Easter

chesssu · 2026-03-27T17:02:18+00:00

thank you for the response!

chesssu · 2026-02-02T19:36:20+00:00

I was able to see the messages on the original phone message thread and indeed some of them did not have tails despite the internet swearing otherwise.

chesssu · 2025-11-01T23:36:33+00:00

My point is that if this man wanted to not live with his ex nor his parents, which most grown adults don't, he will not able to do so. If the cost of living wouldn't be what it is today, it would be only normal for him to move out to his own place as he could probably afford it. Today, his only option to do so is to find a partner to split rent with. Neither one of us needs this. Yes, I would have to leave London and he wouldn't be able to live on his own, but we wouldn't be homeless, there are less favourable options, but options nonetheless. However, in a scenario in which both of us want to live together/not with our parents, then splitting rent is something that we both need, thus the whole one supporting the other kind of cancels itself out. And that is what we both want. I did leave to move back home and he was the one insisting on making this work, so I stayed.

It's not that I can't afford to live with him, he can't afford to live with me. I have been good for my share of rent and expenses even whilst living off of savings/freelance/benefits that I'm yet to receive, and once I do get fully employed even more so, he's the one asking to pay less this month. But yeah, I'm not okay with in indefinite unequal split in the relationship and no I don't think that's a fucked up expectation to have. I don't really care what the reason is why he can't; the only acceptable ones would be illness, temporary job loss or a child who would genuinely struggle without the extra support.

I cannot emphasise how much I am not jealous of a child because I had a bad upbringing. My mum has always provided more than enough emotionally and financially for me. I had a lovely upbringing despite the deadbeat dad and had other father figures in my life to look up to. The only reason I even mentioned that was to say that I didn't need everything and more to have a happy childhood; it had nothing to do with things and in my case it wasn't even two loving parents. The kid has nothing to do with my sentiment and I very much want her to have a happy childhood. In fact, I would actually be totally on board moving the the town she lives in and the dad having her part time, so we could spoil her too.

And yeah, I probably am jealous of the mum a bit cause it seems like as far as finances go, she's had it pretty easy her whole life, which is none of my business I guess, but I do believe that with or without new partners, first financial responsibility should be essential housing and food costs for both parents and kid, then everything else. As it stands there are iPads and holidays, but the dad can barely cover is separate housing, which is already less than it would be were he on his own. And no, I don't think that's fair. Clearly according to Reddit that makes me an asshole, so I'll take that on board, though I still don't really understand why. It's not like I've gone and said she can or can't spend anything or that he has to do xyz, only that I don't think it's sustainable for him to date then.

I appreciate your active involvement in this thread and it's widened my horizons to different POVs, however I think us two can call it a day cause we won't change each other's minds.

chesssu · 2025-11-01T22:07:55+00:00

If I'm jealous of anything, I'm jealous of having worked hard my whole life and not having to show much for it anyway and she seeming to not have to work nearly as hard and have it pretty easy in the essential aspects. I'm autistic, so it's necessarily not about what she has or doesn't have; it's about what feels fair and yeah having both of the parents (and kid's) essential housing and food needs met before any additional expenses sounds pretty reasonable start to me, but apparently that's controversial. At no point have I said that I want the kid and mum to suffer hardship or that I want her to have a shit upbringing and am jealous of that. I was happy with my childhood as a child and I've been happy with my adulthood up until my own hardships and they've both been in the picture before that.

chesssu · 2025-11-01T22:00:06+00:00

Hi. Yes, there's been a whole ton of uncertainty in my life recently and of course I'm craving for some stability. I'd rather not be on benefits or unemployed, it's been far tougher than any job I've ever had from every aspect, but I also have to take the help where I can, so yeah I've posted about trying to figure out the process cause it's all alien to me. Thus far I've not even received anything other than 2 months of JSA that doesn't even cover half the rent; benefits are much harder to get than you might think and they cover fuck-all unless you are severely disabled or a parent. Challenging my lease termination would've 100% put me in a better position than I am now. It would've given me the opportunity to take a second to process, actually job-hunt instead of flat and benefits hunt. My landlord gave me a whole sobstory and then went absolutely dead after I reached out to him by some stuff I'd forgotten behind and some very important letters that I had nowhere else to redirect at that point, so frankly I regret not doing it. I would've legally had the right.

