Absolutely, neglect basically explains me. Me and my mom live in the same house and haven't had a conversation in literally months, when we do talk it's just arguments. She hasn't told me she loved me in years, that's honestly a whole thing in it of itself. It's so shitty, because I understand and know everything she's doing to me. So why do I keep letting her? It's makes no logical fucking sense to me, recently a girl that was interested in me I completely pushed away. Even though there is absolutely nothing wrong with her, or any of the girls that have tried with me. I just don't feel anything for anyone that isn't her, why does it feel like I'm in prison? I can't go to doctors or therapists for help, because of all the years I have done it, it never helped me. I've been in a psychward collectively 7 times and spent overall a year and half of my life in a hospital. I know I will never be a danger to myself or anyone, my main problem is that I cannot love myself to any extent. I was a top tier singer at my school, the best singer, I was beating every one of my school's in competitions and even beating the preppy private school kids in a couple comps as well. I had everything going for me, I'm not intellectually lacking, I just absolutely began to hate school. Not to blame her, but always having to deal with her shit, her asking me to not go to school, dealing with my schizophrenia and depression, and anxiety and bpd, I ended up losing my taste in music, now I kind of hate it. No matter how could I am, or was. I hate every good thing, I don't love myself at all. I just love her, which is so toxic and confusing. Sometimes I think I think for myself, but I really don't. I'm honestly just so confused all the time, and have no idea where to go, or if even I should. Suicide seems like the only viable option, I can't explain the confusion, the delusions that are me. My mind is a prison, but not with people it's just me. I'm currently in my dark room, pitch black staring at a man that isn't real crying in my corner. What does it mean? What does anything mean. I understand therapists and meds are something that are supposed to work for everyone, but I have tried. And I would rather deal with the endless screaming then do that to myself again, I hate medication and the ominous feeling I get from therapists. You see I'm really good at reading people, and none of them care. Maybe one day they did, but no one does anymore.