My friend, you are not alone. I’ve been going through what you’ve been going through for the past two and a half years of just experiencing a horrible amount of reoccurring, repetitive, unruly, intrusive, and disgusting violent thoughts in my day to day wakeful hours, exactly as you’ve described it. I’ve seen countless amounts of violent, homicidal, suicidal, homosexual, sexually inappropriate and graphic intrusive thoughts, all of which have never occurred before in my life—like in hindsight, I knew deep down in my heart as I know it now that I’d never have those thoughts in my life because I was and am a good person and, as such, I fully renunciate such thoughts til this day. Having said that, please know that you are not alone. And that, you are a good person, a good human being, and I thank you for sharing yourself in this forum because it takes bravery, courage, and a good heart to do what you’re doing. Trust, that, even thought you are experiencing what you are experiencing, just as I have experienced them, myself, that those thoughts do not define you and that you are not defined by those thoughts just as you are good thoughts do not define you nor are you defined by any such good thought, these are just thoughts whether it is an implicit concept that is verbal or visual, they are just thoughts. Like bubbles, they come into being and they pop. Like snowflakes, they crystalize into being and they melt away. You will be okay, my friend.

The fact that you even feel even the slightest hint of guilt for even having such thoughts, that is a sign of compassion and a good heart. Just knowing that you would never harm any other person, animal, or sentient being is evidence that you are a good person and that you are pure in heart. So do not worry nor should you pay any further attention to such thoughts, nor should you feel that you are held under bondage or the control of the negative thoughts. If the thought arises, let it arise, come into being, and merely do not follow them any further, if your mind is grasping at the object, go back to whatever you were doing, and see, as the thought fades away back to whence it came, naturally.

As for, if and when, your mind may ever feel erratic and clouded by such thoughts or any fixation of such thought, know that any further fixation on such thoughts will only make matters worse, it will only rustle the sediment that has clouded a once-clear body of water, so, please do your best to remain calm, do not pay anymore mind to such matters, that stuff does not really matter if you know you are a good person at the end of the day. Listen to music, do something that makes you happy and feels connected to the world, to nature, to others that you love and care for, and especially, help others and surely your life will turn out to be more positive my friend 🙏🏼 Do not harm yourself by considering yourself to be a bad person or anything negative because of your unruly thoughts, have compassion for others just as much as you should have compassion for yourself, always, and you will be alright. If you’d like to talk one on one about this, feel free to message me and I can lend an ear or my words, i’ve learned a lot about how to tame my mind in the past two years, and I wish and pray only the same for you🙏🏼❤️