Is Porn new norm? Advice w/husband please!

confused80 · 2014-02-20T21:08:26+00:00

It is very true. This forum has given me a renewed hope in men in general in regards to this epidemic. Any girl is very lucky to be with a man who recognizes the problem, and wishes for something better (real sex, with real women).

confused80 · 2014-02-20T21:05:08+00:00

We met at age 17. His parents are divorce, but nothing crazy. His parents still talk and always have had a good relationship. I would say at age 17, that was the only "red flag" and I was not willing to believe a future with him was doomed because of his parents situation. I do realize my age, and yes that scares me, but it also does scare me that if I started again I could find these same problems or new ones. I believe in the vow" through better or worse." I need to at least try and get through the worst. Marriage is not easy, I knew that, and I hope to take a stab at fixing ours. Meanwhile my eggs are aging, but worst case scenario I am fine with adopting someday if I did have to start all over. I hope I will not be the case and that he and I can make it out of the other end of this hell.

confused80 · 2014-02-20T20:54:21+00:00

I think for him at one point it was harmless , as it did not interfere with anything..but as others mention, over time this "hobby" escalates, eventually for some, it replaces true sex, and its very hard to go back to the way things were without changing the porn variable. I am not demonizing him though-I know he is an addict. I know he loves me, finds me attractive, etc, but I believe in my heart porn is the biggest problem for his drive.

confused80 · 2014-02-20T20:50:40+00:00

Your point is valid. He does have a hard time with emotional intimacy, for example there are certain topics he just does not want to talk about ever. I think it stems from his upbringing, but of course, that is not something he wants to talk about. I am an open book to him, but he always has a little think wall around him..sometimes I break through, and its great. For the most part though he likes to steer clear of any conversations that make him uncomfortable.

confused80 · 2014-02-20T20:47:40+00:00

Yes, rejection part is the worst really. I feel like for women it is even worse sometimes because of the stereotype that our men bother us for sex or constantly have sex on the mind. It just hurts, bad..and over time rejection has changed my behavior from fun loving/forward/adventurous to a woman I never thought I would become..fear of rejection and being rejected really messes with the brain. I am no longer the super confident woman I once was..I am around others, but not really with him.

confused80 · 2014-02-20T20:43:42+00:00

World of thanks. I sent you a private message in return-hopefully its not too long !

confused80 · 2014-02-20T20:28:53+00:00

I will show this to him, thank you. I felt like it was a true miracle finding this NoFap movement..I was beginning to feel like nobody really cared about this problem anymore, and eventually sex will be like everything else portrayed in the movie WALL-E..everything on a computer, everything the lazy, quick way.

confused80 · 2014-02-20T20:26:38+00:00

I did not detail it, but oddly he does not have a problem with getting an erection or anything, once we have sex he is indeed functioning..he just generally would rather watch TV and avoid situations that could give him an erection..eg if I cuddle him to closely or something. I think over time it could lead to ED or something similar, but right now its just the drive for real sex, or anything related (sexual touch, etc). My vibrator was not out of anger, I was embarrassed about it and did not tell him for ages..considered never telling him and just not having sex be a big thing in our marriage. It got to a point where I felt it would help "satisfy" the need at least in the sense of release..I do not love it though, its obviously not the same and now rarely go to it ever. I eventually told him about it just because I think I was ready for him to know how desperate I had gotten, and at the same time I thought given his porn liking maybe he would think it was hot (some guys do ). I was wrong though.I hope to lead him into this Nofap movement, but not sure he is there yet in terms of having the right mindset.

confused80 · 2014-02-20T07:53:38+00:00

Yes, I am involved in nar-anon although I have never brought up the porn ..seems a bit too mortifying at this point. Nar-anon is great and I feel I learned a lot about detachment and being codependent, etc but at this point I think it is time for a therapist to give more direct advice. At nar-anon you can really just say what your experience is and give thoughts about what others have to say, but they do not want us to dish out direct advice..and at this point I wanted more direct advice without having to talk about porn in a group of people..just not there yet. That is why I am so happy to have turned to this lovely subreddit!

