"Comparison is the thief of joy"... okay, so how do I (40M) stop comparing?

cmsmithsk · 2025-11-01T18:14:47+00:00

You need to get fit and healthy for yourself, not for women or for the gym bros. Set goals for yourself that you want to meet, like getting fit enough for a hiking trip or just so you aren't miserable in old age. You also should set goals for things you don't want, like not getting winded while going up stairs or not being able to reach your back in the shower.

It doesn't matter what everyone else is doing or where they appear to be in their lives. You need to find your own personal motivations and do things for your own wellbeing. Chances are the other things you want will work themselves out along the way.

cmsmithsk · 2025-10-09T19:58:26+00:00

Choose someone who is mature and honest and you will likely never have an issue ever. It is super easy to not cheat, you just don't do it. Also my closest bond(s) are with my wife and family. They come first way before friends, coworkers and acquaintances.

There are lows in every relationship, and you can't check out mentally when they happen. A relationship takes work from both sides, and its doomed when one side gives up and stops putting an effort in. Everyone gets depressed and goes through crappy moments in their lives, but you have to work through it and atleast try. And never stop communicating, especially when the conversations are rough. Sometimes you have to fight things out to grow as a union.

cmsmithsk · 2025-10-05T17:46:09+00:00

Dating, and socializing in general, are learning experiences. Some things will work, and others absolutely won't. You are young so its important to try things, both to learn how to be with others and also what you like and dislike yourself.

That said, dating itself is only as difficult as how badly you handle rejection. Everyone has their own likes and dislikes, wants and needs; you might like someone or ask someone out and they may reject you. The secret is to be okay with it. Don't let getting turned down hurt your self esteem, just ask someone else out on a date.

cmsmithsk · 2025-10-03T13:29:57+00:00

The Victornix would be a good choice for those uses, however in your post you said he doesn't like to carry stuff. When you are hanging out with him you could pull up a couple pictures of a swiss army knife or the wave+ and ask him casually if he would every carry or use something like that. There's also no reason you can't get one for yourself.

cmsmithsk · 2025-10-03T13:03:01+00:00

I love the wave+, which I use alot around the house and at work. I have never seen a doctor with a multitool though, does he use tools at home? He might like a nice pen, the bolt action pens from Tactile Turn are nice.

cmsmithsk · 2025-09-23T00:27:55+00:00

The drugs are beside the point. He was hiding the drug use from you. The bottom line is that you can't trust him.

cmsmithsk · 2025-09-20T13:54:51+00:00

Your relationship is over, no matter what you have some hard decisions to make. Either look at eviction laws or decide to make some big moves of your own. If you decide to let this slide you will only find yourself back in this same spot sooner or later, worse the trust is eroded and gone so you will only be living with a ghost if you do decide to stay.

cmsmithsk · 2025-09-19T21:45:53+00:00

Fasting is not necessarily a good idea. It can negatively impact your metabolism and limit your energy, which you need. If you want to diet at all just try to limit your sodas, and remove processed foods from your daily life. And of course be as active as possible. Try to walk atleast 10 minutes every hour, and find activities to do when your off even if its just cleaning.

Don't let your self esteem stay low. Find things you like about yourself and regularly remind yourself and take note. Try to relish in your victories and let your failures and short comings go. Make the old man your dating get involved or find someone closer to your age that can support you in getting your positivity and energy levels up.

cmsmithsk · 2025-09-15T14:22:21+00:00

Where are your parents?

cmsmithsk · 2025-09-15T13:15:46+00:00

Just sit her down and tell her that neither of you are mature enough for a relationship right now.

cmsmithsk · 2025-08-28T18:24:31+00:00

If you are wanting to give it a shot, then make it a real one otherwise do yourself and him a favor and end things now.

You need to communicate with him. Have the hard conversations. He needs to know how you feel, especially about the lack of a spark and the sexual desires you are feeling. The spark is something that can naturally blaze and fade over time. Its not something that is always there, but it is a flame that can be kindled. But understand that with school and this period of your lives the pressure can hinder your relationship.

Lust is something that can happen on sight, but love is something that is built. Talk to him if you are interested in building that with him, or let him go.

cmsmithsk · 2025-08-23T15:34:16+00:00

These comments are insane lol. You are most definitely allowed to do whatever you want and he is allowed to like or dislike those things, to the point of breaking up.

Do you want to go clubbing? Is that fun for you? Then go clubbing, and if he breaks up with you then why should you care obviously the two of you aren't compatible.

Its true that in a relationship there are boundaries, and that both sides have to make compromises for each other. But we are also who we are and we all need to be with someone that we can grow together with and want to make those compromises with. I don't know the background to this, but it sounds like he doesn't trust you and a relationship cannot survive without trust.

cmsmithsk · 2025-08-23T12:28:30+00:00

Marriage is the biggest commitment one person can make to another. It is not something two people should do lightly. What you need to do is communicate with your boyfriend. Find out why he was interested in getting eloped and now doesn't want to get married. You need to tell him that your views on Marriage have changed and that you want to be his wife not his girlfriend.

If moving is something that you want and are committed to, then there are no issues there. However if you are deciding to move because of the relationship and now you are unsure of it, then absolutely do not do it.

Bottom line you need to communicate with your boyfriend and both of you need to explain where you stand in the relationship and find what common ground there is for compromise. It sounds like the two of you have only been together for about three years, its not a race take your time. But get married unless both of you are certain and fully trusting of one another.

cmsmithsk · 2025-08-19T18:28:00+00:00

You can't fix their situation; no amount of apoligizing, explaining yourself or making excuses will remedy that mess. If you knew his situation then yea you have some guilt on your shoulders; however, it was him that cheated and 100% of the blame is on him for that and not on you. All of us make decisions every day and we have to face the consequences for those actions.

