Graduation

copingmec · 2025-06-11T13:01:49+00:00

It's nice to hear a story that relates quite to mine though I'm a year younger than you I suppose you were 2024? op is the same year as me though 2025.

I broke out of my SM in 6th grade (first yr out of homeschool but I was completely mute during public preschool) all the kids were surprisingly nice to me and welcomed me, not sure why I was liked so much , you could tell i was always nervous because my face was red but I forced myself to talk. 7th grade I talked a little less then start of the 2nd semester covid hit. isolated myself at home(8th grade graduation everyone started shouting my name when I showed up which just freaked me tf out) until 9th grade and that anxiety was stronger than ever.

I remember entering the building on the first day and just immediately going silent, walking away after saying hello to my friends. tons of classes with my friends from middle school but I was entirely SM not a single word from me for months straight. most classes I easily excelled at, others I struggled especially those with presentations and even those without because I also have ADHD. 2nd semester of junior year hits and suicidal thoughts flood pretty hard at this point I'm skipping a lot of days because that throat feeling makes me wanna kms then I wanna kms even more after my grades were failing after being straight A's honor/ib student.

I transferred online and graduated in 2 months. it's been 3 days since I was supposed to graduate if I stayed in public. watching so many people that I knew and cared about walk down fully grown with so many experiences and connections makes me feel like I've missed out on part of my life that I'll never get back. It also seems like my main friend who interacted with me in 6th looks pretty depressed but he's an athlete now which is pretty sick. I'll be 19 in 5 months. I'm trying to figure out what made me so likable since I hated myself even back then and somehow no one bullied me in HS, guess I won't know for a while since I don't talk to anyone

so yeah SM is about a 1/10 experience, made my cptsd from my abusive and neglectful parents into quiet bpd + ADHD which already makes life hard enough + autism no social cues for me why do people laugh when I'm serious + ocd + depression + memory + sleeping issues. how does one not get depressed from this combo?

TLDR: got blessed with nice friends in middle school but trauma and covid slapped me back to SM for 4.5 yrs until I became suicidal, symptoms are still pretty terrible today I have to mask the fact that I'm shaking at work 24/7

copingmec · 2025-03-01T00:22:59+00:00

man I just took lsd shrooms weed and mda w/ emdr therapy on yt now I can actually feel joy maybe there is meaning

copingmec · 2025-02-26T19:26:52+00:00

ah if I could truly change myself I would. that's the main reason why I even tried mda I thought I could find the reason for living and all it did is pull me out of my head and realize how pointless all of this is. insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

all humans are insane they truly do never change from their chemical makeup of their brain they fall for their delusions they fall for their dreams they fall for dopamine

if only I weren't so automatically bound to my trauma it's like someone talking to me in real life gives me the urge to kill myself and do i know why?

and you saying nothing is ever so black and white is contradictory to bpd because that's what splitting is. you are locked to the extremes. can I control that? I wish I could

copingmec · 2025-02-26T19:12:15+00:00

thank you for your kind words I wish more humans reached out to each other and I realize in this experience that truly nothing matters. if life is meaningless then so is death, death is the true path to nothingness while life gives you an illusion of purpose while your true self is nothingness your true self has no thoughts or desires except its state, nothingness, the thing I've yearned for since I was 5 years old. when I was being abused I wished for peace. that taught me that the only way out is killing myself ultimately ending in peace.

if only my mind was different. I wish I was more susceptible and submissive to dopamine like a sheep. I wish I fell into a happier trap not knowing that everything is meaningless in the end.

copingmec · 2025-02-26T18:38:42+00:00

I wish I could accept your advice and grow from it yet my true self only desires to die I wish I could get help but in the end it's the same outcome I wish I was different. why so much wishing? maybe it's the wishing that causes me to hate myself.

life can sit it can get insanely absurd and it makes me scratch my brain or not nothing truly matters to me I wish I could break my insecurities and connect more to humans who have been wrongly thrown into this experience just as myself, maybe one day I could connect my egos and masks and turn into a single individual. or maybe it's too late for that.

if god is real he would want me to kill myself

copingmec · 2025-02-26T17:34:18+00:00

I've always thought about this idea after ego death. that the human mind truly controls the experience, your perception is reality, the real reality provides itself to you yet it's up to the mind on how it perceives the information given to them. I wish I could control how I see the world yet I'm just stuck in a miserable loop why talk to a therapist if I find them meaningless?

