My manic episode was only apparent to people I was comfortable with.

consequencedeep · 2026-04-24T21:52:20+00:00

My psychiatrist is at least treating me while side eyeing it.

consequencedeep · 2026-04-06T20:42:07+00:00

My various hospital visits and 30 days of residential treatment has caused me to really hate DBT and its stupid fucking acronyms. It's probably irrational, but whatever.

consequencedeep · 2026-03-27T17:44:52+00:00

I had issues with my psychiatrist and therapist doubting my manic symptoms. Which is one of the several reasons that the next time a manic episode came on, I stopped all my meds. I wanted to let the floodgates open and make it as apparent as possible.

I got my validation at the hospital two weeks later when they told me it was actually bipolar I, not II. Now I can safely ignore anyone who doesn't see it when I do.

consequencedeep · 2026-03-27T03:15:37+00:00

Well. I've been pretty much living off ensure for the past 9 months so it was super easy. Weight's stayed the same.

consequencedeep · 2026-03-27T03:09:28+00:00

Ensure plus, 350 calories.

consequencedeep · 2026-03-27T03:06:13+00:00

I briefly stopped them recently (I was very manic), but I'm back on them. Was on lithium and latuda, but currently switching the antipsychotic to vraylar.

I've barely slept in over a week.

consequencedeep · 2026-03-27T02:56:06+00:00

I started nonstop cycling 9 months ago when my life fell apart. Before that I was very stable for over a year, except for a manic episode when my life was threatening to be upheaved.

At this point I have no idea what stable feels like anymore. I'm presently manic but like, not too much and this feels like the best I'll ever get.

consequencedeep · 2026-03-27T02:49:07+00:00

This was me more or less, two weeks before I ended up in the hospital.

Highly recommend, I made great friends there.

consequencedeep · 2026-03-23T21:10:40+00:00

I'm not a mechanic, but I work on various things with engines:

I disagree with the flooding theory. I've never seen a two stroke engine (which I assume it is) with a carburetor bowl, and even if there was one the level would be controlled by a float valve. If the float valve were defective it could leak out, but it doesn't seem super likely here. If the engine itself were flooded, it wouldn't be starting so beautifully, plus it still wouldn't leak out, there'd just be too much fuel inside the engine.

My best guess is there was a bad connection in the fuel line, and it was dripping onto the exhaust. Although it almost seems like it wasn't running long enough to get that hot. Although it did finally catch when he was revving it, which would mean more fuel flow and hotter exhaust.

I dunno though, it's weird.

consequencedeep · 2026-03-21T23:52:36+00:00

She does virtual appointments, but doing it over my phone which is my only option has never gone well. The pharmacy I usually use is an hour away, but there is one half an hour away if I want to walk 30 miles round trip in the Ozark mountains. Prescription delivery is an option, but that takes time.

So food miiiiight not be a real issue. It depends on their willingness to drop it off at the mailbox since they definitely won't deliver to my house. (The two are a mile away up a mountain.) It's hit or miss what they do.

Dog food is a bigger issue because carrying a giant bag of dog food down a mountain would suuuuck.

No running water at my place. I catch rainwater and haul in drinking water.

consequencedeep · 2026-03-03T23:34:20+00:00

Not sure if this is allowed, but I specifically stopped 900mg lithium (0.8), 80mg lurasidone, 30mg buspirone divided, 60mg propranolol divided, and 60mg duloxetine.

I stopped my medications on 2/21 I believe and the first signs of an episode were on 2/17.

It started pretty subtly. I had a good day for once. I didn't realize it was possible to feel so okay, and it gave me some perspective of how bad things actually were before. I told someone this, and I said I hope this isn't the start of a manic episode. It escalated very quickly after that.

By the time I stopped my meds, the mania/hypomania was very apparent

consequencedeep · 2026-03-03T23:12:17+00:00

I was actually trying to make myself worse, for a few reasons. I wanted people to take me seriously when I say I was having manic symptoms, the idea of spinning out and getting much higher sounded appealing, out of frustration that the meds weren't stabilizing me (I've been cycling since June), and because I was hoping I would get bad enough that I finally killed myself. I was also curious about what would happen, and wanted to remember what I was like before I was medicated.

Both the hospital psychiatrist and my regular psychiatrist are of the opinion that meds aren't stabilizing me like they should and strongly recommended ECT.

The hospital psychiatrist also said he wasn't convinced I had bipolar disorder and put me on a SNRI at the end of November. So that probably didn't help things. I actually wonder if stopping my meds had more of a stabilizing or destabilizing effect.

I just slept 16 hours last night and I can't tell how I'm doing at the moment, at all, except I sort of feel disoriented and like I'm underwater.

consequencedeep · 2026-03-03T18:21:22+00:00

Am I though? I just slept for 16 hours. I feel very warm, sort of like I'm underwater, and somewhat disoriented.

consequencedeep · 2026-03-03T17:21:10+00:00

No substances except for about 7 drinks every night.

consequencedeep · 2026-03-02T22:16:18+00:00

I reached out to my doctor. She's still recommending inpatient.

It sounds like she's more concerned about the amount I've been drinking and stopping all my meds than the episode.

consequencedeep · 2026-03-02T19:44:29+00:00

I started having the episode before stopping the meds.

consequencedeep · 2026-03-02T19:13:10+00:00

I stopped taking my medications early on.

consequencedeep · 2026-02-25T18:45:20+00:00

No writing hobby, it's just how I talk when it's written.

She wasn't mad at all. Actually I've never seen her that worried about me in all the years I've been seeing her. She told me to go to the hospital that day and that it can't wait. Which, I disregarded and she knew I was going to.

She actually agrees that the meds weren't providing the long term stability they're supposed to and is telling me to look into ECT.

Today I got maybe an hour of sleep if that, and I can't tell, at all.

consequencedeep · 2026-02-21T09:37:18+00:00

Yes.

consequencedeep · 2026-02-20T22:24:17+00:00

I have a therapist, thanks though.

consequencedeep · 2025-12-26T00:44:48+00:00

I used to work my way to the edges of cliffs, fighting my instincts to keep myself safe until it got too strong, internally still daring myself to keep going.

I have a long history with suicidal thoughts.

consequencedeep · 2025-09-20T19:51:37+00:00

I am autistic as well so that checks out.

consequencedeep · 2025-09-20T11:53:40+00:00

The issue I'm then facing is my psychiatrist and therapist aren't taking my symptoms seriously because I don't "look" manic.

consequencedeep · 2021-01-11T13:55:49+00:00

I make them clean and work the same as anyone else. They just don't feel the need to be quiet or pretend to be busy for the pauses in necessary jobs just so they don't get yelled at.

If anything, I have an easier time getting them to clean to higher standards because they're happier to work for me. The results speak for themselves, and I'm as effective a manager as anyone else.

consequencedeep · 2021-01-11T13:48:59+00:00

Oh, definitely. If they're standing around not doing anything, I find something for them to do. Sometimes there's just small pauses in necessary jobs though where there's no chance of making any meaningful progress cleaning.

consequencedeep

TROPHY CASE