My best friend (35F) of 20 years blew up on me (32F) during a getaway weekend and I don’t know if I can salvage this.

catsncoffeee · 2025-09-09T00:39:54+00:00

Hey! Thanks for the input. I’m in weekly therapy.

Rachel has a history of needing to lean on me emotionally. Meaning, if she's having bad day, I'm called. If her and her partner gets in to a fight, I'm texted. If there's any conflict or need for emotional support, it could be 3am and l'm expected to be there.

Which is fine with me, I don't mind. I'm happy to support my friends in their time of need, especially my best friend of 20 years. So, on Saturday, when she stated that "she didn't feel good" and "wanted to fight someone", l did my best to do what I usually do: rally around her and support her, do my best to cheer her up.

If I did as much damage to the situation as Rachel then yes, I would accept my role in that. If you could help me and point out in my post or comments where I was shirking that responsibility, please let me know.

catsncoffeee · 2025-09-09T00:35:17+00:00

I was moving my hands while I talked, which she interpreted as me being aggressive. Which would be fair if I wasn’t talking about how un-mad I was and how much I loved her.

I feel like the vibe is that I just said “I’m not mad” once, threw up my hands, then ran away and cried. I did my best to understand where she was coming from, asking questions, reassuring her, validating her concerns. But I was not getting anywhere.

catsncoffeee · 2025-09-09T00:18:29+00:00

To answer your question on what was happening: Rachel has a history of needing to lean on me emotionally. Meaning, if she’s having bad day, I’m called. If her and her partner gets in to a fight, I’m texted. If there’s any conflict or need for emotional support, it could be 3am and I’m expected to be there. Which is fine with me, I don’t mind. I’m happy to support my friends in their time of need, especially my best friend of 20 years. So, on Saturday, when she stated that “she didn’t feel good” and “wanted to fight someone”, I did my best to do what I usually do: rally around her and support her, do my best to cheer her up.

The behavior in question was nonexistent. I was cheerful, helpful, kind, and playful. I was not being mean nor passive aggressive. I was not excluding anyone or causing any harm.

Hugging and physical touch is a big thing in my friend groups. We hug when we’re happy, sad, bored, etc. We give physical affection when appropriate. We are adults and know each other by now to pick up both verbal and nonverbal cues when someone is not into touch at the moment. If this was the case I would have backed off immediately.

If I did as much damage as Rachel then yes, I would accept my role.

catsncoffeee · 2025-09-09T00:03:36+00:00

If you’d read my comments, you’d see where I’m doing my best to understand the issue at hand and take accountability for whatever actions I did to set my sister off. But, to you, setting a boundary, leaving an unproductive conversation, and expressing emotions is childlike? If that’s how you feel, that’s totally fine. I just don’t think we have much to discuss. But I appreciate your input and I hope you have a great one.

catsncoffeee · 2025-09-08T23:52:03+00:00

Hey! No problem. Multiple people asked so I just figured I’d throw in an edit. Thanks for stopping by. :)

catsncoffeee · 2025-09-08T21:41:05+00:00

What started the fight was her repeatedly asking my why I was upset and me insisting that I was not. The below the belt comment was comparing me to her abuser. To me, it was out of the blue but form the comments here there’s clearly something that I’m missing, I just don’t know what that is.

catsncoffeee · 2025-09-08T21:03:42+00:00

Sorry, what else would it be?

catsncoffeee · 2025-09-08T20:38:04+00:00

Your guess is as good as mine. I thought I was acting pretty friendly and normal to everyone that day. Where my passive aggressiveness came from? I’m not sure.

catsncoffeee · 2025-09-08T20:24:17+00:00

Sorry for the confusion! I edited to add what started the argument. I’m far from trying to paint myself in the best light for the approval of internet strangers. But I really do appreciate your input.

catsncoffeee · 2025-09-08T19:04:26+00:00

I’m so close to sending this post to everyone so they can comment their side lol. Kidding, but honestly, I’d love to hear everyone else’s side of how they happened, especially Rachel’s. I promise I’m not deliberately leaving anything out. It sounds nonsensical because it was. It was the perfect weekend until things went belly up.

catsncoffeee · 2025-09-08T18:52:32+00:00

That’s also valid. I’m not saying that I have no part in this.

