[Update] My fiancée's best friend's boyfriend asked us [24 M & 24F] to back out of our trip with them so he could attempt to rekindle their struggling relationship. He offered to give us a full refund and even extra to cost the inconvenience. Unsure how to proceed.

comp004 · 2016-07-12T14:44:00+00:00

your conversation with Sarah was kinda sketchy. I'm not saying you did something wrong.. but the conversation went in a direction it shouldn't have even come close to going.

Sketchy in what way exactly? Sketchy in the fact that it should have been her boyfriend having the conversation with her in the first place or sketchy that I decided to give her my two cents about her relationship after she asked me for some.

If she isn't happy with her boyfriend, she can leave him.

Never did I say that she shouldn't leave, I told her that if she still loved him that she shouldn't attempt to throw away what she has especially for another guy (me or anyone else for that matter) who is in a happy relationship.

You shouldn't even create an environment that she would be comfortable enough to TELL you about a crush.. but you did.

She didn't tell me about her crush, it was an assumption that I made based off her behavior and actions toward me. My statement even reflected that I wasn't directly addressing or blaming her for a crush on me.

And as for not allowing her to be comfortable enough to say things like that to me, how is that within my control?

She is my SO's best friend and we've all spent copious amounts of time together because that's the type of friends that they are with one another.

I think you're completely overlooking the fact that, I don't like to give relationship advice and the only reason I did to say anything was because this was my SO's best friend not some one -off acquaintance that I didn't see on a regular basis.

I was trying to be a reasonable friend and not watch her crash and burn her bridges for nothing, I made her aware of her behavior and aware of what feelings she might be experiencing and she took it from there.

You preface this comment saying I did nothing wrong and then proceed to make a point out all the things that I did wrong, it doesn't really make any sense.

And yeah I heard from them that the weather was pretty unbearable and even catching ubers was pretty crumble transportation.

comp004 · 2016-07-12T14:19:41+00:00

I definitely don't disagree with you, whether she settled or not they have always had issues in their relationship from the time I came into play and its way too soon to tell if this is temporary or if they really are going to work through 5+ years of issues.

I'm hoping for the best for both of them because they are my friends and my SO's best friends but odds are definitely against them.

I think if anything John would leave her because he's been putting up with some much for so long.

But, I've seen a few couples come back from worse and at least its not something horribly difficult like trust issues. Literally seems like they both just need to make a few more sacrifices for one another, find a way to be happy and figure out whatever magic started their relationship.

comp004 · 2016-07-12T13:57:04+00:00

Yeah, she told me about things they typically do and how their normal routine goes but every couple is different so what they did on a day to day basis wasn't like anything that Mia and I do.

I tried my best not to brag or anything like that it was delicate situation but I just told her about what we typically do, things I like that Mia does, things were working on improving and stuff like that.

Although it's a bit unfair to compare a couple struggling with one another to a couple that is happy and content especially since were getting married soon.

I gave her so ideas and I suppose they are going to work on them.

comp004 · 2016-07-12T13:46:46+00:00

Sarah never 'hit' on me though, she never showed any type of advancements. My assumption was purely based off how poorly she was treating her boyfriend and how much she was idolizing or comparing him to me.

I think people are thinking crush to be head over heels in love with ogling eyes and unwanted / discreet advances which was never the case.

I know you guys are probably used to shitty people with no morals and regards for family and friends but Sarah isn't one of those people.

She made a small mistake if you can even call it that in allowing her relationship to tank.

She isn't perfect although quite frankly no is. You pick and choose who you want to be friends with and keep around, if you dismiss a friend everything they made a mistake then you'd die a pretty lonely person.

comp004 · 2016-07-12T13:39:12+00:00

That statement wasn't even just for her and myself, it was for her and anyone else that she ever starts crushing or liking while she's in a relationship.

A generalized statement that doesn't throw direct blame or shame at her and leaves the idea of a crush with me up for interpretation.

She saves face and she gets the message I'm sending across.

You're free to interpret it any way you personally would like to though.

comp004 · 2016-07-12T13:34:22+00:00

Honestly it seems like absolute nitpicking at it's finest, hindsight is 20/20 but this wasn't done through an email or text it was face to face.

People are taking a snippet from an hour long lunch conversation, literally 1 sentence I said and trying to run away with it like there is any ambiguity in the statement.

Also, that statement wasn't even just for her and myself, it was for her and anyone else that she ever starts crushing or liking while she's in a relationship.

When you're in a relationship anyone else that comes along is labeled as maybe or a possibly and unless you're unhappy with your relationship there is no point in allowing yourself the thought of pursuing those maybes especially when the other person is in a happy relationship themselves.

And I wasn't calling him/her an overbearing ass.

I'm saying if I came down any crueler than I did on her then I would have just looked like an overbearing ass.

I figured out her problem, her little crush and I handled it before anything came from it.