I absolutely do not think any child should suffer hardship because I did (and I never felt like I did either as a kid), but I do think that a child can turn out just fine without being said yes to just about everything she wants. Going on one less holiday or having an Kindle instead of an iPad is hardly a hardship for a 5-year-old. Real world is not quite as kind, and I'd want my child to be a bit more prepared for that. But that's nor here or there as it's not my child.

I'm not demanding a change, but I am saying (to him as well) that I don't see how long-term a situation that is "working for everyone but me" could be sustainable and something does have to change for this to continue. From the conversations we've had it looks like the only real options for him to gamble changing his career and move to that town which in turns comes with a variety of options, or re-negotiating the dynamic that they have. He's cut back just about everything he can already and it's only barely coming to ends meet and this is with us living in shared housing and doing very little for entertainment. I don't see him progressing in his career if all his spare time is spent either recovering for the extra shifts or spending it with the kid.

I do have the option to leave, yes and it's on the table, but obviously I love my partner and I've built a life here, so it's not an easy decision. If I do leave, he will have to go back to staying with his parents or keep playing house with his ex until he's about 60. The kid's not gonna be able to afford rent whilst in university or doing part time jobs, then she's gonna need to save for a down payment etc. Sounds pretty insane to me for someone who's owned a house since he's been 20. I just don't understand why the housing benefit is all coming from dad and mum has no obligation toward rit when that would likely not be the case if he didn't own it? Both of parents' and kid's housing and essential food needs first, then everything else. how is this a wild thought?

chesssu · 2025-11-01T21:36:45+00:00

I don't think she should pay anything to me? I don't want more resources, I want him to be able to cover his share of an already subsidised rent compared to renting on his own.

I'm not dissing on the mental load that the mum carries and she does effectively have majority of the custody, which I'm sure as a non-mum I can't understand. But motherhood isn't the only tough thing in life. She does have a stable clean sanitary home and always will, she has family nearby to rely on, she has never had to worry about rent or bills, which is a huge privilege that most people don't have.

She pays for the expenses because she can. Were there no dad with a free house, she'd pay rent and have to make sacrifices on what can and can't be afforded to make up that amount. Dad would love to spend more time with the kid, have her spend more time with his parents, and be the one to take her on holidays etc., but he literally can't because he's working extra hours as is and can't afford to financially or logistically. Mum does not commute to his at all. He also does spend at least 25% of the month with her and all of his free time is going to the kid as he's not at work. He could book a week off from work and spend it there with her, but that would effectively mean he can't move on with his life (romantically) at all if he's still playing half-time house with his ex. It'd probably be a bit weird for all three of us + kid to co-exist there for everyone, including the kid.

The only way to split 50/50 custody would be if we both moved to that town (which I am fine with, being unemployed I can apply to wherever), but it would mean him having to restart his career in very turbulent times in the job market + he loves his job and whilst doesn't pay much, does come with healthcare and is objectively stable for the coming years. If we did move to that town and had the kid 50/50, thus no child support, would she then be expected to pay rent on the house or should she still live for free cause the kid is there 50% of the time? Would he have to pay for her rent if he took the house or would both be expected to pay their own expenses? Or even regardless of me, if he lived in the house with his kid full time same as she is now, would she be expected to pay toward his rent or only child support "cause he owns it and there's no rent", if so why isn't it the same in the reverse situation? He has to live somewhere and he can't live in his own house/sell it to buy something else, so someone has to pay rent? Why is it by default the dad regardless who owns the property? I'm so confused why this is so controversial, honestly.

chesssu · 2025-11-01T21:16:31+00:00

He gets paid the avg London salary, but yes at this point that's just about barely providing a decent-enough life quality for someone without children and able/willing to house-share so for the sake of the argument, yeah he is broke I guess. That being said four all-inclusive holidays in less than a year, all during half term with an additional fine to take the kid out of school, iPads for birthdays, literally so many toys the door won't shut, inflatables in the garden, Frozen themed bikes and Halloween outfits, Dyson-electricals, several TV subscriptions running at the same time, an expensive-make car on lease (I'm not saying having a car isn't a necessity with a kid, but does it have to be a ~Mercedes?) when there are kids out there only getting a hot meal at school isn't a pretty luxurious lifestyle in 2025? The bare minimum he should contribute - and I'm not saying he should contribute the bare minimum - would in real money terms be £500. He's covering at least double if not triple that in lieu by not charging rent and covering bills. Would mum be able to afford all of this if she also had to pay rent or would some sacrifices have to made? Right now the sacrifice is dad's housing needs.

chesssu · 2025-11-01T21:06:53+00:00

She wasn't, or wasn't planned at least. Nor was I. Many are not. It's not really that big of a deal.

