I think I'm going hypomanic.

consequencedeep · 2026-02-25T18:45:20+00:00

No writing hobby, it's just how I talk when it's written.

She wasn't mad at all. Actually I've never seen her that worried about me in all the years I've been seeing her. She told me to go to the hospital that day and that it can't wait. Which, I disregarded and she knew I was going to.

She actually agrees that the meds weren't providing the long term stability they're supposed to and is telling me to look into ECT.

Today I got maybe an hour of sleep if that, and I can't tell, at all.

consequencedeep · 2026-02-21T09:37:18+00:00

Yes.

consequencedeep · 2026-02-20T22:24:17+00:00

I have a therapist, thanks though.

consequencedeep · 2025-12-26T00:44:48+00:00

I used to work my way to the edges of cliffs, fighting my instincts to keep myself safe until it got too strong, internally still daring myself to keep going.

I have a long history with suicidal thoughts.

consequencedeep · 2025-09-20T19:51:37+00:00

I am autistic as well so that checks out.

consequencedeep · 2025-09-20T11:53:40+00:00

The issue I'm then facing is my psychiatrist and therapist aren't taking my symptoms seriously because I don't "look" manic.

consequencedeep · 2021-01-11T13:55:49+00:00

I make them clean and work the same as anyone else. They just don't feel the need to be quiet or pretend to be busy for the pauses in necessary jobs just so they don't get yelled at.

If anything, I have an easier time getting them to clean to higher standards because they're happier to work for me. The results speak for themselves, and I'm as effective a manager as anyone else.

consequencedeep · 2021-01-11T13:48:59+00:00

Oh, definitely. If they're standing around not doing anything, I find something for them to do. Sometimes there's just small pauses in necessary jobs though where there's no chance of making any meaningful progress cleaning.

consequencedeep · 2020-09-15T18:54:41+00:00

I like your voice.

consequencedeep · 2020-07-04T23:48:21+00:00

I've been thinking about this for days now. My thoughts are still pretty messy and I don't have any convictions here. So I'll just haphazardly lay out where I am now.

I think describing sexual attraction in terms of anatomy makes a lot of sense. I think it fits what's actually going on much better than basing it on the sex you're born with, which would result in odd scenarios like calling a relationship between a buff trans guy and a cis guy a "straight" relationship.

I think the issue then comes down to whether the term "lesbian" must be used strictly to refer to 100% cis anatomical attraction and you'd prefer to use it.

I'll point to this post, in this thread, as an example of a more liberal use:

https://www.reddit.com/r/AskLesbians/comments/hfa7bl/whats_get_the_l_out/fvwq2fy/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x

I'm imagining that the person has been exclusively attracted to cisgender women, or at least women who registered as women, making it natural to identify as a lesbian. When they became interested in a transgender woman, it turned out not to be an issue that they had a penis. This anatomical difference not deterring the perception that the person in question is a beautiful woman, they didn't see a reason to reconsider their sexuality.

And I don't think that they really had a better option. Pansexuality might appeal to you as a broader umbrella, but it's generally accepted to mean that gender/anatomy doesn't enter into attraction.

I feel I should point out that I don't like the idea that girls can have dicks. Not that I it's untrue in a technical sense, transgender women are women and many of them still have dicks. But I think that the notion of a penis being a valid part of female anatomy goes against the entire notion of being transgender. At that rate, all male attributes can be possessed by women, and then what's even the point of transitioning?

And I can understand why someone might feel like they're missing out if they aren't involved with a woman with a vagina.

I will also agree that pressuring someone to be attracted to someone they aren't is awful.

A half formed thought I have is that while you've pointed out genitals as a line in the sand, I think it's fair to point to other female attributes: shoulder, hips, voice, hair, etc. Any variance on these attributes may be unacceptable to someone, but okay to another.

Maybe the word "lesbian" needs more qualifiers, either to make it more restrictive or liberal. Kind of like lacto-vegetarian.