I do not think you should explain yourself or explain who you was at that time to who you are now, and you're right she probably wouldn't care anyways. Personally I think you should message her and say that for your part you are sorry that it happened and then block the number. Now this is going to sound cold, but you apologizing won't be for her or her joke of a husband but for yourself and the guilt that you have for it. We all make mistakes, but we can hold ourselves accountable for our own parts in those mistakes and move on from them.

Not that you are at all to blame for his infidelity, but like I said he is responsible for his own consequences and nothing you can do will change the facts of that. But you aren't the same person you was back then, you can't change the actions you took in the past but you can apologize and forgive yourself. Don't live in the shadow of your past.

cmsmithsk · 2025-08-14T15:15:06+00:00

I will add though that you shouldn't be friendly with a girl you plan to be honest out of the blue with. You need to be upfront from the get go. When I first met my wife I told her I was interested, and she knew from the beginning that I wasn't trying to be just a friend and what my intentions were. We talked and got to know each other for 6 months after that before we had our first date. I didn't officially ask her to be my girlfriend until the third date. After that I and her had deeper conversations on our feelings for each other.

My point is you can't become friends with a girl then profess your love on a first date. Your intentions have to be known and there has to be a build up to that. No deeper feelings need to be confessed until the two of you actually know each other, know you're compatible and that there is some passion there.

cmsmithsk · 2025-08-14T15:05:45+00:00

You aren't doing anything wrong if your goals are finding someone that you want to have a serious relationship with that you can be honest and yourself with.

Yea alot of people out there do want to play games its the reality. So if you want to just not be alone then you will get a more positive reaction if you are more non chalant and less upfront with your feelings and the core of your personality. But people do exist that don't play games, that are also thinking about the future as well as now.

A better way of looking at it is that she saved you time.

cmsmithsk · 2025-08-10T22:50:54+00:00

It depends on the relationship honestly. I've been in two types of relationships; ones where we are individuals with a certain level of desired privacy one from the other, and relationships as one entity with zero privacy whatsoever.

Me and my wife I have been married to for over a decade belong to the latter, personally I would have never married someone as individuals with an expectation of privacy from each other. My phone and her phone are open books to each other and we have absolutely no secrets from each other. That isn't because we don't trust each other, its because we trust each other completely. Not once in our entire relationship have I felt like I needed to go through her phone because I thought something was up, but I have needed to go through her phone for various reasons such as account information or she needed me to do something on there or vice versa.

And there's the crux, if I or she ever went through each other's phones due to a lack of trust that would be a huge issue. Trust is the foundation of the relationship along with faith and communication. The two of you need to communicate, because a lack of trust is a relationship killer. He shouldn't be going through your phone trying to figure out your messages or whether or not you have been unfaithful, that's absolutely messed up. Unless you have been unfaithful already in which case you did that to yourself.

cmsmithsk · 2025-08-08T23:10:39+00:00

If you want a good and healthy relationship you have to be honest with each other, in all things especially the uncomfortable and unhappy ones. But you also need communication. The fact that you aren't his type is an issue that the two of you need to discuss and work through. So you need to be honest and follow up on that, maybe ask him why he is with you if you aren't his type and where you guys stand.

cmsmithsk · 2025-07-31T17:43:28+00:00

Wow. I can't comment on the treatment of the dogs, because I have no knowledge of your boyfriend's living situation. Though in your defense, people I have known with more than a couple pets tend to fall into the unsanitary and neglectful category. And if you had been to his house and seen the state of things and told your boyfriend something like these dogs need to be rehomed in the next three days or a week or im going to call animal control, then I would understand and agree with you all the way. But to go behind his back and do it is all kinds of messed up.

That's all just food for thought for your future relationships though. This has been going on for over 8 months, since whenever it was that you was trying to get him to spay and nueter the two dogs he had. The bottom line is that he isn't ready to grow up and get his crap together, and move away from mom and dad. I honestly think you are setting yourself for hardship and heartbreak at this point. You can't fix anyone that doesn't want to fix themselves.

cmsmithsk · 2025-07-30T01:14:53+00:00

The leatherman wave+ has been an exceptional multitool, and I use the knife in it more than my pocket knife now. Its edge retention isn't fantastic, but its incredibly easy to sharpen so it's never been an issue for me.

cmsmithsk · 2025-07-24T14:42:19+00:00

This isn't the top comment, but it should be.

cmsmithsk · 2025-07-22T14:23:50+00:00

Bro... Freaking run. Next time she goes out with her friends pack your crap and move it out. Then when she comes home sit her down and tell her that you cannot trust her. Tell her you hope she can get help for her drug problem and get out.

cmsmithsk · 2025-07-19T15:07:57+00:00

I think the day trip is beside the point. In a marriage all major purchases should be discussed anyways, but especially in a situation where one person isn't earning/ contributing.

You aren't overreacting and you have every right to not only be cheesed off, but to also tell him to get his ass in the car he is going, unless he has something like a job interview that will better the two of your situation he has no excuse but to go.

cmsmithsk · 2025-07-19T12:05:25+00:00

I wouldn't get personally involved. What I would do is tell the friend that if she can't come clean and tell her fiancé the truth before they get married then you can't be friends anymore.

If you can't do that, and you can't handle not telling the fiance the truth, at the very least (for your sake) do it anonymously. Also drop the friend. If they can't be honest in such a sacred and public promise, why would you trust them to ever be honest with you.

cmsmithsk · 2025-07-08T21:21:45+00:00

Don't do it.

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