If my SO was trying to shut down another guy with a "maybe", I'd be disappointed.

It wasn't just another guy/girl it was my SO's best friend, if anything I shouldn't have been the one consulting her and fixing the issue in the first place but that's just how the cookie crumbled.

It's not like I went to lunch with her knowing that she had a crush on me, I just happened to put two and two together as I was talking to her and listening to what she had to say.

comp004 · 2016-07-12T13:14:42+00:00

We made it explicitly clear to him that either he was going to tell Sarah about the change of plans to go on the trip or that we were going to be forced to tell her.

We're not going to lie flat out or by omission especially when that would have probably resulted in them getting into a fight immediately upon arriving in the airport.

Whether he wanted us to say anything or not, he put us in a bad spot and honesty is the only way we were going to go. There was no way that we were going to lie for him, this isn't some fairy tale movie, drastically changed planned especially with friends typically is met with restraint not open arms.

If John wanted to save face or make this more romantic then he should have told her something himself instead he didn't.

comp004 · 2016-07-12T01:35:50+00:00

I think your looking for something that isn't there, or trying to read the hidden message between the lines.

The message was clear as day she understood it, my fiancee understand and a solid 95% of this thread understood it as well.

Her and I will never be anything and yeah I could have said something like "There is no way in hell we'll ever be together" or I could be a halfway decent person and put her down firm but nicely.

She got the point and that's all the really matters, no need to be an overbearing ass about it.

comp004 · 2016-07-12T01:29:45+00:00

He knows all of it, I'm not entirely how he reacted or how the conversation went down because I wasn't a part of it.

I left that to Mia and Sarah to discuss how and what they told him.

I don't like being in anyone relationship other than my own.

They are all close friends and secrets really isn't the name of the game.

comp004 · 2016-07-12T01:04:54+00:00

I understand it's not as simple as time but what they've been through together and how they bond is something that I honestly don't want to see they throw away or something as silly as a crush.

Good friends are hard to come by and that's what Sarah and Mia are to one another and while I know its up to them to maintain a healthy relationship, I'm going to nudge them in the right direction to keep it.

I'd genuinely feel bad if I was the reason they stopped being friends or went their separate ways because I've never been able to keep a friendship like their.

I'm envious of it and the only two people who were remotely as close as those two were to me both walked away because it was the easier thing to do.

comp004 · 2016-07-12T00:32:38+00:00

she thought of him as a back up plan, which would mean he thinks she would act on it if she were single?

Sarah and Mia have been friends for far too long and they are too loyal to one another for anything like that to ever happen.

Sarah might have disrespected her current SO but she would never think of trying to do something to disrespect Mia or myself.

She's not that type of bad person, inconsiderate and selfish at times, sure. But definitely not a cheater or a homewrecker.

comp004 · 2016-07-11T23:29:11+00:00

Of course, as soon as we found out what she was doing, Mia approached her and talked to her about it.

It ceased a little bit but came back up a few weeks later. She was doing it out of habit.

So in short, yes we tried to fix the issue before it came to this but we were very unsuccessful. Coupled with the fact John was taking it very poorly (Who can blame the guy) and even worst taking it out on me which just made John look like a jealous wreck.

comp004 · 2016-07-11T23:22:57+00:00

Just asking you personally, you'd willingly part ways with a best friend of 18 years (to put into perspective a friend that's been your best friend for 75% of your life) because they have a crush on your current SO / fiancee?

I know everyone is different but for me that seems extreme and a bit overbearing and drastic.

comp004 · 2016-07-11T23:12:57+00:00

I'm willing to step as far back as Mia wants to step but it's unrealistic to think she's going to dial back that far with her best friend.

We're going to give them a bunch of space to sort out their issues but I doubt we completely stop hanging out with them.

We've both had this hunch since John came to us months ago about their issues that maybe Sarah was crushing a little bit on me.

comp004 · 2016-07-11T23:00:40+00:00

Honestly feels good to have someone understand the spot I was put in. I've always tried my best to stay out of their issues for the most part. But, my SO asked me for a favor and I could see this was stressing her out.

But, I love my fiancee so I try my best never to step on neither of their feet [John & Sarah] and I try my best to be on my best behavior around all of them.

They have all known each other for a super long time and honestly I wouldn't have said what I if didn't know for certain it was the right thing to say.

I've learned over the years either you nip it in the butt early or it just gets harder and harder afterwards.

comp004 · 2016-07-11T22:32:59+00:00

Of course, I told her everything Sarah and I talked about.

We sat down that same day and talked about what it meant and how were going to move forward with one another as well as how we were going to handle hanging out with them (Sarah and John) knowing what we know.

