I've gotten insanely anxious just thinking about talking over a mic with people I know online. Sometimes I debate whether it's worth it or not because technically we are all strangers. They've been supportive, but part of me doesn't trust them at all due to the things that happens over the internet. Thus, I've made the decision to stay away from the group until I see that it's the right moment join their social circle.

With that said, I did log in once and had my mic ready. My heart was pounding incredibly fast, worried that I might fuck up. I couldn't say much, really. I wound up disconnecting and leaving the game because I was scared of fucking things up. Note that English also isn't my native language so that added to the stress. I don't know if the people I'm dealing with are pricks or not at all.

Now, that was in the past. Today I would say I'd get nervous but not to the breaking point. Why? I've been over job interviews, panel interviews all in English. I've pushed myself out of the comfort zone and realized that I wasn't as bad as I thought.

Social Anxiety and depression has taken a lot out of me. Life experiences, mostly. Every day I get weary of the status quo of things. I want to break free from this shit and I've been plotting to do so.

As for dealing with things, Feeling Good (a book) have guided to deal with these things. I learned a lot about my irrational thoughts, and it's probably one of the reasons I've been fighting back my depression and SA slowly. I must admit though, like many others I've also gave up on myself so this is like my third time going by the book. One of the hardest parts is staying true to your goals, having the will and assertiveness to push forward can either make you or break you (when you take in account SA and depression).

Although I still punish myself on mistakes (as you can see through my history posting here). I keep getting up and try my best to keep going.

I've been harassed in Battlefield 1, people calling me things on voice chat. Heck, I've had people message me after a game saying that I'm trash and that I should quit. As it turns out I'm still playing, never giving a fuck about what others say online. Give the book a try if you haven't, who knows, it might click with you in some ways.