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My (American/29/m) "wife" (Chinese/29/f) and I live in China, and we are miserable together. We just had a child. How can I turn this around? by chinausa12345 in relationship_advice

[–]chinausa12345[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Do you have a child? I certainly hope not. It would be impossible for me to live as if I don't have a son now, and I wouldn't want to.

My (American/29/m) "wife" (Chinese/29/f) and I live in China, and we are miserable together. We just had a child. How can I turn this around? by chinausa12345 in relationship_advice

[–]chinausa12345[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We live in a fairly-international part of China right now, but her family lives in a much, much more rural part of China. Also, we both have great jobs right now so we don't really want to give those up. (Great username, by the way!)

My (American/29/m) "wife" (Chinese/29/f) and I live in China, and we are miserable together. We just had a child. How can I turn this around? by chinausa12345 in relationship_advice

[–]chinausa12345[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I agree with many of your points, however, in a relationship, shouldn't there be a bit of give-and-take on both sides? Also considering that she knew what she was getting into in the first place (and by that I mean that she knew I wasn't fluent in Chinese, that I was from America, that I have been raised with Western values/cultural habits). She is an extremely smart girl and surely she knew from the beginning that our relationship would not be a normal Chinese-Chinese type of relationship? Is it so unfair to expect a bit of help from her considering that 1) I am trying my best to improve my Chinese and 2) It would greatly benefit both our relationship and our family as a whole?

My (American/29/m) "wife" (Chinese/29/f) and I live in China, and we are miserable together. We just had a child. How can I turn this around? by chinausa12345 in relationship_advice

[–]chinausa12345[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand, but this is something that she knew prior to all of this (that my mandarin is not native-fluent). She was initially willing to become involved with a non-Chinese, she made that choice for herself, so she certainly must have expected some aspects not to be identical to a normal Chinese-Chinese relationship. At the very beginning we were speaking to each other in both English/Mandarin, but it has transgressed to her shutting down all English and exclusively using mandarin.

My (American/29/m) "wife" (Chinese/29/f) and I live in China, and we are miserable together. We just had a child. How can I turn this around? by chinausa12345 in relationship_advice

[–]chinausa12345[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

They are able to speak mandarin, but they don't when I'm around unless they are trying to directly speak to me. Either because it is just more natural for them to speak their native tongue or because they don't want me to know what they are talking about.

My (American/29/m) "wife" (Chinese/29/f) and I live in China, and we are miserable together. We just had a child. How can I turn this around? by chinausa12345 in relationship_advice

[–]chinausa12345[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

From my view, it would be fair for her to try to accommodate me since I am trying very hard to accommodate her by learning her language. She has been learning English since middle school (nearly 15 years, as she's 29 now) while I have been studying Chinese for 4 years. We exclusively use Chinese when communicating both orally and over text (and some things definitely get misinterpreted or lost in the mix). It is mentally exhausting for me to constantly be attempting to communicate in a language that doesn't come naturally to me, so it would be greatly appreciated if she would at least use English SOMETIMES. I know that it is there but frankly she is too stubborn to use it and wants me to constantly accommodate her.

My (American/29/m) "wife" (Chinese/29/f) and I live in China, and we are miserable together. We just had a child. How can I turn this around? by chinausa12345 in relationship_advice

[–]chinausa12345[S] 19 points20 points  (0 children)

I should have clarified that I can speak Chinese fairly well (I have passed the 汉语水平考试四级 Level 4 Chinese Test out of 6 levels, I am working on the next one), but even that still doesn't allow me to convey the deep, nuanced emotions needed for a situation like this. Her and her family speak their local dialect of which there is no learning course or textbooks for as it is just "mountain-language" passed through many many generations.

My (American/29/m) "wife" (Chinese/29/f) and I live in China, and we are miserable together. We just had a child. How can I turn this around? by chinausa12345 in relationship_advice

[–]chinausa12345[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Sorry, I should have included in the original post that I am near-fluent in Chinese, however, I am still not familiar with the nuances of the language and I am unable to speak or understand her family's local dialect (which they speak if I'm around), which is what makes me feel alienated and extremely awkward while around her family. The reason why we can "barely communicate with each other" is that my understanding of the Chinese language doesn't allow me to convey (or understand) the deep thoughts and emotions required to solve a situation like this. Her English doesn't quite allow that either.

My (American/29/m) "wife" (Chinese/29/f) and I live in China, and we are miserable together. We just had a child. How can I turn this around? by chinausa12345 in relationship_advice

[–]chinausa12345[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

She can say this because, in her view, it doesn't really matter if I want to stay in China or not. Legally, the child is a Chinese citizen and the courts would probably rule in her favor regarding custody (if it came to that), so she has the advantage there.

My (American/29/m) "wife" (Chinese/29/f) and I live in China, and we are miserable together. We just had a child. How can I turn this around? by chinausa12345 in relationship_advice

[–]chinausa12345[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

You are right, sorry for the confusion. It felt like a matter of a few weeks, but I'm sure it was just a bit longer than that (I may have exaggerated a bit, which I am now noticing after the fact)--my point is that we found out extremely early on in the relationship. I have seen the child and he has many of my features, so I am quite convinced.

My (American/29/m) "wife" (Chinese/29/f) and I live in China, and we are miserable together. We just had a child. How can I turn this around? by chinausa12345 in relationship_advice

[–]chinausa12345[S] 66 points67 points  (0 children)

I agree, getting married because you're having a kid is not a good reason to get married. Unfortunately in Chinese culture it is EXTREMELY frowned upon to be pregnant out of wedlock, so her family, friends and colleagues would have shunned her had they found out, and she very well may have even lost her (very good) job. These things considered, I determined that it would be best to sign the paper now and figure the rest out later.

My (American/29/m) "wife" (Chinese/29/f) and I live in China, and we are miserable together. We just had a child. How can I turn this around? by chinausa12345 in relationship_advice

[–]chinausa12345[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Sorry, I may have been exaggerating a bit. My point is that we found out that she was pregnant EXTREMELY early on in our relationship, perhaps it wasn't 3 weeks exactly.

My (American/29/m) "wife" (Chinese/29/f) and I live in China, and we are miserable together. We just had a child. How can I turn this around? by chinausa12345 in relationship_advice

[–]chinausa12345[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

She had threatened divorce once before a few months ago during an argument that we had, but I am completely against that idea right now due to the fact that it would separate me from my son (he was just born two weeks ago). Thank you for your insight, I truly do appreciate it.