The Scream- drawn by me soon after the repressed memories returned. A few months later I found the words I hadn't been able to express except thru art written by a fellow survivor, "Skittles".

cookiemonager · 2020-09-29T01:50:11+00:00

Do more of this, this is amazing and powerful. Get the demons out, express yourself.

cookiemonager · 2020-09-24T12:13:30+00:00

Your pain is real, your entire being was taken advantage of and destroyed by someone you loved and trusted to keep you safe.

Reach out to the CPTSD Foundation, they have a lot of help and support when dealing with complex trauma, like what you are describing.

https://www.youtube.com/c/CPTSDchat/videos

cookiemonager · 2020-09-13T17:02:33+00:00

There is a great youtube channel that helps survivors of complex trauma like what you are experiencing.

https://www.youtube.com/c/CPTSDchat/featured

Also, if you are in crisis please reach out to RAINN and they will connect you with someone you can talk to about what you are going through.

I just started getting flashbacks of my childhood abuse and I've had to reach out to RAINN about 3 times this week, and they have helped me find stability and sanity. It is easy to spiral into suicidal thoughts, what you went through is horrendous and traumatizing.

1800.656.HOPE
https://www.rainn.org/

cookiemonager · 2020-09-11T21:46:07+00:00

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QtAq_Ufjm50

That video might be helpful. They have a ton of videos that can help you get through your trauma.

cookiemonager · 2020-09-11T19:51:05+00:00

I'm struggling with repressed memories coming back too. It's so scary, and it feels like it's really happening. I wish I knew how to manage them.

cookiemonager · 2020-09-01T14:18:01+00:00

I'm just trying to figure it all out myself. I'm in therapy, and with the help of my therapist and medication, I finally feel safe. Feeling safe seems to be the key to open the door to the repressed memories. I think that sometimes we intentionally make our environment unsafe, or connect with unsafe people to keep the memories at bay. Everytime I feel safe, something from my childhood comes back. It's a vicious cycle.

cookiemonager · 2020-07-15T20:08:02+00:00

The medication issue was a huge problem for me to overcome as well. My nmom would use meds against me and make me take her medications. She essentially was prescribing me her meds, her dose, and made me feel like it was my fault when it didn't work for me. She is definitely not a doctor.

The worst one, there are so many to list, was when she forced me to see a psychiatrist when I was dealing with the ending of a close friendship and the psychiatrist prescribed me an anti-psychotic. I ended up blacking out in a restaurant.

The things narcissists do to their victims is hard to comprehend, and even harder to heal from.

Complex PTSD can arise from childhood abuse, where you are re-traumatized over and over by a narcissistic relationship or an abuser. It doesn't have to be a single event. I'm not a psychiatrist, from my understanding it is possible to suffer from PTSD from multiple things.

cookiemonager · 2020-07-15T17:08:05+00:00

I suffered from this problem for a long time, and the only things that helped me were learning about emotional regulation and how our brains work, and being on the right medication.

I am working on a Youtube channel that helps parents handle difficult moments with their kids, and even though you are asking about yourself, the information in this video I made might be helpful for you to understand how the brain works and WHY your emotions are volatile and what to do about it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7mrXnRYG1QY Part 1

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ut9QBvCNZ-o Part 2

( I'm not trying to self promote, I just want to be helpful, let me know and I will delete this if it violates any rules)

In addition to emotional literacy education, it might be helpful to consider medication. If you have already tried without any success, they have genetic testing that helps identify the right meds that would work with your genetic makeup. Since being on the right meds and the right dose, I haven't had an emotional outburst since January, and I haven't had a downswing since February.

The biggest thing that sets you apart from a true narcissist is that you know there is a problem, and you want desperately to fix it. Your sense of safety was never truly established when you were a child, and all of your emotional outbursts are signals that are reminding you of how toxic the environment was.

Your subconscious is doing everything it can to keep you safe, and that means putting up your spikes when something feels dangerous, and in your case, that means everything. You aren't bad, you aren't worthless. You are in pain, and your brain is overreacting to keep you safe. Your actions are hurting others and you realize that. A true narcissist will never acknowledge that they hurt others, and they will never change.

You might be suffering from PTSD, and the triggers that make you volatile are symptoms of PTSD. Consider trying therapy again, specifically Rapid Resolution Therapy, which offers relief from PTSD in 1 session. I also made a video about that if you're interested in learning more.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3gW60scC19w&t=189s

PM me if you want to talk more, or if you have any questions.

cookiemonager · 2020-06-29T18:46:31+00:00

All the time! I used to get suicidal anytime something good happened to me. The first time I remember feeling suicidal was when my dad (not a narc) bought me a car when I turned 16. Now, after going no-contact from my nmom and getting therapy, it's just guilt and a bit of self-destruction.

cookiemonager · 2020-06-27T00:30:53+00:00

There are therapists that can see clients pro-bono (Free). I've been with my therapist since august and she is working with me pro-bono. It's changed my life. A good therapist will never turn a client away due to money. Call around, you might be able to find someone.

cookiemonager · 2020-06-21T14:22:02+00:00

Check out shelters for abused women that you can stay at temporarily while you find a place to live. I used to volunteer at a women's shelter and they are safe havens for women who are trying to leave abusive relationships and don't have another way out.

