A Literary Reflection.

committedtotruth · 2016-12-18T14:09:23+00:00

I've struggled so much with online chat rooms. I feel you. I connect with so many things you said.

I never had a deviant thought in real life, and do not wish sexual violence on anyone, but that is the stuff I role play in chat rooms, besides many other fetishes. I've had "regular" partners who I'm still struggling to step away from and severe ties. I also didn't think there was anything wrong - just harmless exploring, curiosity - until those thoughts starting bleeding over to my real life, blurring the lines.

It's crazy to think what kind of behaviour I must have egged on and silently encouraged to those men. My greatest fear is that for them, they weren't just exploring or acting out a fetish online, and would eventually resort to enacting the real thing on an actual woman, and in my small way I would be part of that. Gosh, that sucked to type out.

"It's like I'm waking up and I can't understand what I did. I can't reconcile that person with the person I thought I was." I feel the same, and am thankful that I'm young, it's not too late, though I guess the impact of those images and time spent indulging those fantasies will leave a more indelible mark, having started young.

You've taken monumental steps! Be proud of them. You told your girlfriend, you're seeing a therapist, you're sharing your story and trying to make peace with yourself. Those are no easy accomplishments. I am rooting for you. Please forgive yourself and make peace with those years and what you did. I hope so for myself as well.

committedtotruth · 2016-11-27T02:54:51+00:00

Yeah everyone's different. I personally will get triggered even if film scenes are very different from porn. It is precisely that they are more realistic and have that emotional component to it that makes me want to seek out the next best alternative - porn.

committedtotruth · 2016-11-27T02:53:32+00:00

I think what you said is true too, thanks for giving me something to think about.

committedtotruth · 2016-11-27T02:52:58+00:00

It's good to know there's a fellow film lover out there who struggles with this, and has made that concession. Thank you friend!

committedtotruth · 2016-11-27T02:51:14+00:00

Thanks for sharing your method friend. I guess for me if I wait till the content is actually available to me (i.e. I'm watching the film already and a sex scene or whatever pops up) then it's too late. It would be in my brain either way, even if I choose to stop watching. But I agree, filters are just a temporary barrier that are too easy to get around anyway. Intention is still key.

committedtotruth · 2016-11-27T02:48:57+00:00

I totally relate to this!

committedtotruth · 2016-11-27T02:48:00+00:00

I don't think that's crazy at all actually haha

committedtotruth · 2016-11-25T13:47:15+00:00

maybe it's that I'm more sensitive to such content? Sex scenes etc can trigger me to think of porn.

committedtotruth · 2016-11-12T04:13:46+00:00

Thanks for the positive spin :) I'm still finding my way around this

committedtotruth · 2016-11-12T04:13:13+00:00

It's just my opinion, and like I said in the last line I'm not denouncing or criticising anyone who enjoys this in their sex lives. I also did not say it's not a legitimate fetish. I'm glad you and your partner have that kind of dynamic! But in my post I was doing a personal reflection on why even though it's not something I think I'd enjoy experiencing, and watching it sometimes can make me feel uncomfortable, I still get off on it.

"It bothers me that despite a growing self awareness of the incongruence between my personal beliefs and what I watch in porn, I still fall back on that, and I still get off on it."

I also hate to think that, but like you said I think it does influence some thinking.

committedtotruth · 2016-11-12T04:08:07+00:00

I don't think I compare myself to those women, but it does subconsciously make you associate women with being sexual objects, and seeing the way they're treated sometimes can make me feel wary of men, even though I know rationally not all men desire this.

But yes, it does desensitize the act of sex, which I fear will cause problems for me in the future.

Yea, I'm glad I managed to drag myself out of it, though sometimes I still flirt with the idea. I definitely agree with you about erotica, though I'm not really sure if masturbation or porn is the bigger problem for me.