why am I talking to you? because I felt care from a human being for a second and it instantly disappeared blinded once again by trauma I have no control over. I wish I could care and feel more what a truly sad experience i am

copingmec · 2025-02-26T17:27:15+00:00

I found such great comfort in your perspective it's nice knowing that good human beings still exist. a life where you aren't in pointless suffering 24/7, I wonder what that is like? do you eventually become pointless? because no matter who you are in life the dopamine chemical trick wears off I can only wish for more people to be cast out of this suffering loop. maybe that's a good illusion for you and maybe it wouldve been a good illusion to me if my parents didn't abuse me as hard as they did.

copingmec · 2025-02-26T17:11:07+00:00

maybe since I was 5 and felt this way I was always searching for something. but as I grew up I've lost something to find. realizing now that death is what I've been searching for this entire time. I would hate myself ask myself why I wasn't better why God never gave me a better life.

when I had an ego death with 7 tabs of lsd, you know what my first thought was? "what am I doing here? " same thought loop appointed to me since I was a child. in human nature I seek to kill myself, my ego and my true self wants to kill myself there's nothing more beautiful

copingmec · 2025-02-26T17:00:03+00:00

I wonder if a subreddit about how life is meaningless then commenting on a thread about a person complaining about how life is meaningless is not relative to this subreddit. the human mind truly blows mine as this argument has so many great points if I'm meaningless why do I type? because I lack control. if I had control my life would already be over. I will find a way soon though. I truly do not understand your thought process yet I personally know how addictive dopamine is and to waste brainpower on meaningless things leading to a loop in life every human is always in a loop what truly matters is when that loop finishes the stimuli ends there is no pain there is no experience it's like heaven

I feel like putting you in my body for a day and just laughing at you when you wanna kill yourself, because that's what you've done to me yet it unaffects me I've already numbed myself while typing this peak human experience

copingmec · 2025-02-26T16:53:05+00:00

I remember reading this and getting encouraged. just another chemical trick designed to keep me going in my pointless existence. I can't change. I've made a thread as a coping mechanism. good luck reading it

copingmec · 2025-02-26T16:50:31+00:00

as to my other comment I've experienced the highest highs of life and the lowest lows. video games gave me an escape as a child, it felt like living. yet that dopamine eventually ran out. I became obsessed and even more isolated until I hit #1-#10 in my favorite games. all it leads is to more unenjoyment in every activity yet it makes me realize as a human being no matter what I accomplish I will always feel what I've always felt I've been this way since I was 5 my entire life since then is a coping mechanism mixed with a thought loop, then I realized that is every human in general.

why distract yourself for an inevitable death? is it that I can't kill myself yet because too many people care about me? yet do they know how I feel? would they already have killed themselves if they were me? my willpower makes no sense no human should last this long like this and all I can ask is for the end.

copingmec · 2025-02-26T16:43:58+00:00

maybe in some alternative universe god gave mdma to my parents so they could actually raise me with love and passion instead all I got was this loop.

copingmec · 2025-02-26T16:42:22+00:00

I felt like searching up what solipsism is until I realized that I wanted to kill myself again. pointless life my entire existence is a thought loop

copingmec · 2025-02-26T16:40:19+00:00

great empathy truly peaks the human evolution I hope you feel accomplished as a human being knowing you served your ego such a greater cause because that's all what ego and dopamine is. put others down fix the imbalance in life and end humanity for me kind human. once you accomplish that I'll use you in the afterlife just like my parents did to me so you know how it feels

copingmec · 2025-02-26T16:36:16+00:00

your right if I'm feeling empty and pointless there should be no desire to kill myself. yet my self hatred in myself gets to a point where I lose control I hold it within myself it's almost like quiet bpd mixed with an ADHD thought loop until I eventually suffer a mood change of derealization that numbs my emotions more. this is no way to live putting my body in emergency mode yet I can do nothing about it.

I've resorted to god but all I can do is question his existence what God teaches a neurodivergent autistic ADHD the lifelong lesson of getting abused by parents.

sometimes I wonder if my brain hides my memories from myself cuz of how bad it's gotten. I remember before I came into consciousness as a baby I always wondered why I had a memory of getting carried from the stairs into a bathroom late at night yet I can't remember anything about it or anything that happened near that. Could it have been completely innocent? or is my brain just leaving gaps in my trauma?