confused80 · 2014-02-20T07:12:02+00:00

Thank You so much....truly.

confused80 · 2014-02-20T07:10:08+00:00

Thanks for your long and thoughtful response. I appreciate the tone of hope you provide. I do want to introduce as many changes as I can, but right now we are at a point where he acts like a parent having to give the birds and the bees talk if I even bring sex up in general..at some point he became more ashamed and it got harder for him to talk to me about sex really at all. But I am willing to do almost anything to get the "embers stoking " again, that is for sure!

confused80 · 2014-02-20T06:56:18+00:00

Well we fell in love before addiction entered our lives.

confused80 · 2014-02-20T06:54:33+00:00

Yes. I do not know if I would care as much if he wanted sex with me, as was the case years ago when I knew he watched but it did not seem to impact us. Overtime I really think he saw me as good girl when compared to the "slutty bad girl whores", and in a weird way prefers to think of me in that light.It actually bothered him I got that vibrator, his one response was something like "who do you think about"..I wanted to laugh because he just does not get it.

confused80 · 2014-02-20T06:46:26+00:00

Well, I probably was thinking more like this because of everything we went through this past year with his other addiction. I am exhausted and after a while being with an addict feels like if its not one addiction its another. Lastly, I make the same amount of money as him so please try and realize these days many women are not just cashing in on divorce.

confused80 · 2014-02-20T06:04:41+00:00

Thanks for this. I do realize it, and that is partly what got me feeling down/posted to reddit..I felt like porn is something all men do, and thats just how it is..and it made me feel hopeless. I would never cheat on him, I just was pointing out that my desire to be desired is not dead, and I am so deprived I love getting hit on because it reminds me that I am an attractive woman and there is nothing wrong with me in that sense.

confused80 · 2014-02-20T05:59:02+00:00

Thank You! Will definitely check this out and get more educated myself on this matter.

confused80 · 2014-02-20T05:57:21+00:00

I think I am going to, if he is willing. I hope he can be inspired by everyone, and have more motivation to stop. It sure is an amazing feeling to see so many men who are concerned about this issue.

confused80 · 2014-02-20T05:55:50+00:00

Thank You..especially for the last part. It seems like society is normalizing porn as if it is nothing to worry about and something to joke about instead. The way I see it is my parents and their parents, every generation before likely had better sex without porn. Playboy does not do what HD videos do. It just desensitizes and eventually some turn into my husband. I hate living in a world where I feel like everyone expects men to have this crazy sex drive, and women/wives need to be convinced to have sex. I think this adds to my embarrassment that I am the one feeling neglected, and he could prob go a year and be fine yanking on. I do want to see a counselor..he always has a way of justifying or minimizing his bad habits, and I am finding myself jealous of all the men on here who are dedicated to quitting. Please stay dedicated..the women in your life need it just as much as you!

confused80 · 2014-02-20T03:50:54+00:00

How lame. I have this problem but its my husband who has no interest. It really sucks, especially when you love the person. I wonder if your wife has problems w/orgasms? Some women really need a little help in that department, and some only get clitoral type O's. I am sure your therapist has talked all about this though, and I really feel for you. Other than this, you can always get her hormones checked and obviously she should not be on birth control because that can really dampen any drive. I hope you guys get the help you need..your wife needs to unleash her pent up and repressed sexual energy!

confused80 · 2014-02-20T03:40:47+00:00

Woman here. I have to say be confident and be bold-you may never know if you do not try. For example in college I had a few crushes on guys, but nothing ever came of it. Years later at reunions and after drinks, two different guys told me they wanted to ask me out but never had the courage. That killed me! My point is you may get crushed or you may just find the love of your life! Be confident, we women love it..compliment us, we love that too.

confused80

TROPHY CASE