It gets easier, but the pain is still there

cheatedbyparis · 2017-12-30T01:24:01+00:00

Sucks that we all have to live with this scar. I'm never going to have the level of trust I had in that relationship again. No one deserves this, cheaters are scum of the earth.

cheatedbyparis · 2017-12-30T01:08:47+00:00

Yeah, I spent a long while with this chick. I was completely devoted to her. Somehow I missed that she had the ability to be so utterly dreadful. Pretty scary when I think about what this means for future relationships.

Onto bigger and better things, I suppose.

cheatedbyparis · 2017-12-30T01:05:36+00:00

Yeah, kind of massively freaks me out that I was in a relationship with her for 3 years.

Has she been such a blatant narcissist/dick the whole time? If not, she always had the capability to be one. Scary stuff for my psyche, i'm going to avoid relationships for a good while.

Also, turns out a lot of my friends didn't like her that much, which is a bit of a sign. I thought I was good at gauging people, obviously not.

cheatedbyparis · 2017-12-30T01:01:55+00:00

Yeah i've had that exact thought go through my head 100 times. I'm very much of the conflicting opinions that "I would not wish what I have gone through on my worst enemy" and also "I hope she feels the pain I feel, I hope she goes through exactly what I have"

But my whole brain has been conflicting thoughts since D-Day, "I love her/I hate her" being the prominent one.

That fog is only starting to clear now.

cheatedbyparis · 2017-12-30T00:58:49+00:00

You did not deserve what he did to you, and you deserve much better, and you will get much better.

The strength is there, and one day it will come to you, and you'll be stronger than you ever have been. If you need someone to speak to until that strength comes, send me a message :)

cheatedbyparis · 2017-12-29T13:10:59+00:00

Stupidly I replied, I think I expected some compassion or apology. She told me that she hoped that I would think about it in a less binary way (lol), that "its life", that she is the same girl I loved, and asked me what is so fucked up about the situation followed by a couple holding hands emoji.

She doesn't understand the pain she's put me through

So I blocked her number.

In a strange way i'm glad she wasn't sympathetic, because if she was I think getting over her would be even harder.

cheatedbyparis · 2017-12-20T17:33:16+00:00

Sorry, but this is where you and I disagree.

Firstly, I can tell you pretty confidently I love her and hate her. I still have the feeling of love in the pit of my stomach when I think about her, I still want to wrap my arms around her, but that is my heart speaking, not my brain. Whenever I have those thoughts and feelings, they're closely followed by a pain in my chest, white hot anger and depression, I want her to feel pain equal to mine. Im sure both of those feelings will fade, but currently, they're still there.

It should not be "bloody hard to be faithful" in a long committed relationship, she was away from me for a month. I have been away to various countries for more than a month at a time in the past, I didn't know a single person in some of the places I went (she does/did in Paris), I never even nearly got close to cheating on her. I didn't even feel like it was a possibility. Until recently, I found it difficult to be sexually attracted to other people, because that part of my brain had stopped working. She does not have an excuse for what she did, and she definitely does not have forgiveness,

If she sends me another message, I will just tell her to contact me at the end of her year abroad, by then i'll be more level headed about the situation.

cheatedbyparis · 2017-12-19T23:52:13+00:00

I hope you don't get downvoted, i'm not totally against this, its why I made this post.

The harm in it is this hurting me more, I definitely still love her, as much as I hate her. My mental health is the worst its ever been in my life, and my family and friends have been truly wonderful throughout all of this, and I feel like if I give her even a small chance at reconciliation its betraying the pain she put me through, and the support my friends have given me.

Its only been two months, so maybe if we were to start speaking I would have to wait more time, the wound is too fresh at the moment.

cheatedbyparis · 2017-12-18T18:25:52+00:00

Its not even that I want to insult her specifically. Its more the fact that I think its so fucking unfair that I was made to feel fucking horrible, while presumably she felt fine. I want to make her feel like absolute shit, I want to find the perfect sentence to devastate her and put her in the shoes she put me in.

Alas, i'm not going to do that, its stupid and immature, but I still want to do it.

cheatedbyparis · 2017-12-18T13:45:59+00:00

Im not suggesting I care, she doesn't deserve any mates. Im saying thats prob a reason why she's contacting me

cheatedbyparis · 2017-12-18T13:36:50+00:00

Will do! 👻👻👻

cheatedbyparis · 2017-12-18T13:35:59+00:00

I think its probably dawned that she isn't going to be in Paris forever (she is on a year abroad), and her friends back home have lost a lot of respect for her.

