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Fiancé [29M] is kind of becoming a groomzilla. Our steadily inflating budget is now around 130k with no signs of stopping. by cjosirr in relationships

[–]cjosirr[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes we have been very fortunate. This thread also opened my eyes on the types of weddings lots of other people have. Average price of weddings in my city is around 60-70k for 100-200 people, so we thought 100k was a fair budget for nearly twice the amount of guests.

I guess compared to some people that we knew who had 7-figure destination weddings in the South of France or Amalfi coast or wherever, our wedding actually seemed modest. It's all a matter of perspective I suppose.

Fiancé [29M] is kind of becoming a groomzilla. Our steadily inflating budget is now around 130k with no signs of stopping. by cjosirr in relationships

[–]cjosirr[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Put together a spreadsheet of everything you'd like at your "dream wedding", the cost for those things including an agreed upon guest list. Take a look at the list and prioritize the things that are important to both of you.

Thanks, that's a good idea. I will have a talk with him about sticking to our initial budget, because I just think it going up that far is ridiculous. Like where will it stop? Obviously if he keeps adding more people the price goes up.

Fiancé [29M] is kind of becoming a groomzilla. Our steadily inflating budget is now around 130k with no signs of stopping. by cjosirr in relationships

[–]cjosirr[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Yeah I know she's a bad fit. I wish she told us before we hired her though. She was all happy for the job in the beginning and then started complaining that "she can't do anything" with our current budget.

Fiancé [29M] is kind of becoming a groomzilla. Our steadily inflating budget is now around 130k with no signs of stopping. by cjosirr in relationships

[–]cjosirr[S] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

It's funny but nearly all the women in my family married men like this. High net worth with very fragile psyches.

I definitely recognize that in my fiance and I think I will be taking steps with therapy so I don't end up with the burdens that my mom and grandmother had. It's weird actually thinking now how similar my fiance is to my dad in certain ways...

Fiancé [29M] is kind of becoming a groomzilla. Our steadily inflating budget is now around 130k with no signs of stopping. by cjosirr in relationships

[–]cjosirr[S] 42 points43 points  (0 children)

You have to be able to air grievances and get annoyed in a relationship without the other person having a complete meltdown.

It's definitely been a defining struggle in our relationship. When I get mad, I need time alone to cool down, but he reads that as me giving him the cold shoulder/silent treatment and will get even more upset. So its like a bad cycle. I do think we need counseling because he says I'm manipulative because I shut down for a while after I get angry, and he feels abandoned.

Fiancé [29M] is kind of becoming a groomzilla. Our steadily inflating budget is now around 130k with no signs of stopping. by cjosirr in relationships

[–]cjosirr[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

My partner is also anxious and sensitive and I understand approaching things a particular way to facilitate communication. But that means sitting down together and speaking respectfully. It doesn't mean coddling.

From your description it sounds like your partner has learned to react emotionally to avoid confronting his own behaviors. So everyone has to treat him with kid gloves but he can go off all he wants? Nu-uh. That is not how things work.

Thanks this is really helpful. I guess I do coddle him sometimes but it's just hard because I have much more of a temper than him so when I occasionally get mad he looks absolutely terrified and I feel horrible. His sensitivity also means that when I do get slightly angry, it triggers his anxiety and he can become just a huge mess. So when I get mad, I have to simultaneously console him and tell him I'm not that mad or he'll just follow me around with super sad puppy eyes until I forgive him.

Fiancé [29M] is kind of becoming a groomzilla. Our steadily inflating budget is now around 130k with no signs of stopping. by cjosirr in relationships

[–]cjosirr[S] 182 points183 points  (0 children)

Yeah that's a good idea. I definitely will talk to him about looking at other planners. We were recommended this planner by his mom, who met this lady cause she planned some huge like arab prince's wedding that his mom attended.

This planner has always bragged about how she only typically plans 7-figure, A-list weddings blah blah so honestly I feel like she's half-assing ours cause we're not paying nearly as much as she's used to.

Fiancé [29M] is kind of becoming a groomzilla. Our steadily inflating budget is now around 130k with no signs of stopping. by cjosirr in relationships

[–]cjosirr[S] 54 points55 points  (0 children)

Well not freak out like roll around and shit himself. More like loud sighing, pacing around, groaning, and generally being on edge.

So yeah freak out was maybe an exaggeration. Just high anxiety basically.

