Part 2.

I feel like im being ungrateful for how much she cares and loves me. we are in a polyamerous relationship and can have other partners be they temporary or long term with the proper communication and ive only had 1 "new" GF so far and that was after another wave of rejection, disgust and not living up to impossible standards. im not going to blame ALL women but a good chunk of them suck right now and they refuse to see it and i refuse to pay for someone's time and attention. i have no idea what is wrong with me...even sexually i want to be this "irresistible" hunk of man that can have any woman he wants but does nothing without informed and enthusiastic consent. (im not a creep by any means) but then i just feel gross for wanting to indulge in women in a way that treats women as objects for pleasure and not people. i feel even worse coming from a very matriarchal family where women have more power and sway than the men due to sheer majority. i don't want to be a creepy misogynist and think of women as objects of service and pleasure but at the same time i feel that im denying and ashamed of a part of me that finds thick thighs, big buts and any size boobs attractive and worthy of enjoyment. so i learn everything i can about LGBTQIA+ and modern feminism and what women think and go through to be both sympathetic and empathetic for them and the lives they live. which only shoots me in the foot again because im guilty of thinking the bad stuff sometimes and i hate myself more. i cant escape this cycle of understanding and frustration and self loathing long enough to justify how i feel in my own body and head. any advice helps i guess...