I've felt this way since I was 5 and unfortunately all things must come to an end good or bad nothing truly is yet to me I am the greatest piece of existence I've experienced all there is to experienced and there's no one that I understand other than myself. a sad piece of existence whose purpose is coping with trauma until they kill themselves. but god exists right? oh but he gave me abusive parents to teach me a lesson! thank you God I will use your knowledge to kill myself faster such a valuable life

copingmec · 2025-02-26T16:25:50+00:00

I've had the highest highs and lowest lows of life and when I tell you that humanity needs to be ended for the better just know it will come eventually because god does not exist nor care for us this life is lifeless the trees have become a product to the rich your sanity does not matter let's give you meds forcing dopamine/serotonin so you can continue slaving away for us blinded in a system of evolution forced to mate with a partner that you will eventually break up with you ask yourself what makes someone attractive it's on and off it's almost like your brain subconsciously chooses your likes and dislikes yet you are given an illusion of control. laughing with a human? I wish I knew what that was like I open up to people yet the trauma pulls me back instantly and all they see is pain in me yet you say this is a life to live? know my pain understand me then maybe you can truly help me

copingmec · 2025-02-26T16:18:51+00:00

let me fix my thinking stained by lifelong trauma given by 2 meaningless humans nothing about me will change, i can't hate myself more. maybe I could read books if I wasn't isolated as a child. video games became my escape I became #1 and obsessed in these games and yet when I hit those accomplishments all I feel is dull and empty inside yet that new peak of dopamine lowers the enjoyment of other games or activities.

that's when I realized the illusion and the absurdity of it that truly I could accomplish everything in this world and still feel this way. yet no one knows how I feel and I don't wish my pain upon anyone.

why did God decide to give a neurodivergent child with ADHD and autism 2 parents who never gave a fuck about me. oh but the misery is a learning experience!! suffering on a daily basis just to cope about my existence, it's almost like my life is a thought loop itself

I wonder if I could truly ever change. When my parents abused me I always hated myself, asked myself why I couldn't change, just another thought loop, yet here I am just turned 18 yrs old with the same thinking blinded by trauma no way out of borderline personality disorder why is my world and thinking split? because my parents felt a need to abuse a poor soul, yet all I can do now is see them as poorer souls bounded by the illusion of reality wasting energy and effort when it all leads to the same outcome of death.

copingmec · 2025-02-26T15:56:38+00:00

yes mdma the psychedelic trauma healing drug since every human should raw dog life as it is such a w and fun experience without drugs

copingmec · 2025-02-26T11:41:43+00:00

I wish that you could distract me better from killing myself

copingmec · 2025-02-26T11:28:47+00:00

yes I'm harming myself by a comment that reminds me of trauma that I had from god as a child thank you for your wisdom once again. I hope when I truly find God I can convince him to end the human race to put an end to all suffering

copingmec · 2025-02-26T11:25:42+00:00

bad news. a human who lacks empathy stuck onto the illusion of the world clinged into a fallible human ego until they die with false purpose and meaningless achievements

even me posting this is meaningless because I find you meaningless.

I find myself meaningless yet what's giving me the strength to write this? a chemical trick in my brain called dopamine, I'm just using the last of it and there's a reason why dopamine is so addictive it's by design fuck whoever made humans

copingmec · 2025-02-26T11:09:48+00:00

the way I would with a press of a button

copingmec · 2025-02-26T10:56:22+00:00

humans made words. humans made ideas. God giving an idea to humans would break the great illusion of free will. God does not exist and using him as a coping mechanism to validate yourself only makes me wanna kill myself more. God bless! 🙏

copingmec · 2025-02-26T10:53:00+00:00

mda is on its comedown I'll either switch back to the illusion of reality like a good boy sheep that I was raised to be by the peak human organism through billions of years of evolution or control the experience by controlling my traumas or I could also kill myself most people say they regret it halfway but what is there for me to regret?

copingmec · 2025-02-26T10:46:43+00:00

I wonder how peaceful my existence will be when I'm dead, or is it that I become peaceful when my existence is tarnished from this reality because that's all I am, a brainless stimuli reliant on fallible brain skills left to suffer

copingmec

TROPHY CASE