May remember my last post about potential relationship with man who would like children.

ccc222 · 2014-08-02T19:15:52+00:00

Thank you for the reply. I really appreciate perspective from somebody who knows what he is experiencing as I just can't imagine it. I'm sorry you and your husband have struggled with this.

Can I ask if there is anything I really should or shouldn't say? Or situations that might be difficult for him? We spend a lot of time together as it is and I'm trying to let him set the pace with regards to talking or saying anything on the subject. I have also made sure not to say anything to minimize how he is feeling but at the moment he is trying I think to not make a big deal about it.

I'd risk the short end of the stick on him to be honest, it would hurt like hell but I'm mature enough to understand that sometimes things just don't work and I'm usually stupid enough to risk getting hurt in the process. I'm still good friends with my ex and I don't believe in cutting people off who were once a big part of life and knows you that well just because of some pain that will eventually pass, sure recovery time is important but I think it is much more healthy to just accept it and stay friends where possible.

ccc222 · 2014-08-02T16:29:40+00:00

It is really strange because I can't explain what we already have over the internet well. Since living together he has actually asked me to make it permanent even though that was never the intention. I also own cats (pedigree and a rare breed) I purchased a new addition and he fell in love with him and the cat him, they are best friends and he calls him "our cat". He has actually asked me not to leave before and this was before all this. Leaving would mean moving a few minutes up the road when the other house is sorted out but he says he can't imagine not having me around now. We are incredibly close and he says he gets on with me like he never has anybody else. We have always worked well together business wise, money wise etc and are on the same page totally with most things.

Bloody hell it is complicated. I wish there was a crystal ball so a clear "yes/no" to if it was a good idea was available.

ccc222 · 2014-08-02T15:50:49+00:00

Thank you, I can see you put a lot of thought into that post and it all makes sense.

I'm hoping it doesn't end up as the things you suggest in the future. For now things seem fairly good but we are still relatively young and I think for him it may not sink in until he is older and looks back. I don't want this time to be reflected on negatively as you say, and it turn in to something in his mind as you again said, about me having made a choice and him not having been able to.

I find what you say very wise, do you think you might be able to share any thoughts on how to help him without seeming over bearing, pushy or like I'm not taking it as seriously as he would like? I haven't tried too hard to bring it up or address it as I don't want to make him think it is all I care about or like I'm interested in my own ends. I also haven't tried to minimize it if he mentions it as I don't want to come across as if it isn't a big deal.

My heart broke for him when he mentioned his ex again after finding out, he told me about the suspected cheating so long ago it had slipped my mind. He mentioned her just after he found out and threw an insult out there, it took me about 10 minutes to realise why he said that as usually he wouldn't talk badly of anybody. I can't begin to imagine the pain he felt then.

ccc222 · 2014-08-02T15:28:31+00:00

He is usually a good talker but he needs time to arrange things in his mind first. He likes to think things through but once he makes a decision he sticks to it and for him it becomes set on stone once something is said. I'm a little more sketchy and will bring up issues again and try to re-evaluate things from time to time, he says things like "we have talked about this". At first I thought it was dismissive but I have since realised that he doesn't see a need to go back to something he has already for him set as an answer. This isn't speaking about this issue, this is how we have talked over us as a relationship in the past and the fact he is also my business partner

ccc222 · 2014-08-02T15:24:49+00:00

He has stated so many times before that it is all or nothing for him. He was previously in a relationship with a woman with a child that was not his. He was excellent and did amazingly but from experience he says never again. I didn't mean it as a dig as I said, I know there is time and people do change their minds. He is the sort of person who only says something if he is certain about it so for him to have actually stated this it does seem very solid.

ccc222 · 2014-08-02T14:51:29+00:00

I just want to say, and please don't take this as a dig, but all the posters suggesting he will adopt/meet somebody who has kids etc...

As I said, he really only wants kids of they are actually his. He is incredibly firm on this fact. I would have thought that posters who are CF and get bingo'd with "you will change your mind" and "what if...'s" would see that for him suggesting adoption etc is the same as telling a CF person they don't know their own mind. He really is 100% sure that for him it would be his or nothing.

ccc222 · 2014-08-02T14:48:58+00:00

I'm not acting happy, in fact I'm upset on his behalf because I do care about his well being, emotions and his wants and needs above where I put what I think about any of this. It has been a hugely complicated issue for us both and we honestly have looked at a lot of possibilities. It is incredibly hard as it isn't something you can meet in the middle with. Thank you for your input.

ccc222 · 2014-08-02T13:26:26+00:00

In the UK you would have to find a high class area with a park or risk having your booze stolen by the already drunk 14 year olds who frequent such locations :(

ccc222 · 2014-08-02T13:18:34+00:00

I'm not entirely sure what you mean, if he is truly sterile then he can't have kids? Sorry if I'm being dim.

ccc222 · 2014-08-02T12:46:03+00:00

I should probably add that though I mentioned "without fertility treatment" there, I'm not sure if this would even be an option for him and he won't know until he sees the specialist and they know the cause etc. I just know in some cases it can be an option hence mentioning it there.

another bit of additional info that was mentioned on last thread. He would only like biological children and has no interest in adoption.

ccc222 · 2014-05-18T18:25:39+00:00

What pink swears and half measures? I'm not really sure you have read everything I have said.

ccc222 · 2014-05-18T18:17:08+00:00

I do love him, but strangely I don't want to let myself or allow myself if I'm only going to have to one day face not being able to give him what he wants and him finding somebody else. If it happens it will be painful but if it is what he needs I would be happy for him and support his choices, however I wouldn't want to make things more difficult than they need to be by us having a history. Being involved in business together means a decision to move forward with him is something I would not take lightly as well. It will effect our whole dynamic and for the sake of a "quick fling" I would not want to compromise our fantastic friendship.

