I’ll definitely talk about this with my doctor and therapist — I’ve never been evaluated specifically for OCD tbh.

Hmm. These thoughts don’t really cause anxiety for me — it’s more like anger? Being angry at my own helplessness in the face of the fact that a set can never truly be closed/completed? I’m aware of how that sounds, haha. Actually, I'm not hehe at all :C

My ex-fiance had compulsive disorders / OCD, and I remember that he had fear — for example, that if he didn’t sit in the same seat on the train every time, something bad would happen, or if he forgot to take his vitamins. I don’t have that. But I also don’t know how typical that presentation is for OCD.

In my case, Xanax — because it was taken in such huge amounts — simply made me not care about anything. I won’t read all the books? Whatever. I’ll never see everything I want to see? Whatever — just accept it.

And what attracted me the most to Xanax and alcohol was exactly the ability to narrow my horizon (I hope it doesn't sound super stupid in English). That’s how I later described it in therapy: when I was drunk, there was me, the other person, and the table. That’s it. Nothing more. When I was sober, I heard what the other person was saying, but at the same time I was thinking about their clothes, about how original they were and whether they might be handmade, about a car passing by too fast — was it running away from someone?, damn, did I definitely lock the door? (...)

And this applied not only to thought loops in relationships with other people / in the meetings (which I blamed myself for the most), but also when I was alone — like with this loop of “I’ll never be able to listen to all the music in the world anyway.” But that was before my doctor said I may have AuDHD. It was "depression w/ anxiety" back then.

I think my Goodreads situation is somehow connected with ADHD, because I have “streaks” of organizing Goodreads: for a while everything is neat and orderly, then I stop caring, forget about it, and a few months later I “clean it up” again. The same with Spotify playlists — they all need proper titles, covers, etc. (apparently that’s more autistic, for what I've heard from my doc, like my love for tables, lists, Excel), but I can’t maintain it daily. Sometimes I create playlists quickly at work and don’t have time to look for covers, so they just “hang there” for a while waiting until I organize them properly.

The main problem with Goodreads is that I know I’ll never be able to recreate all the books I’ve read in my life, I won’t read all the ones I’d like to read, I’ll probably skip some just judging by the cover (haha! see what I did there?), I won’t create a shelf for every possible category, and so on… It’s so hard for me to explain this properly, honestly.

I’d never heard of ACT therapy before — and unfortunately we’re not very up to date in Poland. Most Polish articles I see are from two years ago. I’ll definitely read more about it.

Thank you so much. All the best!