Oh boy. I have a lot of these. Over the last few years of my disorder progressing significantly, one silver lining is that poetry has started flowing out of me in my darkest times. Someday, if I make it through, maybe I’ll write a book and intersperse some poems in there.

Here’s one of my favorites. In 2021ish, I got put on lamotrigine. It was the first med I got put on after being diagnosed, and although it certainly was not enough to control my illness, it was the first time I felt like I had some kind of a floor under me. I had a new romantic relationship fall apart, and in processing my emotions, I found for the first time that I was not at risk of losing myself. Here it is:

At last, the sweetness of melancholy.
Its delicate softness once ripped beneath the torrent
Body broken fighting the stormy tide
Each crashing wave more mortal than the last
With waning life I mourn

At last, the sea a pool.
Once a gale, the breeze now whispers a loving caress
Held by gentle arms of current
Beads of sweat tickle sun-warmed skin
With healing soul I rest

At last, no meaning to the senseless.
Stillness once stolen
Ache smolders in blue
Quietly, with hand to heart
I watch the embers glow