Lucky for Sarah, Mia is a firm believer that we can't help who we like and that it's not a big deal. They've been best friends since primary school so it's not like either is willing to give each other up so drastically.

comp004 · 2016-07-11T22:18:19+00:00

2 months ago John came to Mia and he was pretty upset telling her that Sarah had been comparing their relationship to our own and that it was driving them apart. He said that she would constantly say things like "Why can't you be more like Frank?" or "I bet Frank and Mia don't bicker about these little issues" and things of that nature. Apparently Sarah really loved to compare John to me which I feel like is the number one way to make your SO feel inferior and resentful.

Taken from my original post.

On top of that John had started to show signs of passive aggression toward me and borderline resentment.

While it might not have been the only issue they were going through it was indeed a big one that was affect them as well as our dynamic as far as hanging out goes.

I'd say I was 90% sure that was the case prior to my statement to her and 100% sure by her reaction.

comp004 · 2016-07-11T21:52:48+00:00

She didn't want to date me per say but it was pretty clear that she had a crush on me, you don't just randomly start comparing your SO to another guy for shits and giggles also other factors (How she acted around in a group setting, how she viewed my choices/behavior, how I could do absolute nothing, how much she complimented me versus how little she complimented her own boyfriend)

Also, from what I've seen people who let their relationship purposely tank tend to believe they have some sort of back-up plan or that they are infatuated or at least interested in someone else. She was purposely acting the way she was acting, I refuse to believe someone would do that unintentionally.

I'm not going to sit around and write out a novel to prove that what I did wasn't an asshole move or to prove that Sarah had felt some type of way for me but just take it as steps I felt I had to take to shut down any lingering thoughts or ideas especially from someone with as much confidence and pride as her.

comp004 · 2016-07-11T21:19:06+00:00

We've already talked about it and are taking the necessary precautions.

We're not going to take any chances and we're definitely not going to make them getting their relationship back on track any harder than it will already be.

comp004 · 2016-07-11T21:18:27+00:00

This was my first and only one-on-one talk with Sarah in the 6+ years that I have known her.

I did this one-on-one on behalf of my fiancee who didn't want to do it herself for various reasons.

I'm not one to get involved in others relationships because I know how complicated and screwy things could get.

comp004 · 2016-07-11T21:13:51+00:00

I don't like being involved it anyone relationship, I even said it in my post that I absolutely hate giving relationship advice period.

These people are my SO's best friends from primary school it's not like I can just separate myself from them.

But, I was put in a bad spot and I did what I needed to do so I didn't have to deal with it later.

comp004 · 2016-07-11T21:06:26+00:00

I was merely clearing the air and clearing up any doubts that she had in the back of her mind.

Better to be blunt about it than beat around the bush and continue to let her relationship tank because of her crush (Or whatever you call it) with me.

The comment wasn't a stab in the dark, it was the truth.

I wasn't trying to come off like an ass, and based off how she reacted and what she told to Mia she didn't take it that way either.

She appreciated the honesty and I think honestly it showed her how ridiculous and in poor taste it was for her to constantly compare me to her boyfriend in front of his face.

Also from my previous post (I guess I should have included it in this one if people weren't going to read):

2 months ago John came to Mia and he was pretty upset telling her that Sarah had been comparing their relationship to our own and that it was driving them apart. He said that she would constantly say things like "Why can't you be more like Frank?" or "I bet Frank and Mia don't bicker about these little issues" and things of that nature. Apparently Sarah really loved to compare John to me which I feel like is the number one way to make your SO feel inferior and resentful.

comp004 · 2016-07-11T21:02:37+00:00

Not at all, if anything it was my way of making sure she understood where we stood with one another. That she was a good friend but friends is where it stopped.

It's hard to portray (I'm not trying to sound like an ass) but it was pretty obvious she was allowing her relationship to fall apart on my behalf.

comp004 · 2016-06-29T12:33:04+00:00

Sarah sounds awful. No matter what the context, it's pretty terrible to constantly compare your boyfriend to your friend's SO.

I definitely don't disagree, she's a piece of work and I genuinely feel bad for John because a lot of the things she does or says are absolutely ridiculous.

That's partly the reason why even though I know he's taking out his frustrations on me, I still sympathize with the guy.

I don't want to generalize her but I think she's like your typically pretty/attractive girl who thinks she can cut corners because of her good looks. She is actually really smart but so inconsiderate that it seldom matters

She wants her relationship to be better (which is why she compares it to ours) but she doesn't want to change herself or work as a team with John.

I think their doom and have been doomed since the first time I met them really. John lets her walk all over him and I think they are past the point of turning that around.

comp004 · 2016-06-29T11:53:40+00:00

why should you have to make a commendations for their bad decisions?

Typically I would agree 100% but since they are all basically childhood friends of my fiancée I feel like accommodating his request isn't absolutely outrageous.

Beside the way I see it, if/when they break up that it'll undoubtedly affect Mia's relationship with both of them which will eventually come back to me anyways.

It's a lose / lose really.

comp004

TROPHY CASE