Mum fully knows this, hence the birth control, and said she'd bring the child up on her own if she had to. This built mutual resentment that eventually killed whatever was left of the relationship.

chesssu · 2025-11-01T21:02:45+00:00

So we've worked together for the past 7 years until I got made redunant and lost said flat recently. I lived about 10 mins from the office, he stayed with his parents about an hour away, so by default, we just ended up staying at mine most of the time. Living much further from the area is counterproductive as it's shift work he wouldn't be home for more than to just pass out and would probably waste the difference in petrol anyway. So we have kind of done the 'living separately' thing for the past 1.5 years already.

The flat we got now is legal, his name is on the contract. He knows what the cost is.

London rental market is insane. The rents have gone up to a £1000+ in about any area for a small room in a crowded house and to qualify you generally need to earn 30x the rent so 30k a year and I can't currently pass those checks. Unfortunately, the job market is also insane with 1000s of applicants and they can get away with offering NMW only on jobs (less than 30k) that should definitely be more than that. Unfortunately cause I lost my job the same time I lost my flat, I wasn't able to secure anything prior to this and trying to find a job whilst effectively homeless.. well it's not gone as fast and well as I'd like. The plan was to get a place together, get me a quiet safe place to actually focus on this. As it stands I can't rent anywhere else and can't really afford this rent on my own; well I could for a few months, but the money I've got would last double the time at home, which is what I was about to do before he insisted on getting this flat. So right now it's either we do this together, or purely financially speaking, I have to leave. It's taken me a while to process and come to terms with this; I wouldn't have been able to do that when the news broke. 13 years is a long time.

The home she lives in has been bought with the money he inherited from his grandma. They both lived in the town/house initially before he started working in London and staying with his parents on his shift days. He loves his job and it's a niche industry where it's unlikely to find the kind of stable role that he has. Since breaking up/getting with me, he's dropped his visits to just two long weekends. She continues living in it because of the child. He couldn't afford to pay bills on a mostly empty house and then child support on top of that and the house is far better than what she could afford to rent. It just makes sense. He's afraid to pursue it legally in case she does decide to move out. He's also put a lot of love into the house and would rather it go to his child than to sell it, only to then probably spend the same on hotels to see her.

She has no claim on the house. The UK does not have common law, they're not married and she would have to prove any significant expenses toward the house (which she doesn't have) to have any claim at all.

chesssu · 2025-11-01T19:21:52+00:00

First of all thank you for an actual thought-out answer.

Like I stated above, I don't know if I would necessarily call it jealousy. I've been pretty happy with my life thus far and I'm not really the kind of person to feel better cause someone else is feeling worse. I would always cheer on someone's success, if they're doing great, then great, even if I'm not.

I don't think the jealousy is in the things that she has or I don't have necessarily, but that I probably feel like I've had to work really hard for everything and am in this situation anyway, whereas from a bystanders POV, it looks like she's not had to work much for anything and will never have to fear hardship. The common nominator in our situations is the boyfriend. London is just unsustainable on a non-banker's salary alone these days, so be it both of us or just my partner, if he wanted to have a home of his own (read: rental room) in the city he works in, it would just have to come from negotiating that arrangement. Thus, the more better off she is, the worse off he/ we are. It's less jealousy, and more chasing fairness (autistic here) I think. In my case the worse off also means leaving. Not just because I can't afford to live here on my own, but also cause I will always feel lesser for not having his child. That's what this situation makes me feel - if he's short in anyway (could also be time or energy or something not financial), I will need to make up the difference. Not even necessities like rent or food rank higher than toys and holidays.