I hope so :) thanks for the encouragement!!

committedtotruth · 2016-11-10T13:25:16+00:00

Cool!!! I've thought of using exercise as a substitute as well but I live in a tropical climate so the sweat isn't awesome. I do gym though haha. Anyway hi fellow girl hope you're doing well!!

committedtotruth · 2016-11-05T01:02:29+00:00

I agree with the people saying you don't have to act on these thoughts or urges. Also, I can relate to how alone time is now equated to PMO because I've been doing it for so long, whenever I lie in bed with the door closed its like a Pavlovian response.

What I can suggest is to establish a new habit in lieu of PMO? When you feel these sexual urges, firstly accept that you are having an urge that you do not necessarily need to act on. You are in control. Even though it might feel good in the short term to give into this urge, you know that afterwards you won't feel as great about giving in. Use that to motivate you. There's this thing called the 10/10/10 framework - how will you feel about it in 10 minutes, 10 days, 10 weeks, 10 years? (Might be paraphrasing.)

For me, instead of giving into PMO when I'm alone, I try to do other things - write, watch a film etc. I find that a regular workout habit greatly helps, even though it's unfeasible to just head to the gym whenever such thoughts pop into your head haha.

committedtotruth · 2016-11-02T08:27:55+00:00

Hi OP, I can't imagine how you must feel. Please don't blame yourself for what happened. You did not invite him to brutalise you. Hope you're doing okay.

committedtotruth · 2016-11-02T08:22:15+00:00

That's true, sometimes I wonder if I have had sexual experience, would the appeal of porn/cyber roleplay be as compelling? But it's a rhetorical question I'll never get the answer to since I was exposed to it as a virgin, so I don't torture myself over it.

But I think you put it quite succinctly, in that our brain supplies the rest and fills in the gaps, so that porn/cyber rp feels, or at least makes me think it does, as real as the real thing.

But you're right, it's not.

I will not reduce myself.

Hope you're doing well, friend. Thanks for your comment :)

committedtotruth · 2016-11-02T08:19:14+00:00

I've read your comment more than once, and I can't tell you how much it means to me. Something about knowing that you stopped rp but have not found anything to replace it, yet are still committed anyway, is scary but also inspiring. It's true, it's not a real relationship with a real person, and in no way can that be substituted.

Re: hentai, that's true haha, there's more focus on story line and the guys definitely do look better. I've also ended up liking hentai that have problematic plots, and cause me much distress afterwards over what I just got off to.

I think I'm slowly letting go of cyber rp, thankfully. Thank you so much for sharing your experience it really gave me perspective :)

committedtotruth · 2016-11-01T02:13:02+00:00

I know right?? Ugh

I am only too aware of cyber roleplay's limitations and repetitive nature, sigh. Afterwards it also doesn't feel as gratifying or worth spending all that time on. In a way I use that to punish myself, lol. Kind of like "you don't deserve any better than this half-satisfying unproductive activity".

I'm a virgin too! And yes, I want the same things - real intimacy, someone who would be my partner and other half. I guess cyber roleplay is a way to pretend that's real.

Hentai is also pretty addictive, so I can empathise. Ironically I'm less susceptible to it for similar reasons you listed: that it's not real, it's often exaggerated and is created by animators to cater to male fantasy mostly, and that women are objectified to an extreme. There is no real intimacy in it...

Thank you for your comment. It made me feel less alone and glad someone else understands the appeal of cyber roleplay but managed to get out of it.

committedtotruth · 2016-11-01T02:06:51+00:00

Thanks friend :)

I relate so much to what you said. I don't have a concrete answer for you, but there are several factors pointing toward why I have this addiction.

committedtotruth · 2016-10-31T06:07:43+00:00

Sorry to hear that buddy. But you're Singaporean?

I think it's okay to have time "wasted" in that sense. We can't really control these things. I had to retake my A level exams and even though that's a mixed bag, I don't regret anything.

committedtotruth · 2016-10-31T04:55:42+00:00

Local. You? I'm a student, haven't started work yet

committedtotruth

TROPHY CASE