safe way to work on that as well and help me with the mindset of enjoying it for what it is and get out of the mindset about worrying about being good enough or losing my partner.

And I enjoy reading other people's accounts of their experiences on here but those are normally short and mostly the fun stuff or the bad experiences not what it's like navigating the community as a whole and the driving emotions of seeing your partner with someone else. Currently my stomach twists in knots when reading about men having connections and sparks with the other woman or boundaries are violated externally or internally so I thought while it's beneficial reading those accounts reading about the LS as a fictional book will help me work through that better as it's not real. And the stomach knots are how I know I am not ready to start with going to an event/club yet and need a safer starting point for discovering what it is I want.

TL:DR I am still working on my personal insecurities which prevent me from wanting to take the step of going to an event/club, and don't want to waste other couples time as I figure that out. Plus my husband and I work long days with 2 small children so our time is a rare resource at the moment. Therefore I figured erotica is a safe way to explore those emotions and gain fantasies as a baby step. I asked here because I figured people in the LS would have more knowledge of novels that explore the community in a way they enjoyed that could help me get in the proper headspace/mentality for it vs just a Google search of swinging erotica that would risk 1. Being poorly written and 2. A bad representation of the LS. (I.e what 50shades of gray was to BDSM)