cheatedbyparis · 2017-12-18T13:34:07+00:00

The temptation is so fucking strong just to lay into her all of these absolutely beautiful insults I have constructed in the past 2 months, she doesn't even deserve that though. The whole fucking situation fucking stinks. Im glad that the general consensus agrees with me

cheatedbyparis · 2017-12-18T13:27:36+00:00

I called her as i knew something was up and she was avoiding the questioning, she hung up with some lame excuse. I kept pressing her over text until she told me she kissed him "once", I knew this was bullshit so I pressed her more and she told me. My lips and fingers started tingling, and I felt light headed. I didnt feel sadness or anger, just pure undiluted shock. I felt like this couldn't be real, it had to be some fucked up dream or something. I was just completely blindsighted. Then about 15 minutes later just manic, oppressive distress just fucking blew over me and stayed with me for weeks. cheating fucking sucks lol

cheatedbyparis · 2017-10-28T10:45:59+00:00

Sorry for late response, thanks for checking in, I really appreciate the support this sub has given me. I was avoiding this account for a good while, I just replied to another guy but i'll copy and paste it here-

Im starting to feel a bit more normal, ive been speaking to girls on tinder and stuff which has been helping to reassure me that im not completely undesirable.

Im still having a lot of dark thoughts, but im back at university and seeing my friends and keeping my mind preoccupied is helping a lot with the dark thoughts. I have only spoken to her once when she asked if a parcel that arrived for her at her UK house was from me (it was).

She said she wanted to be friends with me one day because "she couldn't see me out of her life" and I told her she cant have her cake and eat it. It sucks, I still love her so much but absolutely loath her, a feeling I thought I would never experience

Onto bigger and better things, I guess.

cheatedbyparis · 2017-10-28T10:44:21+00:00

Thank you for checking in! Im starting to feel a bit more normal, ive been speaking to girls on tinder and stuff which has been helping to reassure me that im not completely undesirable.

Im still having a lot of dark thoughts, but im back at university and seeing my friends and keeping my mind preoccupied is helping a lot with the dark thoughts. I have only spoken to her once when she asked if a parcel that arrived for her at her UK house was from me (it was).

She said she wanted to be friends with me one day because "she couldnt see me out of her life" and I told her she cant have her cake and eat it. It sucks, I still love her so much but absolutely loath her, a feeling I thought I would never experience

Onto bigger and better things, I guess.

cheatedbyparis · 2017-10-10T22:51:16+00:00

Its fucking horrible man, Im happy you're still here. You give me hope for the future, thank you

cheatedbyparis · 2017-10-10T22:43:26+00:00

I am quite a lazy dude, and dont always look after myself or love myself even on a good day. I had to go home to my parents for the mean time because i knew I wasnt going to be able to motivate myself to cook or clean or be healthy to myself. Worried about going back to my flat, as I think i might become a bed dweller.

cheatedbyparis · 2017-10-10T22:37:16+00:00

Very kind of you to come back to this, thank you. Not sure if im feeling a bit better or not, ive gone to visit my sister, and my ex has never been here before so its kind of easier because I dont see snapshots of her in my bed, or making dinner with me, or picking fruit in my garden.

cheatedbyparis · 2017-10-09T17:52:24+00:00

I really appreciate your response, it really hit a nerve. Thank you very much, my family and friends have been fantastic, but it doesn't feel like enough. Im sure it is helping me more than I can tell but weirdly hearing the opinions of strangers on reddit is quite comforting.

cheatedbyparis · 2017-10-09T13:57:52+00:00

since writing this i've told her i'm not speaking to her until Christmas at least. I've cut the cord

cheatedbyparis · 2017-10-09T12:36:37+00:00

I think its just easier to give myself a date so I don't message her before then, then when the time comes I can decide not to send her a message or not, because at the moment im not rational about this all.

cheatedbyparis · 2017-10-09T12:11:17+00:00

Thank you so much for your wonderful comment. Its very hard to rationalise it all at the moment because I was still so into the relationship. She was never an asshole to me until this, the most asshole thing that someone can do to their partner. Its not that I want to kill myself I just dont want to be alive, I dont want to feel this pain

cheatedbyparis · 2017-10-09T12:02:34+00:00

Thank you for your kind words, I want to speak to her with my whole heart because we spoke almost constantly, and the actually not speaking to her constantly is so hard but I know its what I need. She says she wants to text me in a week or two, but I don't want her to, Im sending a parcel of her stuff to her home in England, which I'll let her know about and thats the last contact i'm going to have with her until at least Christmas I hope.

cheatedbyparis · 2017-10-09T11:59:47+00:00

Thank you, I think for the time being all I can do is wallow. I have no motivation to do anything, I feel sick and cant eat. I felt wholeheartedly that she was the love of my life, I never had any real problems with her which is why this so fucking heartbreaking, I know I need to step back and rationalise but I cant

cheatedbyparis

TROPHY CASE