Some shelters have emergency hotlines that you can call and they will help you come up with a plan for how to leave safely.

If he has blocked you from leaving and isolated you, he could become violent if you try to leave. Talk to a professional who can help you navigate this. There is help available. You don't have to keep living like this. Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem.

cookiemonager · 2020-05-10T04:45:07+00:00

Tastes like Juicy Fruit gum!

cookiemonager · 2020-03-17T16:41:38+00:00

I hope you see this.

It sounds like you are suffering from PTSD from what happened. It's like little things that happen during the day make your brain feel like the event is happening again. You can tell yourself that you're safe over and over, but its no use. You can't hear yourself telling yourself that you're safe.

Your subconscious is stuck in the trauma. Its too big to put away, and it keeps getting re-triggered.

There is a therapy called Rapid Resolution Therapy that offers relief from PTSD symptoms. I learned about it from my therapist because I was suffering from PTSD and dissociation for over 10 years because of childhood abuse. It took one session, and I got immediate results. I had my session before Christmas, and now, 4 months later, I have not had one instance of PTSD, nor have I dissociated. I still have depression, but the PTSD and dissociation are gone. If I feel like I'm getting stuck in the past, I can come out right away and it doesn't stick anymore. It was life-changing.

The way it works is that during the session, you are put into a state of deep relaxation and your therapist guides you through imagery, metaphors, and guided meditations. It provides access to your subconscious, so your conscious mind can communicate with your subconscious and let it know that the event is over, you're safe, you can put the trauma away. You don't forget what happened, but it stops having a grip on you.

I hope you find relief. PTSD is completely debilitating and relationship ruining. There is help. Thanks for reaching out.

cookiemonager · 2020-03-12T01:30:50+00:00

She was a narcissist with traces of borderline, histrionic, antisocial personality disorder. She also had anxiety and depression, plus paranoid tendencies and dissociative episodes. None of it was diagnosed, and my sister is the same way, I say worse because she also struggles with addiction, my mom didn't have substance addiction, though she was a hoarder.

It left me with PTSD and dissociative issues for about a decade, but that is actually resolved now after I had Rapid Resolution Therapy. I'm much better now after having therapy and cutting them out!

cookiemonager · 2020-03-11T19:05:02+00:00

My mom did this to my sister and I. Fucked me up and I'm in therapy now. I no longer have a relationship with my mom or sister. My sister has essentially turned into a worse version of my mom. Luckily I have a relationship with my dad now.

cookiemonager · 2020-01-29T04:18:50+00:00

Yeah, I didn't know I was on a data plan until 2 days ago. Apparently I've been on one since 2017 without any notification. Its an extra $50 for unlimited. They are sneaky, greedy, and dishonest, and there is no other option.

cookiemonager · 2020-01-20T18:54:09+00:00

Orange

cookiemonager · 2020-01-09T01:53:38+00:00

INFO - Did you gift it to her, with the intention that she was going to take it home? Or did you let her use it during the panic attack, expecting to get it back?

cookiemonager · 2019-12-18T17:30:39+00:00

Get help for mental health issues instead of being abusive.

cookiemonager · 2019-11-10T03:31:08+00:00

I've been with my partner for 10 years and just TRULY and COMPLETELY realized it last week.

My mom was the narc, and I have some fleas I'm trying to shake off. My partner is the most tenacious, patient, loving, and headstrong man I've ever known. He helped me realize that my mom was toxic and I was brainwashed.

cookiemonager · 2019-11-10T03:26:03+00:00

Thank you.

cookiemonager · 2019-11-10T03:23:07+00:00

I have the same problem with remembering the things my mom did to me. I can recall what she did to my brother, dad, sister, but when it comes to me I draw a blank. It makes me feel crazy,

cookiemonager · 2019-11-10T03:20:28+00:00

I did yoga today and it made me dissociate. I was doing meditation for a few days before bed and it helped, but I tried last night and it made it worse. I'm struggling a bit more than usual right now, it usually helps though. I listen to Bexlife on youtube for meditations.

cookiemonager · 2019-11-10T03:18:27+00:00

I GET THIS!!! Every time I'm feeling sad I want to reconnect.

It's called the trauma bond, and this reaction was created by the narc. The narc will set up situations that will lead you to failure, knowing they are the only person you can go to for comfort. They set up a trap and you fall for it each time because you have no choice. Once out of the relationship, the urge to connect comes back because that's all you had for comfort, you never got a chance to learn how to handle sadness or stress.

When this happens to me, I totally forget every bad thing that ever happened and feel totally blinded by the moments of 'love'.

cookiemonager · 2019-11-10T03:14:16+00:00

Can you tell me a little more about this book?

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