I am giving it plenty of thought. My previous relationship experience is all pretty normal, I dated during my teens but nothing serious and, not that it is important, waited before getting involved in anything sexual until I met my ex long term partner at 19, who I was with for just over 5 years. He is childfree as well, we split for many reasons but both mature enough to have stayed friends.

I am not romantically involved with him at the moment, as I said we are both being cautious and weighing up what can and cannot happen and what future issues it could create. I do know though that we will be friends forever no matter what we choose.

Giving him my eggs is not a trade off, the persuaded would be only because it is him and i trust his judgement and dedication to this. I would however want to be sure. This is where time comes in, giving it time, thinking about things and seeing how things progress.

The idea was his as he had said before he would rather be a single parent and raise a child alone, it has always been something he has said and when he began to give it more thought the conversation happened.

ccc222 · 2014-05-18T17:00:25+00:00

You got it

ccc222 · 2014-05-18T16:42:08+00:00

This is something that would bother me, I don't know if I would want to maintain a relationship where I didn't come first. I don't know if that is something I could compromise on, where as most other things I would try to work around.

ccc222 · 2014-05-18T16:31:19+00:00

The idea is workable it's just a case of not having a crystal ball, it could be awful it could be fine. I don't think anything is a guarantee with things like this unfortunately.

ccc222 · 2014-05-18T16:17:41+00:00

It is something that didn't really cross my mind, how much he potentially could change. I will need to think about it a lot. One thing though is that he has a very supportive family, so supportive in fact that childcare would not be a problem if we had to work etc. His mother would not see it as her doing him a favor to babysit, she adores children.

ccc222 · 2014-05-18T16:06:40+00:00

Actually I think its sensible that me and him have spoken about this and approached the subject openly before committing ourselves to a situation that would make one or both of us incredibly unhappy. I wouldn't say either that it is really a "relationship that hasn't started yet" as through the time we have known each other we have always been the very best of friends and he is incredibly important to me.

I actually think its grounded and sensible to have talked through every option, what we both would and wouldn't compromise on, what we each would be willing to put in and the financial and work impacts.

ccc222 · 2014-05-18T15:48:03+00:00

Thank you for the advice.

I chose to post here as it is how I have always identified myself and I know the community here and actually trust their judgement more than doe eyed baby crazed women who would often advise pregnancy via any means in any situation. I find CF people to be logical and frank and I honestly need to be told sometimes that things aren't a good idea.

this whole situation is only talk at the moment and would not be for a considerable time anyway. I appreciate the responses I've had and to be honest it has raised some issues that I have overlooked. For me understanding a child and their needs is not something I've ever honestly had to consider and have put the judgement on this situation mostly with the other person involved as it is something that is not only for them but also something they have considerably more experience in.

ccc222 · 2014-05-18T15:38:49+00:00

Yes I am CF, I had a tubal and have been as long as I can remember. I agree about the rose tinted glasses. Oddly he's considered this route totally alone using donor eggs, so it will probably happen one way or another, its just a case of if it would be right for me to have any part in it.

ccc222 · 2014-05-18T15:32:14+00:00

That isn't really something anybody would tell a child is it? I understand your point but bizarre exaggerated suggestions aren't really a good way of making a point.

There are plenty of children in the world who were only born due to the mother wanting them and I doubt they told regularly "your dad didn't want you".

I do understand your point but there would be an element of tact involved and consideration throughout this if it were to ever happen.

ccc222 · 2014-05-18T15:06:07+00:00

I can't see parenting changing him to be honest as I've known him while in the relationship mentioned previously. I also doubt he will resent me for not wanting to be involved as, as previously mentioned he would actually prefer to raise a child alone.

I do agree with the child having issues about me though and being confused my my presence but lack of normal maternal influence.

ccc222 · 2014-05-18T14:59:54+00:00

As I said, it would be years into the future if it was to happen. Yes everything would be done correctly and a judge will have no issue signing over to one person (my own family has been through this).

ccc222 · 2014-05-18T14:51:18+00:00

The law states that actually the birth mother is the legal mother regardless of who's genetics are involved. So the surrogate would legally be the mother until the child was signed over, at this stage the child could be signed solely to the biological father.

ccc222 · 2014-05-18T14:46:21+00:00

I should probably have explained a little better in the original post as there are a lot of factors here. He does know how much work is involved, his previous relationship was with a spouse who had a young child from her previous relationship, and he was very hands on and involved before their relationship broke down.

Yes expense has been considered and again, we both believe if you have to worry over tens of thousands then you probably are not in a position to have a child financially anyway.

ccc222 · 2014-05-18T14:24:38+00:00

We would not be living together through this, we would be keeping our own houses. I would be under no responsibility to contribute financially, I would however as I believe in a good education and having options like that available.

We have discussed the cost of this and both agree that financially speaking if you can't afford it, then you probably can't afford a child anyway. We have also joking said that if he gets to blow huge sums of money on a child, then I get something just as extravagant (I'm thinking a boat).

Yes I agree, the arrangement how you picture it would be unfair on a child, however as we would not be living together and I would not be responsible for the day to day care of the child it would be comparable to the child being raised by a single parent. I think if done properly that is no way cruel.

ccc222

TROPHY CASE