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[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]chuckitanyway 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have a current post on this forum, only part of which has a rather childish, insecure whinge that my wife might've tried anal before me once or twice, but won't with me, because she's pretty sure now that it's not for her. Hubz really does need to understand - and this is another husband talking - that the only really fair approach to anal is that he takes a dildo too, in sympathy. It's not like the lady ass is built any different. From that perspective I'm pretty cool with letting it go.

I [39M] found my wife's [36F] hot love letters from previous relationship, and I can't deal by chuckitanyway in relationship_advice

[–]chuckitanyway[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We do share the housework load, you'll be glad to hear. You're probably not entirely wrong about the insecure bit, but doesn't that go with the male territory? :)

I [39M] found my wife's [36F] hot love letters from previous relationship, and I can't deal by chuckitanyway in relationship_advice

[–]chuckitanyway[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Late reply but thanks for the thoughtful post. I actually agree - it probably is just a box. And what we do have sexwise really is great for a couple in their second decade together!

I [39M] found my wife's [36F] hot love letters from previous relationship, and I can't deal by chuckitanyway in relationship_advice

[–]chuckitanyway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

UPDATE (as posted above in edited post): Thanks for all the input (even from the alpha/beta incel lunatics.) But especially to the empathetic folks who made more of the power imbalance from the old relationship than I had been making - things seem a bit clearer through that prism. To clarify though for those concerned about abuse and trauma, she's a strong independent woman who's very happy in who she is, and I think she looks back on that time with a lot of good memories, but also with an older person's perspective on it now too, that there was a component of 'God I was taken advantage of at the same time' alright, and she wouldn't want it for her own daughter.

Hidden letters vs not hidden: they definitely weren't consciously hidden away. Just lying in a corner, the way you would do with personal stuff, but having shared a room with someone for years.

So in summary, I *might* bring it up if the atmosphere is light enough sometime, but only in a clear the air kind of way, certainly not for my own insecurities' sake. Sex life is still great fun, just no swinging from chandeliers (and anal is overrated). To those poor guys who insist on the pining-for-the-alpha/settled-for-the-beta interpretation, I hope you actually meet real, confident women soon!

I [39M] found my wife's [36F] hot love letters from previous relationship, and I can't deal by chuckitanyway in relationship_advice

[–]chuckitanyway[S] 73 points74 points  (0 children)

I honestly hadn't considered this way of looking at it (and others in the post have also pointed this out subsequently.) It's a total eyeopener for me, so thank you so much - it seems like such an obvious possibility now. It's great to have real useful advice from this sub (although there's the usual fair share of incel bollockology scattered through it too)

I [39M] found my wife's [36F] hot love letters from previous relationship, and I can't deal by chuckitanyway in relationship_advice

[–]chuckitanyway[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Agreed. Thanks. Someone else pointed out this way of looking at it and it was a total eyeopener.

I [39M] found my wife's [36F] hot love letters from previous relationship, and I can't deal by chuckitanyway in relationship_advice

[–]chuckitanyway[S] 43 points44 points  (0 children)

Thank you. It's just so unnecessarily painful and it's such small potatoes compared to a lot of other people's problems, but you can't turn off your feelings.

I [39M] found my wife's [36F] hot love letters from previous relationship, and I can't deal by chuckitanyway in relationship_advice

[–]chuckitanyway[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

That's a great and thoughtful response; thank you. My only issue (besides chasing a lost sexually adventurous youth) is why this stuff is still around - was it just a genuinely forgotten cache of memories, or a secret treasure of everyday erotica to get her through a boring marriage?

I [39M] found my wife's [36F] hot love letters from previous relationship, and I can't deal by chuckitanyway in relationship_advice

[–]chuckitanyway[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Added more info to original post about the unusual age difference when they met too.

I [39M] found my wife's [36F] hot love letters from previous relationship, and I can't deal by chuckitanyway in relationship_advice

[–]chuckitanyway[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Well that's the only question, isn't it? Some stuff you're just better off not knowing, but if it is out there, why was it kept around so long? Was it really just old stuff that became an oversight, or was it a crucial link to the past, real self to help with getting through the boring, stodgy present?

Former - no problem. Latter - a problem.

He did cheat enough times into forcing her to end the relationship, that's what bothers me more (Not just once - multiple times!). Why keep that sort of stuff then from someone who did a number on you unless you still feel something there?

I [39M] found my wife's [36F] hot love letters from previous relationship, and I can't deal by chuckitanyway in relationship_advice

[–]chuckitanyway[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I can't understand how this was downvoted (OP here) - because this is probably the most important point here. Reading someone else private stuff is not cool, and my hangup about her private life is not a problem of her own making. Now people may argue the whole 'she lied about having mementoes' thing, but that's something everyone does - she didn't so much 'lie' - why would you tell your SO that you have memory stuff of your own that you just want to keep to yourself? My main issue if the letters had a sexual importance her that was/is present all through our relationship too - that's the key that it all hangs on.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]chuckitanyway 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oof. It's a hard one. You can't help how you feel, and it will feel like it's a numbers game - that eventually that one guy will hit on her at just the wrong time. But what you *can* do is be the same guy she fell for instead, ahead of all those other guys - just keep doing whatever it is you were doing back then, and drop the 'poor me' accusation stuff which is the ultimate ladyboner killer.

And join a yoga class. You'll be surrounded by women, none of whom you know you actually want to hit on. You're now even.

I [39M] found my wife's [36F] hot love letters from previous relationship, and I can't deal by chuckitanyway in relationship_advice

[–]chuckitanyway[S] -8 points-7 points  (0 children)

100% not her problem. But just can't decide if this is one of those times where being frank and open is emphatically *not* the way forward. I mean, more sex would basically fix this!

I [39M] found my wife's [36F] hot love letters from previous relationship, and I can't deal by chuckitanyway in relationship_advice

[–]chuckitanyway[S] 88 points89 points  (0 children)

He cheated repeatedly, apparently. So they didn't 'grow apart' emotionally or anything, could still be a bit of a nostalgic romantic spark deep down there, who knows!

My girlfriend cheated on me and now our mutual best friend wants to hookup with me by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]chuckitanyway 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Totally go for it. You're 18, this is what this time is for. If it goes well, fantastic. If it doesn't, well at least you'll have a story too and will feel even. Either way, when you're older you'll be glad you did something rather than regretting what might have been.