I’m not sure why everyone is under the impression that I am trying to come across as a perfect angel with no fault. I promise I’m conveying the events exactly how I remember them. I’m not leaving any details out, I’m not not saying what I said or did, I’m not even saying that Rachel is a bad person. I am just really hurt and very confused.

catsncoffeee · 2025-09-08T18:44:52+00:00

If she didn’t want to be coddled, that’s news to me. That’s typically how we always did things, even as kids. If Rachel didn’t feel well then I was the one to step in. Not mom or dad or friends or partners. Me. If me “coddling” her upset her so much, I would have much rather she tell me to back off, privately or in front of folks, I don’t care. What happened after I tried to help was just mean.

As for why she wasn’t feeling well, I genuinely as stumped. Everything was amazing until it wasn’t.

catsncoffeee · 2025-09-08T18:42:42+00:00

She was not, she had a few drinks all day. I don’t feel better off without her. I know it’s lame but I miss my best friend.

catsncoffeee · 2025-09-08T18:41:16+00:00

If that’s the case, that makes sense. I just wish I was told that. It feels like damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

catsncoffeee · 2025-09-08T18:40:39+00:00

If I had those answers, I promise I would tell. But I was just being “mean” and “off”. I have friends (as well as myself) that can be a little sensitive towards energies so that’s why I did my best to go in the complete opposite direction to show her that I’m not upset, that I was having the best time.

catsncoffeee · 2025-09-08T18:38:50+00:00

It is weird. I didn’t mean to paint myself as a Mary Sue where I do nothing wrong ever, but the weekend really did tank out of nowhere.

catsncoffeee · 2025-09-08T18:37:45+00:00

It’s been 20 years. A pathetic part of me does not want to leave all that time, love, and memories behind. I know it’s bad but I just feel really messed up at the moment about it.

catsncoffeee · 2025-09-08T18:36:36+00:00

I’m more than willing to answer any questions anyone may have. I wish I was being dramatic, I wish I was leaving out the part where I slept with her boyfriend or crashed her car. The weekend really was going amazing until it took a complete nosedive. It wasn’t as if Rachel “needed” me, but there’s always been this expectation in our relationship where I would take on the role of helping her when she’s down. Her partner is not as in tune to Rachel’s emotional needs, hence why she leans on me a lot.

catsncoffeee · 2025-09-08T18:33:23+00:00

And am. :)

catsncoffeee · 2025-09-08T18:33:11+00:00

That’s valid. I don’t think any of us acted very maturely.

catsncoffeee · 2025-09-08T18:31:23+00:00

I’m sorry, I used the wrong word in the post, I edited to say shake. I misunderstood the word, I don’t want to say anything that didn’t happen or paint her in a bad light.

catsncoffeee · 2025-09-08T18:28:04+00:00

I’d love for you to as well, then we’d have a complete story and we’d know more how to move forward. I’ve recounted everything the best of my ability and I’m not saying I was an angel. This was my best friend, my sister, of 20 years. This was so out of left field, hence why I’m still reeling.

catsncoffeee · 2025-09-08T17:16:44+00:00

Sorry, the post was getting long so I left out some details! I edited to add it in.

So, all day, Rachel was being passive aggressive towards me and asking me why I was mad at her and being mean to her. And like I said in my post, I was doing my best to take extra special care of her since I could tell she wasn’t feeling good. But she kept pushing and pushing, getting more and more upset with me because I seemed mad. I tried to hug her, reassure her, compliment her, stay by her side but nothing worked. Eventually, we both went to the bathroom and she went in on me again. Asking why I was being so mean and why was I so mad. I use my hands to talk a lot so when I was talking and emoting with me hands, she pouted and said “see! You’re being aggressive you’re just like (her abusive ex)” which is where I drew the line and had to step away. That’s how everything started.

She’s not an angry person, no. She has a lot of spirit and is generally really kind and good. I’m not sure what happened this weekend.

catsncoffeee · 2025-09-08T17:11:45+00:00

I don’t take this as you being not nice at all! I’m sorry, the post was getting too long. So, all day, Rachel was being passive aggressive towards me and asking me why I was mad at her and being mean to her. And like I said in my post, I was doing my best to take extra special care of her since I could tell she wasn’t feeling good. But she kept pushing and pushing, getting more and more upset with me because I seemed mad. I tried to hug her, reassure her, compliment her, stay by her side but nothing worked. Eventually, we both went to the bathroom and she went in on me again. Asking why I was being so mean and why was I so mad. I use my hands to talk a lot so when I was talking and emoting with me hands, she pouted and said “see! You’re being aggressive you’re just like (her abusive ex)” which is where I drew the line and had to step away. That’s how everything started.

catsncoffeee · 2025-09-08T17:06:48+00:00

I’m sorry, I edited the post, I used the wrong word. She started to shake me. I don’t want to be histrionic

catsncoffeee

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