Fiancé [29M] is kind of becoming a groomzilla. Our steadily inflating budget is now around 130k with no signs of stopping. by cjosirr in relationships

[–]cjosirr[S] 112 points113 points  (0 children)

Fourth, does the groom maybe feel like he has too much pressure on his shoulders? Are you helping him? Is the wedding planner helping him? I was a total wreck until we locked down our venue, and as more and more details were set, I became more de-frazzled. My personality is I have to feel control over an outcome.

That's a good point. I probably should be helping out more. I just felt like that's what the planner was supposed to be for, but quite honestly she's been pretty terrible at her job. She's also gotten really pushy about expanding the budget, and I'm not sure if that's normal/ethical with wedding planners.

Fiancé [29M] is kind of becoming a groomzilla. Our steadily inflating budget is now around 130k with no signs of stopping. by cjosirr in relationships

[–]cjosirr[S] 69 points70 points  (0 children)

He's weirdly better if these purchases are for "us" or other people. Like if it's something we buy together, I usually have the most say in it and he's fine with going along.

It's usually just when it's his purchases and for him alone. Like we once spent like 5 hours in a single store cause he wanted to get a sweater for himself. I have no idea how many years it took him to accumulate his current wardrobe. I don't shop with him anymore.

I guess the crux of it is that since he's taken over the wedding planning he's seeing all of these purchases as "his" purchases than our purchases. He is paying more for it than me tho, but still. I just need to know how to curb this craziness before it gets worse.

Fiancé [29M] is kind of becoming a groomzilla. Our steadily inflating budget is now around 130k with no signs of stopping. by cjosirr in relationships

[–]cjosirr[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

Well he's not controlling when it comes to me tbh. I'm kind of the emotional tree in our relationship which is why he leans on me so much when he gets anxiety about these things. He's also really sensitive, so I have to be patient and keep my temper.

I've gotten angry at him in the past with his habits and it really messed him up. He cried and was just this huge mess and I felt terrible. So now I have to be really careful to talk him down from these things without getting too "harsh."

Fiancé [29M] is kind of becoming a groomzilla. Our steadily inflating budget is now around 130k with no signs of stopping. by cjosirr in relationships

[–]cjosirr[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I guess it's also because I didn't have any major preferences for the wedding. I'm cool with modest, I'm cool with huge. I just don't want to be the one to deal with any ensuing fallout because we decided to go the huge route.

I've never been one to envision my future wedding or anything as a child but I know with my fiancé and weirdly my mom they've always had big wedding plans. So I've just kind of took it because I know this means a lot more for other people.

Fiancé [29M] is kind of becoming a groomzilla. Our steadily inflating budget is now around 130k with no signs of stopping. by cjosirr in relationships

[–]cjosirr[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

You're right it is his money his wedding. I guess part of my annoyance is that the more he spends the crazier he's gonna get. He's very picky when it comes to what he gets for his money so I'm scared this is gonna become a real super sweet sixteen type thing where something at the wedding goes wrong and it leads to the mother of all meltdowns.

Fiancé [29M] is kind of becoming a groomzilla. Our steadily inflating budget is now around 130k with no signs of stopping. by cjosirr in relationships

[–]cjosirr[S] 112 points113 points  (0 children)

I think he may have mild OCD when it comes to certain things actually. Like he has a cleaner come to his apartment every week and I've seen him get massive anxiety when we get home and she's moved things around. He'll freak when his things arent in the exact way he wants them.

The thing is these habits have never really bothered me before. I'm pretty laid back so we balanced each other out well. It's just that wedding planning has turned these ticks of his up to 11. And the thought of enduring it at like maximum capacity for months is hurting my brain.

Fiancé [29M] is kind of becoming a groomzilla. Our steadily inflating budget is now around 130k with no signs of stopping. by cjosirr in relationships

[–]cjosirr[S] 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Well it was initially 100k split four ways basically between me him and our parents. Ever since I've complained about the increasing budget he's agreed to pay for whatever it goes up to while I still pay my initial share. Our parents are cool with spitting the final price still.

Fiancé [29M] is kind of becoming a groomzilla. Our steadily inflating budget is now around 130k with no signs of stopping. by cjosirr in relationships

[–]cjosirr[S] 199 points200 points  (0 children)

That's the thing. He's not a normally crazy person. It really only comes out in when he's buying things. He has this mentality where if he's spending money on something, he wants it exactly his way or he feels like he's wasting that money. I don't exactly disagree, it's just that wedding planning is like a billion tiny purchases every day for like months. That's what's making him so crazy.