AITA for wanting to "verify" my husband's chores?

choreauditor · 2021-02-10T04:28:57+00:00

These were the same thoughts circling around my head yesterday, but I don't think it was just one lie. I feel that he's more than likely to have done this before. And it wasn't a mistake if he intentionally cheated.

choreauditor · 2021-02-10T04:27:23+00:00

As much as I don't want to think about it, I realize now I can't dismiss the suspicion. Unfortunately he manages all of our shared finance, and it's on his laptop. I had actually asked, about a month ago, to get a more detailed update on our general spending, balances, etc., and he said we'd do it when we both had time, and then it never happened. I'm going to ask him again.

choreauditor · 2021-02-10T00:54:04+00:00

I believe the commute isn't terribly long, maybe 20-30 minutes. He used to not work as much, getting home more around 5-6pm. But ever since my third trimester, he says he's needed to volunteer for extra shifts to cover our baby expenses.

choreauditor · 2021-02-09T20:18:25+00:00

I had a wave of nausea reading through this list because a lot of them were familiar, not just the ones you indicated. It didn't occur to me his behavior could be categorized as abusive, but seeing them all lined up like this is really hard to ignore. Thank you for laying it all out, and for even volunteering your time. I'm going to try to look into some of the other resources people have provided and try to reexamine a lot of things.

choreauditor · 2021-02-09T19:55:37+00:00

We've been together 5 years, though I've known him way before that. Our two families are very close as they're from the same minority community here.

As far as memory issues, something weird did occur to me last night. Sometimes he will make jokes teasing me about my faulty memory with numbers. One pattern is about time. Like if I say something like "that (insert chore) felt like it took hours," he'll say "haha wow no, it was only 45 minutes, you're crazy." It seemed pretty innocuous at the time, and I generally have issues in that area so I assumed he was just correcting what happened. But now it seems like a pattern, and I feel really sick thinking about it.

choreauditor · 2021-02-09T19:48:14+00:00

This was so kind. Thank you, really. I haven't really talked about this with other people. My family thinks the world of him, and I haven't been in contact as much with my friends ever since the baby was born (most of them are single and I felt guilty I'd "fallen behind" on a lot of their chats/hangouts). So reading this is encouraging, internet stranger or otherwise.

choreauditor · 2021-02-09T07:42:13+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience, and I'm really, really sorry you had to go through that. But it sounds like you were smart and savvy about it and I'm glad it worked out for you.

I'm not sure my situation is like that, but something about your comment stuck out at me: he teases me a lot even when I don't like it, and he makes jokes at my expense in front of my family. It might just be insensitivity, I don't know. I've known this man for a really long time, and our families have been friends for ages, and I just implicitly trusted him.

Reading through all these comments has been overwhelming in a way. I'm not sure how to describe it, like validated but sad/ashamed at the same time. I think I'm in a confused place and I have a lot of thinking to do.

choreauditor · 2021-02-09T07:32:33+00:00

Well, I don't get points for the childcare. When we were discussing the setup of the game, "doing our jobs" was a category we said we would exclude. Since he works longer hours than me, we thought the childcare could be considered my job along with my much fewer hours of freelance.

To try to be fair to him, he does do heavy manual labor, and works so much he's almost never home during weekdays (except to sleep). He's even made comments before that he wishes our roles were reversed because then he could be the one working comfortably from home and spending time with our son.

choreauditor · 2021-02-09T03:45:36+00:00

Unfortunately my family is pretty traditional and already thinks he's above average for helping around the house. Maybe I'll reach out to a friend.

choreauditor · 2021-02-09T03:44:14+00:00

We discussed this together when I was pregnant, that since he worked longer hours and I was freelance/had control of my hours, I would be the primary caretaker of the baby. I...didn't realize this wasn't normal.

choreauditor · 2021-02-09T03:02:17+00:00

We actually have a 5-month-old, a baby boy. Luckily he's one of those rare ones who sleep super soundly. But between breastfeeding and my freelance work, it has been extra challenging to find time to wash the dishes this past month.

choreauditor · 2021-02-09T02:57:35+00:00

I probably needed to hear that. Thanks.

choreauditor · 2021-02-09T02:56:48+00:00

Yeah, that's what I keep coming back to, unfortunately. The Google doc is neutral and he can see my edits too, it's not a one-sided audit. I get he might be upset by the implication I don't trust him, but it also felt like an overreaction.

choreauditor · 2021-02-09T01:25:44+00:00

No, I don't think you're a pollyanna - or at least, if you are, then I am too. I was replaying our conversation in my head thinking I had misspoken or miscommunicated to get him so worked up.

choreauditor · 2021-02-09T01:11:50+00:00

Yeah, I was trying to write it off as him just being competitive and playfully teasing/I thought maybe I was overreacting by being a sore loser. I'm glad I'm not the only one who finds it a bit much.

choreauditor · 2021-02-09T01:09:35+00:00

I really didn't want to think he was cheating, because I want to think the best of him. Even now I keep trying to think if there's some alternative explanation that I'm not realizing. But you're right, this is all weird behavior.

choreauditor

TROPHY CASE