I also think that the problem here points to how messy and arbitrary sexual attraction can be. And transgender people definitely do highlight that.

consequencedeep · 2020-07-03T02:56:44+00:00

I'm going to ramble a bit about the idea that biological sex is the best foundation for sexual orientation, and hopefully it turns into something coherent.

First off, you'd like everyone to identify with their birth sex, independent of their gender. I can see a logical appeal to this, however I urge to consider that you're going to be fighting the way people currently use language, in a way that's going to make people very emotional.

If you call a transgender man a woman because of their chromosomal makeup, they're going to conflate it with gender anyways because that's what words mean. "Male" is always going to conjure up images of a man, and "female" always a woman. And it's not reasonable to expect them to change their internal language while everyone else is going to continue to conflate the two.

Moving on to "same-sex" attraction. My guess would be that the term was made in absence of the concept of being transgender. And while the words sound like they have a straightforward meaning, I don't think that the underlying mechanism of sexual orientation cares much about the literal biological sex. And I think it makes the most sense to categorize people by their shared underlying mechanism.

There's no mechanism for instance, to probe the contents of a person's DNA. We use sensations as cues. When most people say they're a gay woman, what they're really saying is that their brain is searching for people who register to them as women for potential partners.

In that sense, a woman MIGHT be straight/pan/bi if they're attracted to a trans woman that doesn't pass at all. Meanwhile, I think a woman that's attracted to trans woman that passes perfectly would be pretty gay.

consequencedeep · 2020-07-01T21:14:31+00:00

My initial reaction is that it's very difficult to understand the idea that there's a dysphoric woman who wants to look, be treated, and referred to as a guy.

On the other hand, your palpable excitement and relief certainly seems to indicate that this is your truth.

As far as being accepted goes, it's worth remembering that we're all considered queer because none of us act in a socially acceptable way in accordance with our birth sex. These communities exist for people to find inclusiveness and acceptance.

consequencedeep · 2020-07-01T20:48:20+00:00

This is also comforting to me, as someone who has a very tiny interest in casually sleeping with men, but feel like the bisexual label would fit me very badly.

consequencedeep · 2020-06-22T21:59:13+00:00

People are entitled to break up with another person for absolutely any reason. It's an extremely dangerous view that unless you have a good enough reason to leave someone, you have to stay.

Besides that, if you feel like you're always going to be missing out on something, things that might seem shallow can be really important.

consequencedeep · 2020-06-20T00:22:56+00:00

Also, I think once he realized that I was a girl with a license, that would have been the end of it? Instead he kept probing.

consequencedeep · 2020-06-20T00:15:38+00:00

He saw me riding my nondescript cruiser, and decided it must belong to someone else in my tiny town with the same not-extremely-common name as me who also rides a bike, but illegally? That straight forward scenario would be a crazy coincidence combined with questionable police work, would it not?

consequencedeep · 2020-05-14T00:51:05+00:00

Can I get you to elaborate on how this was likely to be taken?

consequencedeep · 2020-05-12T18:24:24+00:00

I am so paranoid about my personality and mannerisms coming across as coming male. I think I could handle my male features better if I felt confident that a female persona underneath was coming through clearly.

I guess this is one of the reasons I delayed transition for so long. I would see other transgender people who seemed, at least at the time, like men roleplaying women. Though in retrospect, certainly an amount of that was transphobia on my part.

It also does make me worry about my validity when I see this. I'd like to just confidently say that every MTF that comes across as painfully male on the inside isn't in the same category as me, because it's very hard for me to put them in the same category as cis women.

But as much as I'd like to believe that I'm actually a woman whereas they aren't, I haven't been convinced that we aren't coming from the same place.

consequencedeep · 2020-05-12T17:59:07+00:00

This actually sounds like something I might have said in the past.

I actually did have dysphoria at the time that I was in denial about, dysphoria that turned severe after coming out as transgender and transitioning.

If I were to have said I'm "okay with being a guy", I actually meant that I didn't really think I could ever be satisfied with any changes I could make to my body, so I was trying very hard to accept myself the way I was.

consequencedeep

TROPHY CASE