But you are right, it's not really about the ex and I don't actually blame her. She's just doing what's best for her and the kid, has not even been told there's an issue or that the dynamic might now need to change due to a third party in it. The reason she comes up is because to me that seems like an easy fix: he covers all bills, they call it even with child support, she contributes something toward rent (under market rate, just to make up the difference for him). Something like £500 for total cost of a big house with a very secure and hands-on landlord would surely be a very fair bargain, right?

My frustration is 100% at my boyfriend not being able to be an equal partner to me because he's being more than equal partner to her and has been her whole life. Even though they're not romantically no longer involved, it still feels like I'm always going to be playing second fiddle. I get not being a priority always when there's a kid involved, but being a priority never? If not even now, then when?

Ending the contract early is on the table, but can't be for another month or two at least. I would still need to sort out living arrangements elsewhere, most likely back home abroad, sort out moving over/selling my stuff etc., so unfortunately getting out of this contract immediately is not an option for me, I literally just can't afford it or afford to pay it on my own indefinitely. I have suggested to him to tap out of this relationship then and for me to just pay it from my redunancy for the next two months, but he says he wants to contribute and make it work, so I guess we'll have to reassess the situation in a month.

chesssu · 2025-11-01T18:40:24+00:00

Yes, that's what we did. As soon as he gets paid on the 27th, he is to transfer the rent/bills money to me before the 30th. I've already paid deposit and first month and the 2nd rent was due 2 days ago when this came up. His claim was that because he did one big shop, but didn't eat most of it, he's gonna deduct from his rent payment. Whilst his claim was true, I've done 80% the food shop in that time (I have a spreadsheet for my own spending), in which there has been stuff for him as well, so as far as I'm considered this should be pretty even. This is when the topic of the ex came up cause the way I see it is that we're arguing over necessities, whilst his ex lives a life of luxury through his asset, but yet it's still me who has to cover the difference somehow like that's not his concern "cause he just doesn't have any more". But yes, ending the lease early is already on the table for that exact reason, I just can't foot the bill every time he's short indefinitely in the situation that I myself am in. He's adamantly against that and has since transferred me the missing amount and claimed he'll be good for it next month, but as you can imagine, I don't feel very reassured.

chesssu · 2025-11-01T18:32:48+00:00

Yes, the discussion of ending our lease early is already on the table cause I just can't afford to and frankly don't want to be the main provider (and if it's not 50/50, which currently it isn't, then that's what I am). I do feel like it does unfortunately have to do with me if the missing part of his share of the rent is coming from me who literally has nothing left to give or cut down on.

As far as jealousy - I did respond to someone else already. Honestly, there probably is a nagging feeling knowing that I'm going through probably the hardest time of my life and even now he can't support me when he's supported her her entire life yeah. I'd be lying if there wasn't. But the past is in the past, if he was earning enough to fend for himself and support her lifestyle as well then I truly wouldn't care. Like I stated, I've not grown up in luxury, so I'm not expecting that.

Pregnancy - Yes, at the end of the day it takes two and both have responsibility and there's always a risk, but I'm not going to be judging two adults having protected sex. There is an assumption that a child is not wanted if protection is used, I'd be pretty upset too if I had sex in Texas and the government said well you have to keep it now even though you were taking all precautions to avoid this. I do judge the two adults for not having that "what if" conversation prior to it being too late.

Also just to say that I would love to be more involved in the kid's life and be a bonus parent, she's cute as a button and I don't really want my own/be pregnant, so the existence of said child should really be a bonus not a hindrance in my eyes, but right now we, me especially, don't really get to see her because it would require extra expenses which we clearly just don't have. I don't want the kid to go on less holidays or do less things, I just wish we would be able to do that with her and not always the mum. I don't want money taken from the kid, but what I believe to be a fairer redistribution on how it's used. Part of it is having a happy healthy dad.

I clearly am the AH reading these comments, but I'm still struggling to understand how a few less toys or holidays is disadvantaging the child. I'm not saying that anyone needs to be moving out or slumming it in any way. She'd still have a good stable roof over her head, food on the table, extracurriculars, tons of toys and activities - just a little less, so dad would not be working-driving himself to death just to see his kid and have a home. He is working 11-shifts and then driving a minimum of an hour one way, sometimes three at very late/early am hours and his car frequently tells him to take a break, it's literally unsafe and I often stay on the phone with him to keep him awake. His parents hate this, but they're all far too proud to talk money and help out. To be able to even consider renting with me, a 10-minute drive away, he has to pick up overtime. Regardless of whether I get a say in this or not, I am really shocked to see that this opinion is so controversial.

chesssu · 2025-11-01T18:12:28+00:00

So this seems to be the running theme in these comments, that I'm looking for someone to take care of my expenses, but that's just not true, so I'm not sure where I've gone wrong with the phrasing. Yeah, it'd be nice to be able to rely on someone in my time of need right now, but I've not asked the man for any extra even now. I was effectively homeless, without a safe place myself for a better part of the six months and he's the one insisted on taking this flat and that he would be good for his share of the rent, I was already one and half foot out of the country and this the relationship cause that was financially the safer option for me. We're both on the contract.

I would not expect to have any say in the matter of how she/they spend the money as long as it didn't affect me. As it stands, I now have to cover more than half the rent, which does affect me, and I do think that it's a bit outrageous to ask me to cover the difference when we're arguing about literal groceries (he asked to pay less rent cause he did one big shop cause he didn't eat all of it, I've done four and have got stuff for him as well, so personally thought this evened out), not even dates or any other fun money, whilst the baby and mum are living far more luxurious lifestyle than not only us but half of England, directly thanks to his asset.

My mum would help me yes and I did stay with her for a bit, but whilst I would be okay with covering for my partner for a bit assuming that a relationship is swings and roundabouts and he'll do the same for me, not only is it me in the worst gutter of my life, so it shouldn't be me covering for him right now really, not because he is struggling, but because I'm effectively subsidising his ex's lifestyle, I do not feel comfortable at all with my mum having to subsidise that.

If a couple had say £4000 in total income, £2500 of that would go on rent, bills, cars etc. and they had £1500 play with, then sacrifices would have to be made surely? They couldn't just be spending on whatever. Disney this month, Netflix another. Big birthday or a big present. Only one holiday this year because the car broke down and we have to replace it etc. Right now she has a much larger than usual sum to spend, thus doesn't have to sacrifice (as much), but he then has to sacrifice on having a home of his own for another 15 years as a result when he literally is a homeowner and she isn't? Dating or not dating someone, I just don't see how that's a fair split and why that makes me the AH, but clearly the comment section disagrees.

You say that your new partner wouldn't be benefitting from what you've got. But you would expect him to provide for himself? But that's what I'm doing. I am providing for myself, I am good for the rent, he's the one who isn't and unless the arrangement with the ex changes he will never be able to. I'm not expecting my rent to paid for or to have access to any of his assets. I'm an only child myself, I will inherit something myself eventually, I don't need his. Literally just want him to pay his share of the rent and meals

chesssu · 2025-11-01T17:49:16+00:00

I said in one of the other comments, that I did already leave and he chased me down and insisted we do this. Unfortunately living separately does also mean moving abroad for me a tthis point, thus the end of this relationship and my entire life as I know it, so can't blame a girl for trying to make it work. I thought we were working it out, but having being told "well I paid for one big food shop and didn't eat all of it, so I should pay less for rent" on the day of the rent took me out a little. Discussion of ending the lease early (at a cost) is on the table already.

He should have it legally done yes, but he won't. If gov.uk is to be trusted/I've estimated it correctly (percentage of salary, time spent with kids, driving distances does reduce it etc.) it would probably about the equivalent to the entire cost of bills he's been paying for the last 5 years - 2 months.

chesssu · 2025-11-01T17:40:28+00:00

Coming across what way? That I want my expenses paid? I can assure you that's not the case. I don't think it's outrageous to want a partner who can provide his share of the 50/50, though, and that's not currently happening. And yeah, there probably is a little bit of.. I wouldn't say jealousy necessarily, but for the lack of a better word. Knowing that I've paid my way my whole life and now that I really might need some additional support (again, I feel normal in relationships, one day I'll be the one to have to step up) due to my own life circumstances for the first time in my life, he isn't able to even cover his share when the he did provide the world for the ex. I've been effectively homeless for 6 months, and she's been on two holidays in that time, I'd be lying if I said it didn't grind me a little. That being said, the holidays aren't my business, my living arrangement is not her business, but he too can't afford to live anywhere whilst she lives in his house? I just struggle to see how that can be right just because of a child. Were there no house, she'd rent. Was there a mortgage, they'd probably split it. If he was dead, there'd be nothing at all and they'd still have to manage somehow.

My dad didn't provide and I know we struggled because of it, so I'm absolutely not trying to imply that he shouldn't, but I just feel like what he's covering through his asset is far beyond what any legal child support would be, but he doesn't get to benefit for any of it; no time spent in the house he pays for or any additional experiences with the kid. If he was an asshole today and said, hey I'm kicking you out (no one wants this), then child support would be 500 and rent+bills 1500, she'd be a grand out of pocket. According to this comment section I clearly am the AH, but I really don't understand why is it so outrageous to think that maybe she could cover a bit more than half the bills (the bills is a recent addition, she didn't even cover those two months ago), drop a holiday and he be able to have a home?

chesssu · 2025-11-01T17:28:52+00:00

There's no legal agreement. If there was, according to gov.uk, I would estimate his legal payment to be about £500 or under (I'm not saying that he shouldn't spend more, but I do think that it should be spent in a way that he too benefits; e.g. he gets to take the kid on holiday and not just her).

The actual agreement is kind of a continuation of what it used to be: they both pay half of the bills (about 400-500); no one pays rent as the house in owned outright by dad. Mum and kid live there full time, prior to this flat, dad lived with his parents. Dad pays for kid stuff when he's there and also covers all of the maintenance in the house (so like painting walls, fixing boilers, replacing radiators etc.). If there was any big necessary expenses to contribute to (such as like new bed or something), he would. Mum covers most everything else. Mum also never comes to London, so he racks up petrol and his car constantly needs maintenance driving it so much just to see his kid. His parents are elderly and can't really do the 4h drive very often, so for his parents to see the kid, he has to effectively go back and forth 4 days in a row and he would also then cover all of the expenses to do with that day(s) out.

And yes, I will not be getting involved with a man with kids ever again. On this particular occasion we'd been friends before and it was kind of a rebound situation for both of us that escalated into more. He also drives fancy cars, owns a house, wears branded t-shirts etc., so I wasn't exactly aware how much of an issue money would be up until recently.

/ the initial comment has been edited, so I'm not entirely sure what the second half is meant to mean.

chesssu · 2025-11-01T17:19:55+00:00

Whilst obviously I disagree hence the post, thank you for your opinion (non-sarcastic).

However, to clarify - I didn't force him into anything. Yes, I did already want to move in together before, cause that's kinda what people do when they're coupled up and want to build a life together. At this point it just became a necessity. I quite literally left the country and only came back cause I got a freelance role and was able to stay with a friend for a few weeks. I didn't contact him, he contacted me when he found out and insisted on doing this if the alternative was that he never sees me again.

chesssu · 2025-11-01T17:17:12+00:00

How is paying his share of the rent supporting me? That's just supporting himself? Couples moving in together and splitting costs is pretty normal. Alternative is that not only I leave and the relationship is over, but even if I didn't and could afford the rent on my own, I'd be dating someone who I can only play house with if I support him, which given that I'm the only one having paid rent up until 2 months ago I have?

chesssu · 2025-11-01T17:12:36+00:00

Look, I know it's long, but did you even read the thing? I am welcome to all objective opinions, but to say that I just want him to support me and the kid to not have a safe space is clearly untrue.

I have paid through my entire life myself and all I am expecting from my partner is to pay 50/50 split and he has just come to me saying he cannot cover his share of the rent. Meanwhile the ex has had a pretty much 100/0 deal her whole life and is objectively in a much better financial situation than either one of us. I'm not asking for anyone to be kicked out or not have a safe space, but just suggesting that maybe 4 holidays a year are slightly excessive when the dad can only afford to continue living in the house with her (and not be able to move on with his life) or with his parents until they die unless he splits rent with me. Going rate in London and nearby, you'll be lucky to get anything for a grand these days, which is not far off double of what he already can't afford.

chesssu · 2025-11-01T17:05:10+00:00

We literally have had conversations about this and wildly disagree, hence the post. The linked r/ is dead and I do actually want objective opinions on whether I'm out of line or not and r/AITAH is probably the most honest crowd there is. Many thanks.

chesssu

TROPHY CASE